When life gets confusing!

[Redeemer]

What will be will be. You've done the gentlemanly thing and left the ball in her court, as you said. It's up to her now. Just give it some time and if there's nothing from her, then that's a shame but obviously it wasn't meant to be. But it's still early days yet - she may have something going on in her personal life that's keeping her occupied. It's important to give people time, so just wait it out and see what happens. You have done everything right.

 

Ah you're quite right, the thing about crushes is that you always secretly hope the person likes you the same way, but there's always the chance the answer is no, and then you're left thinking "wow I misjudged that situation completely incorrectly". Then you just admire from a distance until your crush fades away. Or you end up falling in love, and that's a whole new pit of "oh god what am I doing how can this possibly work out". Love is a weird thing.

[Hidi]

I sense a ship coming along here.

[Thu'um]

Sometimes I wish I'd never seen you in the back of that class room.

It'd be easier to forget, had it never happened

They tell me it isn't love, I want to agree

But I don't know any other feeling that would smother the hate I should feel.

[Thu'um]

My children, my recent expulsion from the Holy Land of Zion( chat box) is none other then a sign from our great god Milky Way to pay attention to the rest of SFO. Namely my own home land this topic.

I finished the Great Gatsby. To be honest the actual writing style isn't that fantastic. His imagery isn't fantastic, none of his prose is. That being said it still good. Its strength is its characterization of Americanism and its theme. And ultimately a good theme is what makes any book great. To be honest I see a lot of myself in Gatsby. Not that I party hard. But I am a dreamer and romantic at heart. Not that anyone in the chat box would know it from my behavior patterns, Roflmao. I believe we're all suppose to see our selves in Gatsby though. Some how we all deep down have some plan for greatness, some story book ending for ourselves that we imagine. Its in attempting to fulfill that dream that Gatsby meets his demise because according to the author living in the past is to perish.

[Thu'um]

I failed myself again, It was the semifinals wrestling match. 20 seconds to go and I would have been head for first or second. But I was weak and I was wrapped around his leg and I saw my lock break. I was to weak to hold on...It wasn't that I lost, it was that I let myself loose. I was a coward. I could have forgiven myself....but then I did it again.

 

I still have strong feelings for Sophie, I can't help them. I feel as though she felt uncomfortable going to coffee with me because we still were awkward in each other's presence. I can imagine having to go on a date with some one that makes you like that might be daunting. Or maybe I'm just feeding myself lies to feel as though there is still hope. Regardless I'm entering this now from a slightly different angle. I am going to really get to know her. Which is good, we have a lot in common. And I hope she realises that too.

[Redeemer]

You still did really well though dude, don't beat yourself up over it. You can always try next time, right? Use your mistakes as lessons and then use them to win next time!

 

And yes, with Sophie, just keep being her friend in the meantime, things will develop once you're both comfortable, I'm sure.

[Gestalt]

Yes, failure is necessarily for stamping out weaknesses.

 

Oh, ajc can't we be frenz again.  I miss ouwr  frendchips =[

[Thu'um]

Its no that failure doesn't eventually improve us, it was that I HAD what I need to succeed. It literally came down to my determination. And in the face of struggle my will broke. I lost because I wasn't strongly willed enough. It stings, my heart feels heavy thinking about it, I dishonored myself. I gave up...

 

This sounds strange but I gave up anger some time ago. How exactly I'm not sure. But the "why"? Oh it was much easier to live that way. Never getting offended, drifting though my days. I mean you can't feel pain with out anger right? I held no grudges, and I had no embarrassment or shame. at least not on the surface. Every insult could be heard, but I smothered them with a manufactured sense of indifference. Perhaps at times the ability to protect our feelings might seem beneficial, but its a shame that in my hindsight i see the negative effects. In demeaning everything meant to insult me I came to find most things less connecting. People's real feelings and thoughts they shared with me came to mean less, and advice i should have listened to i brushed off as easily as i had insults. It accumulated into my inability to become passionate in a lot of things. When questioned if i preferred X or Y my answer simply was simply which ever was my quickest means to an end. A damn shame too. In short a boat is safe at harbor, but thats not what its made for. Every time it sails out it runs the risk of sinking, but to shelter it is even more futile.

 

I bring this all up now because I'm realizing what I am. That sounds washed out but i'm tired of choosing not to get close to people simply because I might have to suffer a feel or two. My indifference was a reactive Armour i used to hide my feelings from other and an attempt to be bliss. Part of it was my coach, he said I lost over the weekend because I didn't have that fire inside of me to win. I wouldn't agree completely. What is the function of will when the soul is found wanting? But i did realize I was going to try and smother my shame with indifference, something inappropriate of a true man. But even more so i've began to discover what lies at the core of my association with Vivec. 

 

Its a shame for those of you who are familiar with him, that you aren't. He is the antagonist for most of morrowind. He is 1 of three mortal gods that rules morrwind, he was mortal but after a battle he got this heart that came from a god and then hit it with a magical hammer giving him immortality and omnipotence. Before doing this however, he killed he superior with the help of the other two mortals gods. Its not known weather it was direct, or he simply chose not to save him. Vivec is like myself in many ways. He hides behind his immortality and reason to hide much of his shame. He thinks himself a coward and a traitor for murdering his superior whom he had professed loyalty to, although he never omits this in an attempt to escape the guilt thinking it is easier to contain and ignore it rather than openly accept it. He also with draws from the world to meditate in his chambers for a long amount of time.

 

TL:DR Ultimately i feel Vivec and I are so closely related because we are both afraid of who we really are, so we create glorified images of who we want to be and hide behind them. We then use these self created images of ourselves to neutralize the guilt we feel for our failures and attempt to exist in our idealistic blissful worlds.

 

I could write about much more. But at the end of the game he starts to unravel as he is forced to admit the player is the only hope of defeating the evil and he must ultimately come to terms with who he is and thus his actions. Deep stuff.

 

Getsalt, if you're still reading i'll stick to my new leaf and be honest. How can you miss our friend ship? i don't feel as though our relationship is any more evolved from when it first existed, for better or worse.      

 

 

 

        

[Gestalt]

Getsalt, if you're still reading i'll stick to my new leaf and be honest. How can you miss our friend ship? i don't feel as though our relationship is any more evolved from when it first existed, for better or worse.      

 

You are right. I was being silly mostly..I...kinda do that. I do hope my jesting has never come across, too terribly, in any negative manner. Should that be the case, I offer my regretful acknowledgments of any offense. 

 

However, I hope that our relations do evolve for better or worse, even if that means it ceases. It is a far better fate than to let it stagnate into a dull pile of muck.

[Thu'um]

Alright so i've got a LOT of content to get through with this post. 

 

Firstly i got out of school after first block to leave for the state wrestling tournament. That sounds great, but i'm sitting here doing make up work for missing class. It was suppose t be a 4 hour drive to the other end of the state but ended up being 5 and 1/2 because we tried to take back roads around the capital, Columbia. I ended up getting 5th place like last year which really wasn't anything to notable to brag about. I really wasn't prepared but i'm not all that bothered by my lack of success because my effort was there so i left no regrets out there.

 

After I was eliminated I went back up into the stands where my bags were and i began to untie them. It was pretty poignant. The entire season i had wanted nothing more then be done with it, i was tired of starving, tired of late nights, and tired of the stress. But it i still found it challenging to take those shoes off. I will miss my team a lot.  D:  We have 7 seniors moving on and in my eyes its the passing of a dynasty. I'll always have some of the old team but i'm sure it will feel a little more lonely next year.

 

I'm concluding this post here because my family is fighting right now and i don't have the heart to journal the rest of this. 

[Thu'um]

Alright guys, as always I generally try to make these posts as authentic and genuinely honest as possible. So here we go again.

 

The end of wrestling season seemed nothing less then the promise of a paradise. I can eat food with out bounds and have several times in the last week have eaten to where I was sick. But as I feared it revealed something I was afraid of. How lonely I really am. School in that respect is my relief. I go and I have human and positive interaction with my teachers who all like me and a lot of student colleagues. Its a little shameful I think that these relationships don't extended out of school at all however. The main proponent in my guilt is facebook. Its a shame I'd ever let anything on that terrible medium influence me, but if there is anything real about it its that people do talk about their real life interactions a lot. Even if these are false fronts and none of them really are that social, it reminds me how underdeveloped my social life out of school is. I'd blame it on the fact that most of these friendships have existed for ages and I've only been here for over a year, but excuses don't allow me to do anything but justify my like of interaction and I don't want that.

 

TL:DR? I'm lonely with out wrestling to take up my days and give my people to interact with and I need to find a circle of friends.

 

Prom is also coming up. I'm not excited. Firstly( this story is not involved at all, its just funny). A friend of mine got asked to prom at lunch when her date stood up on the table and pulled down his pants to reveal he was only wearing a speedo. He then turned his back to her and across his ass he had written "Prom?". Funny, sure. But he was suspended for a few days as a result of indecent exposure. The point of all this is that the pressure is on. I'm a junior and its widely accepted that attendance is almost required. And beyond social expectations I don't want to regret not going. But there is a conflict there. Not to sound conceded but I know of more than a few girls that I could probably get to go with me. But as usual ajc's  idealistic mind has it so that he only wants one. *sighs* Its likely to come down there her not accepting and i'll end up going with some other friend half heartedly which I feel is a shame and not exactly fair to them. I also don't mean to sound so cynical. Sophie may have never eventually went to coffee with me, but well...it sounds foolish but and maybe this is the great pit fall of feeling like this for another person, but I can't imagine she is completely apathetic back. And so if that's true there is always hope.     

[Thu'um]

Its strange, peculiar really. First I ran into this girl in the hall one day. It was a time where your eyes lock through a crowd, and just for a moment you gaze at each other. The next time would be after my chemistry class. I had been slow and was cursing myself for not being prepared for the bell. And then, she walked in as I lifted my head and began to leave. Our sights collided and we stopped in front of each other, our bodies parallel and once again our eyes locked for an instant before we navigate around each other, the spell broken, but not forgotten. Now again, today its happened again. Always in the strangest places, always unannounced so that I've had no time to shield my gaze, to draw the blinds to the widows of my soul. Its strange. For that instant everything else stops, fades, and my heart becomes light. Almost light enough to float out of the cage that surrounds it now, light enough to escape who currently holds it.

 

I know your name now. And for some reason I'm now compelled to speak with you, if only because fate seems to be trying so hard to make me.  

[Thu'um]

So my first day of work was last Thursday, and with it was my first pay check, an experience I'd like to write a piece on some time.

 

I'm reading Jane Eyre for book club, pronounced Jane Air. Honestly it started out like a dickens book, slow and unnecessarily detailed, glorifying seemingly trivial aspects. But then it got really deep. My first comment is if your not committed to reading it, or don't like reading, or have never been heart broken, its not the book for you. Its goes deeply in to this woman's life about how she loves this man, but she doesn't believe he can love her back, especially not since he is courting this drop dead gorgeous woman of higher class. Despite that they talk often and become very close. She tries multiple times to distance herself, once even painting two pictures, one of her and the other of his fiancé, and compares them to remind herself as to why he could never love her. Its in vain though as she only falls further and further in love with him. I liked the novel because it addresses the fundamental question as to what we should do when we love some one, but think that they don't have those feelings back. Something I believe myself to be familiar enough with right now.

 

So I've reached my conclusion as to how I can end it with no regrets. I'm taking this book and I'm going to annotate it, for sophie. My ideal situation is I over come what ever barrier separates us. But even if it fails, she is intelligent enough( god she is brilliant really), to conceive how I feel for her, because that wold be my real regret, to think back years form know and say I should have told her. I also realise that as romantic as it feels from my side, getting something from some one that professes how they really feel for you might be creepy, maybe even really so and I could totally dement her from ever wanting to speak with me again. But ajc do it, you  have nothing but your chains to loose.         

[Thu'um]

Today has been strange. I was sitting around, contemplating life because I was bored and begin to think about myself. I was getting these nostalgic flashes of emotion I readily identify with my middle school years. They aren't positive or negative, at least not distinctly. I'm associating them with character confusion.

 

This thought is complex, unrefined, but I feel as though it has a truth about so I'm going to try an post about how I feel. As people, what is the basis for our character? Most people point out two major sources, genetics and environment. But for some reason I feel as though I'm really not myself today. As if I woke up in this body and in this life, and just...didn't recognize it. I'm beginning to think we make our characters. We fabricate an image of our selves. Maybe not our ideal self, but the person we think we are. And then we try to emulate this person in our daily lives. Think about your daily life, but separate it into what you will be doing and how you will behaving versus what you think you'd do. I've reread that challenge numerous times and its confusing to even myself, so lets use an example. Today I sat on the computer and played video games, did some Hw and in 5 min will be going to work. But when I think about what Ajc would, what my self image would do, I see two different things. And that conflict has made me question which is Ajc? but I really don't feel as I am either. I'd compare them to the Mask metaphor used  Cavemonkeynick, but instead of having masks that we show people to cover up who we are. I believe we make masks of who we want to be, and behind them is essentially a bare canvas.

[Thu'um]

Its been 8 days since my last post and my mental state is much improved. I thinks its been because I'm busy with school work. As anti-democratic as it sounds the saying is true, hard work is happy work.

 

I've been thinking long and hard about Redwall and its effects on my youth. Lately I've become rather a-moral, and it sounds absurd by I blame its origins to video games. I remember on my first play through of Skyrim I initially was extremely bound by morality to do what was right. but more and more the temptation to do what was easier and to use my superior force to get what I wanted began to chip away at my conscious. I began to justify killing certain NPC's. And each time killing them became easier. I don't regret it, but I regret what my character became as a result of it. Now this all sounds really dramatic, its only a video game right? And yet, while the circumstances might have been false my choices were real, if I made them in a fictional realm. The big question is did my abuse of my power in Skyrim lead to my increasingly a-moral behavior in real life? More than likely no. I believe that to have been more a result of my loss of empathy for the individual. Anyone really familiar with politics will recognize the phrase, realpolitik. Its the belief that politics should be made by grudges or drama, but that leaders of a nation should act with out allegiance to past feuds or anything else, but solely to what would make their nation more powerful. This even means the abandonment of morality if it is called for. this philosophy became increasingly popular as nations that obeyed it gained power and devoured the nations that didn't. This had a domino effect as nations that formally had been ruled by benevolent rulers essentially became forced to focus on national power at the expense of freedom of individuals, morality, and even in some cases spirituality. The justification was often if we don't treat our citizens as pawns for the betterment of the entire nation we will be conquered by  a nation that does believe that. Conversely a nation could try to protect human rights and attempt to be a stalwart of freedom, but most likely at the cost of futility. So it brings to my mind the question of which is right? Should one hold on to their humanity even if it means ultimate destruction, or should we abandon it in cases were to ensure our own survival? As a self proclaimed semi-realist I eventually sub-consciously chose the second option. But unfortunately as I established earlier with my Skyrim example, once you commit an act against humanity it only becomes easier each time. Soon I found myself frequently forsaking the wills of my peers and family for choices that benefited me solely. I became increasingly insensitive to others. I've realised the fault in realpolitik, humanity's  greatest strength is faith, whether your an atheist or not. The moment we enable our selves to protect our self soley we also enable ourselves to destroy one another.       

[Thu'um]

Lord give me strength.....

[StarFoxfan-FUR_ever]

Well if you don't mind me asking, did you tell her your true feelings? She could very well be afraid of bringing up the topic with you, and is waiting for you to break the ice.

[Thu'um]

Today I really caught onto something.

 

The eyes give everything. I was on a stroll when I saw her, she was in the back of someone's car. He wasn't good enough for her and her youth hardly matched that cigarette in her hand. I turned away, pretending not to see her, not only because I knew her, but because I didn't want to care.

 

      That's why I like to wear sun glasses. They let me pretend I don't care. Pain and compassion are sheltered behind the two centimeter think lenses of tinted plastic. Its for the same reason we glance away. We're afraid some one will look into our eyes and know how we feel, how much we care. They have a vision of pure truth we would fail to ever express in words. Behind our glasses we our cold and cool, and most of all: not vulnerable.

 

      But we pay a price. We hide our vulnerabilities from all so that they might not be taken advantage of by some, but we exclude the compassionate. Its by the eyes one can begin to trust and help us.

 

      Its the ones who don't wear sun glasses that I've begun to fear. They have nothing to hide. But its not that they're free from fault, only guilt. When starring into the eyes of such a person, there is no pool of truth. Their eyes become increasingly inhuman, the absence of guilt, of conscience being something fundamental in human nature.     

 

     And someone like myself, wanting to remove his glasses and have the sun shine into his eyes and see the day more brightly than before, how shall he be differed from the latter? The eyes give everything.  

[Thu'um]

Alright, so this all cumulated on Friday. The week I had taken to fully annotate Jayne Eyre and Ask Sophie to prom. I put a lot of heart into it. I can remember about all of it word for word and most of it was about how we attempt to convince ourselves that we aren't good enough for the people we feel for, but how we need to trust our feelings and pursue them anyways. But I also chose it because books had been how we had met and first started speaking. And they were always the common denominator. I put it on the windshield of her car because I knew she was leaving school before I'd see her in class. The entire day I tried to forget about it and act as if the day was normal, but the entire time I worried. I worried some one would have picked it up and taken it, or that it would have fallen off and she just happened to not see it. I was nervous about how she'd respond to it, yea, but I was more afraid of her never getting it and me wondering if she just didn't receive it or she just didn't care to respond....

 

It got to around 7pm and I was working my shift, bussing tables when I got her reply. I'm a hard worker so I put the phone in my pocket in till I had a few seconds to really read it.

 

I went into the restroom and pulled it out of my pockets, the first word I saw: "Sorry" I felt my heart groan. I tilted my head back and took a deep breath before reading more, " Sorry I didn't respond earlier but I got your invitation I'm really appreciative of to but I'm starting out a relationship with another person right now so I hate it, but I can't say yes. It was the most thoughtful way to ask me and you have NO idea how much it meant. You couldn't have asked me in a better way. I'm not even kidding, I teared up because it meant so much to me I don't know anyone else who wold have thought of it. If I wasn't in the situation I'd have said yes in a heart beat. I'm really sorry. Thank you so much."

 

Since then my life has been kind of lucid. Granted its been only a few days, but I feel as though I drift through them. That its not me but some one else I'm watching go through the motions of everyday life. I think it's a result of how much I invested in this. Not in terms of money, but emotionally. I gave my full heart and spirit, and with out having gotten it in return I'll have to get to work on rebuilding new ones, because I think my old one will be hers for a long time. But even then its hard to forget her, to move on. Hell it'd be easier had she been rude, I could have told myself I hated her. And the fact that she claims she would have said yes still keeps a small fire of hope burning.  So a small war of emotion is being conducted inside of me, one side trying to forget and move on and another side fiercely holding on. I should forget right? I could learn to love another and be just as happy. But not in till I forget how I feel for this person. But the side that holds on argues that my feeling is so pure, its worth holding onto, worth not forgetting. And my reason rebuttals, " How do you even know she is speaking the truth? She could be just being a good and decent friend, not wanting to reject you completely. How do you know she isn't actually in a relationship? Or that she said it made her tear up just to make you feel valued." And I guess I know I must care about her a lot because I get really sad when those thoughts infiltrate my mind. I can't prove she is dating another guy...or that me asking brought her to tears, and yet for some reason I believe her about it. Well, about the tears part. There was something honest about it, no one says stuff like that to lie. If she had been trying to fain appreciation I think she would have said it made her smile, but the fact the she stated it made her cry.....I feel like that's real, its human.

 

And oh, how I kept reading it over and over and over. Digging for shreds to hold onto, when at last I asked? Why? Why does it matter what she said, the answer is no.

 

So I think its the end. But I'm sure it will turn out to be long and drawn out, and then one day, i'll wake up, and I won't care.

 

But I'm not ashamed. I think back to when I first met her, I told myself, " wow, what a beautiful person, you'd never go very far, you'd chicken out, let self doubt take you." But that wasn't the case. And I'm glad to know that if I ever feel this way again, I can pursue it.     

[Thu'um]

It's profound, the resilience of the human spirit.

 

Its 12 at night before school and I can't sleep. The last week I've buried myself in games and sleep. I'm over it.

 

I went to the midnight mass for Easter, it was very spiritual. With a lot of symbolic flames and incense, I enjoyed it and found it really moving. I'm over it.

 

I found my neighbors dog down the street. It took some effort but I coxed it to me and she came to really like me I think. It was a little sad to have to take her back to her owner, especially as she whined. I'm over it.

 

I shaved my blond hair, its dark again. I look like Sam Worthington. I'm thinking of bleaching it again, I got a lot of positive attention for it and looks . I must be over it.

 

But I sat in my bed and stared at the ceiling and thought of nothing but you. I'm anything but over you.    

[Gestalt]

Guess I'll call you iam...bic pentameter

 

HA

 

gotchyeh

[Thu'um]

I don't even get it but I am laughing. Because you thought it was funny, and it wasn't.

 

 

The night before last night I had a dream. I woke up feeling very heavy hearted and wondering why, and then I had remembered what it was about. It was me asking her again.

 

I didn't want to bring up anything more about her or any of that shit again but the fact that it occurred serves as some sort of testament.

 

I had some severe nostalgic pain last night and I cracked out a new Redwall avatar. Who knows how long it will last.

[Thu'um]

Okay so its been a while, and I'll say quite a lot has happened in the last month since i posted. And i'll apologize for that. For whatever reason it didn't feel appropriatte for me to post. somthing bothered me whenever i tried. That incombination with my lack of activity has probably confused some of you as to my where abouts. Well 4 weeks ago i took a weekend off with two pals and drove to hours north to myrtle beach, and it was pretty cool. We bought our own groceries and went around and did what ever we felt like doing. 

 

Then the weekend after that i drove 5 hours to atlanta to see styx and forigneer in concert which was a really good time. I saw a lot of old friends, The week after that was my last and Now i've been out of school. With that i ussualy find myself with a large void to fill and I become extremely transidental as i look for a new way to spend my time. But this summer i have a job and a lot of looking forward to do with applying to college.

 

I'm pretty confused as of now, and my thoughts are too frayed to illustraight accuratly right now. I'll post later tonight with some of the things that have been on my mind

[Icy]

As I told you before, so jelly of you going to that concert.

 

Good luck with finding a college and all that! I really do like to hear what's going on with you, man.

Keep on keeping on, though.

[Thu'um]

Yeah so I realized I forgot to update how I've been feeling, I blame it on a really intense game of Dota last night. Perhaps it was for the better though, my mind is much clearer from a night of rest and I know what I want to say.

 

A large problem with my vision of self is that I am the protagonist of some story, some struggle. For the most part I feel we all think like that, for better or worse we're all the center of our own little world. The issues arises with my conception of what a protagonist is. To me, he is the best at something, like Fox, the best pilot, or any of our child hood heroes who not matter how fierce the opponent, manage to overcome them with a cool comfort and trust in their skill, what ever it may be. And also he struggles against some foe, and unconquerable enemy. Well, the world has made it easy to have enemies. But am I really the protagonist I think I am? All my life I've considered it to also be my purpose to struggle against some foe, but unlike the my heroes, what can I really on as my rock, my ace card, to defeat the bad guy with? My physical prowess? But I'm not the strongest, or the fastest, wrestling has taught me that. Then my cunning and wit, my stratagem? But I'm not the smartest either, I excel in school, but I'm never the top of the class. Then who am I if not the hero I thought I was? ....

 

The question bothered me for some time, and I remembered a very old friend who helped me when I was younger. I said this question had only resurfaced recently but had been around for most of my life. Its why I fell so much in love with Martin the warrior and Redwall. I understand fully at last the source of my addiction to the series and it's iconic hero. Martin was small, a mouse, he was uneducated, and untrained but at the end of his book he fights the bad guy, a wild cat much larger than himself, with a history of destroying her enemies. He wasn't stronger, or faster, or smarter. What pulled him through and the legions of other heroes like myself and all of you was heart. It was courage and sheer force of will. Its comforting that no matter how stacked the odds seem against us there is the immeasurable force of will. In the past I've let fear cripple me, its like a poison that urges you subdue. I feel like I've come to the decision to never let that happen again.

 

(Gee I feel better after posting that, I forgot how great journaling was)

 

I have more to say but I'm out of time. I'll post again later. And thanks for the show of interest icy, always makes me feel good.