/ (_)\_( )_\ FOX BECOMES ADDICTED TO CHEESE: EPIC NEW VERSION EDITION
) /\/ _ (o)( The Shining Achievement of All FoxKind
\ \_) (o) /
A desolate planet of pollution and waste. Venom's Voleech City was ugly as rotting paste. As I say all of this, Fox had to make haste. He was scurrying behind buildings and blasting at bots, bursting their circuits as they screamed out 'bleeps' and 'blots'. Made of tech, they were, they had no blood clots. Fox's boots continued to make more trit-trots, as he fox-trotted his way into the Death Weapon Factory. Robot armies followed him inside, could it be that Fox had nowhere to hide?
"I need to destroy these weapons so that Andross won't use them against Corneria" Fox thought to himself. He isolated each in a gravitational field, then set a timer on each one, eventually they'd come out well done. Sooner or later, they bursted into flames, sending scrap metal everywhere, killing the robot armies who had no names. Then Fox got an incoming message from Falco, not Slippy. Man oh man, is that bird ever lippy.
"Andross is here, he's bringing death and fear. Get your ass to Corneria, hurry right now! We can't make cheese, they've slaughtered every last cow! We've even got less freedom here than on Venom, I'm just thanking God that my jacket is Denim" said Falco. Fox jumped in his ship as soon as he could, then set off for Corneria, to restore peace and brotherhood. When he arrived on his homeworld he was not very pleased. The cities were in shambles, even Admiral Z's house of cheese. Cheese had been banned under Emperor Andross's new law. No one could have cheese throughout the land, not cubed nor sliced, not even one strand. Children were crying and wailing in pain, where was Fox when they needed him? No cheese is quite lame! The giant block of cheese atop Admiral Z's had melted down, far down to the ground, trapping Cornerians...wait isn't the earth round?
"Cheese can't possibly be that frickin' sticky. Something's rotten in Wisconsin, and this ain't no job for Slippy" thought Fox. Fox got an incoming message from Wolf, who was flying overhead. He didn't like Fox, he wanted Fox to be dead.
"Hey Fox it's the Wolfster, your people are worthless eaters. We added adhesive properties to the cheese, so now they're all stuck. You'll never defeat Andross cuz face it Fox, you suck. Cheese is for losers so kiss your planet goodbye. All you animals must bow before Andross and die" said Wolf. Sick of all the distress and war, Fox couldn't take it, no not anymore. Fox dropped his cell phone, and began losing his mind. He couldn't take what was happening, even so, saving planets was his 9 to 5 grind. But when all seemed lost, Peppy flew by, dispatching himself with a parachute to the ground, sniffing out trouble better than a foxhound. He got out a long stick of measuring tape, and began charting, graphing, and plotting the melted cheese landscape. Finally he knew just what the Star Fox team should do.
"Ah, dang, I'm gettin' carless. Fox, Gimme a spare Lylation Nova Bomb" ordered Peppy. Fox pulled a Nova Bomb out of his pocket and placed it in Peppy's hands.
"Ah, that be the one. Now watch and learn Fox mah boy" said Peppy. Peppy began strapping on giant mecha-gloves to prevent his hands from getting stuck, then started lifting up the cheese straight off the earth. That took strength, power, and mirth? He rolled up the cheese against the nova bomb, then hastened to a cannon, firing it at Andross's ships one by one. If they wouldn't let Cornerians have cheese then let them have what they took. In the form of planetary defense prepared by a master cook.
"DO A CHEESE ROLL!" ordered Peppy.
"Man, where'd you learn to do that?" asked Fox in amazement.
"I learned it at the Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling and Wake. It's an event near Gloucester, England, where they roll cheese down hills. Now if you don't mind, it's time to defeat the emperor's evil shills!" said Peppy, rolling up the nova bomb in all of the melted sticky cheese from the demolition of Admiral Z's restaurant. Fox began rolling up a nova bomb in cheese, and freed all the citizens who had been stuck. Then Fox and Peppy loaded up the cannons, taking out each one of Andross's minions. Eventually appeared Andross himself, pissed off as hell, like a wargod-elf. Fox jumped into his Arwing, and prepared to take him down. He wasn't gonna lose his beloved planet to that Planet of the Apes reject CLOWN!
"You will die, just like your father" declared Andross.
"Not over my dead body!" said Fox.
"You do realize the irony and foolishness of your response, do you not, Fox?" thundered Andross.
"I realize that you're going down!" said Fox.
"If I'm going down, then I'm taking you with me" said Andross.
"NEVER!" yelled Fox.
"It is foolish to come against me. You know that I control the galaxy!" said Andross.
"The universe is like waaaay bigger than that" replied Fox. "TASTE CHEESE YOU FREAAAAK!" yelled Fox, firing a cheese laced nova bomb into Andross's mouth. Andross's ship exploded and Andross parachuted himself to the ground, along with his robot buddy and number one confidante and fan...Fantron.
"I have a splitting headache," said Andross. "Why must I always lose?" he wailed, pounding the earth with his fist.
"Master, perhaps next time you should attack your own planet, Venom. Then get everyone to think Fox was responsible. Maybe then your people would finally support you and your unquenchable thirst for war" said Fantron.
"Not a bad idea" said Andross in his evil robotic-like Darth Vader-esque voice. But then Fox cornered Andross, plasma blaster in tow. He looked quite proud, he had put on a good show!
"Correction Emperor. That's a very BAD idea!" said Fox. "You're going to Corneria War Crimes Prison for at least thirteen years, you won't get any cheese, just cheap Norwegian beers!" Andross looked confused.
Later that day...
Fox, Falco, Peppy and Slippy, watching cheese burn in a restaurant founded by a hippie!
"Yay, Fox!" clapped Falco, Peppy, and Slippy, as a giant block of cheese slowly melted under a candle's flames. They all clinged wine glasses together.
"LONG LIVE TEAM STAR FOX. AND LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING...CHEESE!" they all yelled. The three men cheered and shared a group hug, then devoured more cheese and dived into an oversized apple cider jug. Outside the room was the beautiful Krystal, aspy. She had seen enough, Fox just wasn't her guy.
Note: I took the words "THE END" and made them be out of cheese. Then I rolled them up in an awesomely tasty text sandwich.
/ \ (_, THE END
) /\/ _ (o)(
\ \_) (o) /
By Robert Monroe
The rant has been moved to a new thread due to post length limitations in my OP here.
Read the rant >HERE. DO NOT POST IN THAT THREAD. IT IS FOR READING PURPOSES ONLY. ALL DISCUSSION OF ASSAULT AND MY RANT SHOULD BE HELD HERE.
Dogfighting in Meteo always sucked ass. Fox loved it.
The 'sky' was a sea of gray-brown asteroids and his movements were fluid and seamless, darting around rock after rock. Some were as small as a meter; others were as large as a kilometer. No pilot who'd spent more than a month in the sky would ever hit one of the rocks–no, that wasn't the problem.
The problem was that the rocks constrained you. You had to move this way here, this way there. Every move had to be planned in advance, and the good pilots could use the rocks to their advantage.
A plasma bolt grazed his wing and his shields monitor flashed red. Like that. Wolf had hidden behind an asteroid, used it to block Fox's sensors, and lined up a damn good shot. His shield could take about three hits and needed a good five minutes to recharge, so even though he suffered no damage from the bolt, it was still a considerable victory.
He pulled a quick one-eighty, but a huge mass of asteroids blocked his line of sight to Wolf. Fox was fighting blind. Just a couple of shots more like that, and...
He turned again and kicked on the boost when he saw the green ball tracking him. Wolf had prepped a lock on him from his little hidey-hole, and now it was only a matter of time before the blazing ball caught up. Fox gripped the stick firmly, but before he could do anything, his radar flashed and he had no choice but to slam on the boost, the thrill of adrenaline ringing out in his chest.
Wolf had flown out from behind one of the asteroids behind him, afterburners blazing, and Fox could picture the bloodthirsty snarl on his rival's face when bolts of blue plasma fired Fox's way, raining down from above. It was like a scene straight out of a nightmare, one Fox had seen before many times in the middle of the night.
What Wolf did was a ruthless combination attack. If Fox flew in a straight line, he'd be easy pickings for Wolf's blasters. On the other hand, if he dodged all the blaster shots, the homing one would catch up. Fox grit his teeth, adrenaline surging. By now he could feel his pads sweating, but he didn't break under the pressure: with one hand on the booster and one on the rudder, he worked himself into a rhythm, alternating between rolling, swerving, and boosting with as close to zero downtime as he could manage.
A lesser pilot would have already been fried. Wolf was smart—he'd never get a free lock on Fox like that without using the asteroids as cover—but Fox was just so good that it didn't matter. Shot after shot he dodged and deflected, and he could feel himself grinning despite the sweat and aching fingers from gripping the damn stick too hard. He loved the rush of pushing himself to the absolute limit, and he could only imagine Wolf's frustration when such a good move didn't so much as land a single shot on Fox. It'd only be a matter of time until the charged shot fizzled, and if Wolf stopped his suppressing fire for long enough to charge another one, Fox would be able to turn and land fire of his own. Plus, those plasma guns had to be close to overheating by now.
Then Fox saw the gigantic boulder lumbering into view, right in his path.
He faltered for just long enough for one of Wolf's plasma shots to slam into his fuselage. Fortunately, the shield absorbed most of the impact, but tremors still shook his ship. Shields at one third. Two more hits and you're toast. Fox managed by pure necessity to work himself back into the evasive rhythm, while the boulder crept ever closer.
Wolf was smarter than he'd thought. He wasn't just forcing Fox on the defensive; he'd been shepherding him with those blaster shots, forcing him to dodge towards that enormous asteroid's path. It was so hard to think, when he had to constantly twist and turn to avoid fire. Normally, he'd make a U-turn and retaliate, but the charged shot would hit him if he did.
His eyes glanced at his radar to note Wolf's position. Then he turned his ship sharply to the side and slammed on the boost as hard as he could.
If he'd done it perfectly, the charged shot would have collided with the asteroid, and the resulting explosion would obscure Fox enough to let him boost away and reset the fight. But under the pressure of Wolf's fire, it was nearly impossible to execute that flawlessly.
The green plasma ball swerved, just barely grazed the asteroid, and soon was hot on his tail again. Still, Fox smirked. He hadn't gotten rid of it, but now the ball was directly between him and Wolf. Wolf had to stop firing, lest he fire into his own track-shot and destroy it.
If he were Wolf, he'd be charging another right now. By this point, Fox would be surprised if Wolf's plasma guns weren't screaming for rest and recovery. Now was his chance.
He boosted away, that same green ball still tailing him. Fox swerved at the last second before the next lock-on fired, trying to control the angle of attack. Eyes glanced down to his radar, and he smiled.
Both balls were coming at him from opposite sides. He guessed the midpoint between them and boosted in the orthogonal direction. If Fox were Wolf, he'd—
Right on cue, a little blue dot popped up on his radar. A bomb, designed to keep him from retaliating, no doubt. A smart move, but bombs were risky, and Fox was bold.
As the twin homing bolts neared, Fox jerked the stick down as hard as he could, and his ship bucked upwards in a fast one-eighty. Both green balls slammed into one another and dissipated in an explosion of plasma that rocked his ship. Any sane person would have boosted the other way to avoid Wolf's bomb, but Fox knew what he had to do: he slammed down on the boost, and before the bomb was able to explode, he punched on his barrier. Power diverted from boost, engines, and weapons to reinforce his shield. His windshield shimmered blue, and Wolf's bomb collided with Fox's ship... just to get deflected away, still intact.
The moment the bomb deflected, Fox dropped the barrier and boosted away. Moments later, the bomb detonated; a blue blaze engulfed him, the incredible intensity of which made Fox's eyes nearly clench shut. The heat melted his shields, and every alarm in the handbook screamed. All he could see from his squinting eyes was searing blue, so bright that he couldn't make out a single damn control on his ship. All he had was muscle memory, but that was all he needed.
Despite his ship's protests, he darted in blindly towards Wolf's former position, and the moment the cloud of blue plasma dissipated enough for him to make out his rival, he fired. The bomb put out so much heat and energy that there's no way any sort of sensor could have pinpointed Fox's position, or even see his shots coming. And as far as Wolf was concerned, Fox's ship ought to have been destroyed in that blast.
The element of surprise worked in his favor: three shots scored hits in the confusion before Wolf could dodge, but that wasn't enough to penetrate shields. Once Wolf knew where he was, his rival was quick to boost away, but Fox was hot on his tail. The red blaze of Wolf's booster made his ship hard to make out; again, Fox was reduced to squinting and gritting his teeth.
He dumped as many shots as he could. This close, Wolf couldn't boost to dodge; he could only roll and hope for the momentum of his shielded wingtips to deflect every shot. Ten shots Fox fired before one finally hit the mark. Wolf's wing blazed and Fox boosted out of the pursuit to keep the ensuing black smoke from blinding him. The two of them flew away from each other, both seeking downtime to let shields recharge and blasters cool.
It'd been just one exchange, and it'd only lasted a couple of minutes, but this was already the most intense duel he'd had in a long time. The memories went back ten years, and he could feel the fire in his chest now just as then, the pinpricks of excitement and anxiety alike dancing down his body. He'd done it. He'd fucking done it. He'd taken that near perfect setup from Wolf, flew out of his mind, and deflected it right back at him. And it felt so good.
This—this was what Wolf's scent reminded him of. It's why it fired him up when Wolf got in his face, and it's why Wolf made his blood boil. His rival was the only person alive who gave him this kind of addictive thrill in the sky, who put him this much on edge. It was like Wolf had given him that precious first fix after an interminable dry spell and yanked him out of a withdrawal he hadn't even been aware of.
This was what Fox McCloud lived for.
Wolf's holographic mug appeared in front of him, and Fox's eyes locked on. His rival looked about as exerted as Fox felt; he had that same intense stare like he had when Fox had jammed the bayonet up against his nose. "What the hell was that? Boosting into a bomb?"
Fox was bubbling with a confidence he hadn't felt in far too long. They both knew if Wolf had landed a single shot while Fox's shields were completely fried, it would have been over: it was such a bold, over-the-top move when compared to Wolf's clever, calculated trap. "Me beating you."
Wolf flashed his teeth. "You haven't won yet. I'm going to skin you alive, pup, wing or no wing."
"I'd like to see you try."
With that, the link terminated, and Fox twisted into a U-turn, boosting back towards his rival. He saw the gleaming red of the Wolfen before the chime on his radar. Fox swerved to the side, charging a shot—and the duel continued.
Wolf was good. No. Falco was good. Wolf was fantastic. Watching Wolf soar through virtual space was a hell of a sight, and every rock in the sky felt so much more imposing when he knew that, for once, he was flying against someone who really understood how to abuse them. Fox might have won the first skirmish, but the fight was far from over.
There was a certain arrogance to the way Wolf flew. Most pilots tried to confuse and disrupt, attempting jerky, flashy maneuvers in attempt to throw off their enemy. Falco, for instance, used to somersault, turn, and zip unpredictably across the sky, but Wolf could do with a single second of a well-timed brake what would take his old partner ten seconds of aerial acrobatics to execute. It didn't seem to matter if Wolf was predictable, because even if you see the perfect move coming, there's nothing you can do to stop it. And though Wolf might have been controlled and patient on defense, the moment Fox made a mistake Wolf was nothing but aggressive and ruthless. Fox could not allow himself to be sloppy.
If nothing else, Wolf had reaffirmed Fox's respect.
Ten minutes later, Fox was gritting his teeth. His ship was too damaged to hold up another hit, and he wagered Wolf's was, too, gauging from the smoldering ruin that used to be his right wing. Most simduels lasted less than five minutes, but this had gone on for fifteen long, torturous ones. Fox cut a somersault, diving towards Wolf. A quick roll deflected two of the three shots that Wolf sent towards him. He dove out of the way, his targeting system still getting a lock on Wolf.
Wolf knew if he tried charging a lock-on now, he would lose to Fox's before he could get it off. All he could do was fire madly and hope to connect a finishing shot before Fox got his homing shot off.
Eyeing the shower of plasma bolts firing his way, Fox wagered he could hold up through just three more shots, and he knew Wolf's gun was soon to overheat. The adrenaline pumping in his veins spurred him on: a dodge to the left avoided one shot, and a roll deflected the next two. His charge was almost finished. He could roll again now, but they were so close that it wasn't a guaranteed dodge, and there was always the possibility the erratic movements would make him lose his lock.
Fox braced himself and took the next two shots straight to his hull to guarantee his sensors could hone in on Wolf, then he slammed down on the trigger, angling the shot down to avoid the last of Wolf's oncoming shots. Fox cut into a hard roll: four more bolts were screaming his way, and if he could deflect every one of them, he'd survive long enough for his charged shot to take Wolf out. His hands jerked on the control, adjusting his nose for each individual bolt so that they struck as close to the tip of his wings as he could get them. One-by-one, they smoked against his wings and deflected off into the sky. Only then was Fox able to boost away, just in time to see the searing green from his own shot's detonation.
A few seconds later, the display blanked, breaking the illusion and revealing the sim lab's wall. Panting slightly, Fox relaxed in his seat to get ahold of himself.
Damn, but that was a workout. Jerking on the controls so much had worn out his wrists and fingers, and he'd been so tense that he had a dull ache in his legs just from clenching. For a while, he just sat there, eyes closed, recovering.
The above is an excerpt from my larger story, Black and White. As it features a Fox/wolf pairing, the story is probably not to everyone's tastes, but I figured this scene had universal appeal.
I very rarely write action, because I only feel like I can make it interesting when the stakes are high and personal. When I have the chance, it's always a joy.
Nothing further will be posted here, but feel free to leave any comments you might have, and consider checking out the rest of the story if you've enjoyed this little tidbit.
I want to start a Krystal support team so I thought I'd pitch the idea here.
Me and a bunch of other people on Twitter have started a group in hopes to unify as many Krystal fans as possible, because I've realized that there are SO many Krystal supporters online but they are so scattered and quiet. I think it's important for us to be all commenting together about support for Krystal and 'liking' each other's comments on Youtube/Facebook (extremely important because it means Nintendo themselves WILL see it)
I think on Nintendo's official Youtube and Facebook pages are the best places to do these "unified comments", if they continue to see the support for her (and Star Fox Assault, because it signifies not only Krystal's inclusion but also the actual potential for growth the SF series has) then they may take our support into consideration when making a new SF game!
I wanted to see if anyone on here wanted to be involved with us actively commenting/liking Krystal related posts on YouTube.
I can update this thread with links of videos we'll be targeting for this "unified support" It will really help with our cause and if you are a Krystal supporter then this is a really efficient way of showing that support/increasing her odds of returning to the series in general!
Please let me know if any of you are interested!
By Talyl Landmaster
What if Star Wolf had a TV show (or anime, or whatever the kids say these days)? I was making this poster with that idea just for fun. Maybe it would be an action comedy of some kind. I don't know. But here is a poster I did years ago.