1 post in this topic
Why didn't Battle Mode make it into Star Fox 2 final release?
/ (_)\_( )_\ FOX BECOMES ADDICTED TO CHEESE: EPIC NEW VERSION EDITION
) /\/ _ (o)( The Shining Achievement of All FoxKind
\ \_) (o) /
A desolate planet of pollution and waste. Venom's Voleech City was ugly as rotting paste. As I say all of this, Fox had to make haste. He was scurrying behind buildings and blasting at bots, bursting their circuits as they screamed out 'bleeps' and 'blots'. Made of tech, they were, they had no blood clots. Fox's boots continued to make more trit-trots, as he fox-trotted his way into the Death Weapon Factory. Robot armies followed him inside, could it be that Fox had nowhere to hide?
"I need to destroy these weapons so that Andross won't use them against Corneria" Fox thought to himself. He isolated each in a gravitational field, then set a timer on each one, eventually they'd come out well done. Sooner or later, they bursted into flames, sending scrap metal everywhere, killing the robot armies who had no names. Then Fox got an incoming message from Falco, not Slippy. Man oh man, is that bird ever lippy.
"Andross is here, he's bringing death and fear. Get your ass to Corneria, hurry right now! We can't make cheese, they've slaughtered every last cow! We've even got less freedom here than on Venom, I'm just thanking God that my jacket is Denim" said Falco. Fox jumped in his ship as soon as he could, then set off for Corneria, to restore peace and brotherhood. When he arrived on his homeworld he was not very pleased. The cities were in shambles, even Admiral Z's house of cheese. Cheese had been banned under Emperor Andross's new law. No one could have cheese throughout the land, not cubed nor sliced, not even one strand. Children were crying and wailing in pain, where was Fox when they needed him? No cheese is quite lame! The giant block of cheese atop Admiral Z's had melted down, far down to the ground, trapping Cornerians...wait isn't the earth round?
"Cheese can't possibly be that frickin' sticky. Something's rotten in Wisconsin, and this ain't no job for Slippy" thought Fox. Fox got an incoming message from Wolf, who was flying overhead. He didn't like Fox, he wanted Fox to be dead.
"Hey Fox it's the Wolfster, your people are worthless eaters. We added adhesive properties to the cheese, so now they're all stuck. You'll never defeat Andross cuz face it Fox, you suck. Cheese is for losers so kiss your planet goodbye. All you animals must bow before Andross and die" said Wolf. Sick of all the distress and war, Fox couldn't take it, no not anymore. Fox dropped his cell phone, and began losing his mind. He couldn't take what was happening, even so, saving planets was his 9 to 5 grind. But when all seemed lost, Peppy flew by, dispatching himself with a parachute to the ground, sniffing out trouble better than a foxhound. He got out a long stick of measuring tape, and began charting, graphing, and plotting the melted cheese landscape. Finally he knew just what the Star Fox team should do.
"Ah, dang, I'm gettin' carless. Fox, Gimme a spare Lylation Nova Bomb" ordered Peppy. Fox pulled a Nova Bomb out of his pocket and placed it in Peppy's hands.
"Ah, that be the one. Now watch and learn Fox mah boy" said Peppy. Peppy began strapping on giant mecha-gloves to prevent his hands from getting stuck, then started lifting up the cheese straight off the earth. That took strength, power, and mirth? He rolled up the cheese against the nova bomb, then hastened to a cannon, firing it at Andross's ships one by one. If they wouldn't let Cornerians have cheese then let them have what they took. In the form of planetary defense prepared by a master cook.
"DO A CHEESE ROLL!" ordered Peppy.
"Man, where'd you learn to do that?" asked Fox in amazement.
"I learned it at the Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling and Wake. It's an event near Gloucester, England, where they roll cheese down hills. Now if you don't mind, it's time to defeat the emperor's evil shills!" said Peppy, rolling up the nova bomb in all of the melted sticky cheese from the demolition of Admiral Z's restaurant. Fox began rolling up a nova bomb in cheese, and freed all the citizens who had been stuck. Then Fox and Peppy loaded up the cannons, taking out each one of Andross's minions. Eventually appeared Andross himself, pissed off as hell, like a wargod-elf. Fox jumped into his Arwing, and prepared to take him down. He wasn't gonna lose his beloved planet to that Planet of the Apes reject CLOWN!
"You will die, just like your father" declared Andross.
"Not over my dead body!" said Fox.
"You do realize the irony and foolishness of your response, do you not, Fox?" thundered Andross.
"I realize that you're going down!" said Fox.
"If I'm going down, then I'm taking you with me" said Andross.
"NEVER!" yelled Fox.
"It is foolish to come against me. You know that I control the galaxy!" said Andross.
"The universe is like waaaay bigger than that" replied Fox. "TASTE CHEESE YOU FREAAAAK!" yelled Fox, firing a cheese laced nova bomb into Andross's mouth. Andross's ship exploded and Andross parachuted himself to the ground, along with his robot buddy and number one confidante and fan...Fantron.
"I have a splitting headache," said Andross. "Why must I always lose?" he wailed, pounding the earth with his fist.
"Master, perhaps next time you should attack your own planet, Venom. Then get everyone to think Fox was responsible. Maybe then your people would finally support you and your unquenchable thirst for war" said Fantron.
"Not a bad idea" said Andross in his evil robotic-like Darth Vader-esque voice. But then Fox cornered Andross, plasma blaster in tow. He looked quite proud, he had put on a good show!
"Correction Emperor. That's a very BAD idea!" said Fox. "You're going to Corneria War Crimes Prison for at least thirteen years, you won't get any cheese, just cheap Norwegian beers!" Andross looked confused.
Later that day...
Fox, Falco, Peppy and Slippy, watching cheese burn in a restaurant founded by a hippie!
"Yay, Fox!" clapped Falco, Peppy, and Slippy, as a giant block of cheese slowly melted under a candle's flames. They all clinged wine glasses together.
"LONG LIVE TEAM STAR FOX. AND LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING...CHEESE!" they all yelled. The three men cheered and shared a group hug, then devoured more cheese and dived into an oversized apple cider jug. Outside the room was the beautiful Krystal, aspy. She had seen enough, Fox just wasn't her guy.
Note: I took the words "THE END" and made them be out of cheese. Then I rolled them up in an awesomely tasty text sandwich.
/ \ (_, THE END
) /\/ _ (o)(
\ \_) (o) /
Krystal Becomes Infatuated with Cheese
So we all know the story, it had something to do with cheese, and how with cheese Fox was easy to please.
But there's more to it than that as this new tale shall prove, for this is when Krystal caught on to the groove.
It started out a day like any other, but Krystal had moved on! Fox was away from her life, yes indeed gone. Mocked for having been part of Star Wolf briefly,
she took up residence on the delightful Planet Kew. But her true feelings were just like her fur...very blue. So she joined a coven of fox girls just like her, hoping that for her sadness this would be the cure. But it wasn't you see, Fox wasn't gone, deep down in Krystal's heart Fox still lingered on.
"I'm delighted to attend this meeting as you can see. I'm not the least bit lonely, I feel quite free!" said Krystal.
"Good," said Fay sitting to the right of Krystal. "Let's do a conciousness raising session, with trees made of nettle!"
"Sorry to interrupt but she takes cheese to each session. She has some Chedder and Feta right now, I have the most distinct impression" said Fara.
"No, no, no, I'm not up for that. Why is everyone staring at me and Katt?" asked Krystal.
"It's the cheeses behind your backs," said Fay with a smirk. "Why not share some with us? Might be a nice perk!"
"No, I won't" said Katt. "I like cheese too much, cheese I must never lack. My only true boyfriend is Monteray Jack"
Krystal sighed. She had never been a fan of cheese. But see, Fox was, and his soul was something Krystal just had to appease.
"This cheese reminds me of someone I loved. Someone I cared for, kissed, and hugged" said Krystal, embarresed. She ran away.
"She takes that cheese to every meeting here!" said Fay. "AND SHE NEVER EATS IT!" she added.
KRYSTAL JUMPED IN HER ARWING WITH THE CHEESE IN TOW, SHE WASN'T FEELiNG TOO GOOD, THIS WE ALL KNOW
"So they don't like me clutching on to cheese, do they? I wasn't about to convince them it was my baby, I need Fox Mccloud back, he's the mashed potato to my gravy" said Krystal. Feeling sad, with dejected eyes, she flew herself into a black hole.
She got warped to Planet Earth, London UK to be exact. Krystal sounded like she came from there, we'll never know why. Perhaps it's past life stuff, but for now, gotta fly!
Her arwing crashed and she jumped out with a parachute. She brushed dust off her legs and frantically searched the wreckage for cheese.
She pulled out some cheese and got down on her knees.
"Oh, cheese, you'll always be special to me. My one reminder of whom I love, Fox if you're still out there, please show me a dove" said Krystal.
A dove flew down and stole her cheese. Krystal ran towards a policewoman.
"You look rather blue," said the policewoman.
"I am blue, my name is Krystal, yes it's true. A dove flew off into the sky with my cheese, he did not even ask first,
nor did he say please!" replied Krystal.
"I can't help you this instant, I think it's been too long a shift. I've never seen a fox person, if you get my drift. But cheese? Yes, it's delicious when spread over fresh mana. Krystal, has anyone told you that you sound just like Princess Diana?" said the cop.
Krystal broke down in tears and yelled out to the Krazoa to take her away to Fox. So they gave her a test. A taste test of cheeses, conducted by them.
The Krazoas loved cheese. With cheese they were easy to appease. So they brought her to where Fox was...sitting in a London pub, eating cheese and drinking wine, while helping Falco flick away a bug.
"Fox," said Krystal tapping Fox on the back. "You know I'm the only one that can understand you, I just have a knack!"
"Do I know you, blue lady? Oh, Krystal, that's right. It's called a rivalry okay? Let me get back to my rivalries!" said Fox, who then proceeded to chat with Falco.
"That bird can buzz off, he's bloomin' pissing me off. Now Fox, look at me! We were a team, like Mcnee and Dianna Rigg. Would you forgive me if I handed you a fig?"
"Figs are old school and I'm just as depressed as you. My nose is stuck to this table like glue!" said Fox.
"Fox, I have cheese!" said Krystal. Fox looked at the cheese.
"Get that away!" said Fox violently slapping away the food. Krystal's dress came undone, leaving her in a bikini. All the onlookers looked,
Krystal, she was damn pretty!
"Terrific, everyone's staring at me and my rack. Fox won't you please come back?" said Krystal.
"Can't right now!" said Fox.
"Oh, please, Fox, let's go right now! Repair to our Arwings, with that food made from a cow" said Krystal.
"Food made from a cow?" asked Fox, with a twinkle in his eye. "You mean cheese right?"
"Yes, Fox. Cheese!" said Krystal.
"To heck with cheese!" said Fox. Krystal started to cry.
"No, no, hear me out, you must know the reason why!" said Fox. Brushing away a tear, Krystal listened.
"Krystal I realize I love you more than anything in the universe. You're the greatest gift ever, this I now know, let's rise from the pits where we sunk so low" said Fox. Fox looked into Krystal's eyes, so sweet and sublime. He saw the cheese in her hands, and realized she was one hundred percent divine.
"I can't believe how foolish I was!" said Fox with a teary eyed grin. He hugged Krystal, and they both shared a kiss. The crowd was confused,
but to Fox and Krystal, this was bliss.
"Falco, just admit my boyfriend's a better pilot than you. Go home to your cat, she'll repair your beak like new!" said Krystal.
Back in the Arwing:
"You were actually going to change your name to Kursed?" asked Fox.
"Yes, yes, yes I was. But now we have each other and a cargo hold full of cheese. And our beautiful sets of furs, free of all fleas!" replied Krystal.
I really enjoy playing Star Fox on the Retro Duo Portable! For those who don't know there exists a handheld Super NES known as Retro Duo, and it plays Star Fox effortlessly. I can play it outside! The battery life is cool too.