an E-mail i got from my mom

[Velocity]

this is an e-mail i got from my mom(don't judge me or her because she sends me stuff like this all the time)

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past

year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have

them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on

the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last

person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has

happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the

number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell

phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine

how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a

public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the

glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope

that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)

who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the

$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward

an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove

toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car

so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave

anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

with a needle infected with AIDS

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume

sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al

Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore

, and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their

recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the

parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting

underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown

recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes

over 6 ft. out of the commode. 

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m

Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually

happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second

husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered

that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their

hand on the mouse...

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Guest FoXXX]

Lol

[CrypticQuery]

Wow...hey, I DIDN'T HAVE MY HAND ON THE MOUSE!! I READ IT WITH THE ARROWS!! YEAH!!  :D

[Mr. Krystal]

If the guy who wrote this was ACTUALLY smart, he wouldn't have written anything at all.

[Guest FoXXX]

If the guy who wrote this was ACTUALLY smart, he wouldn't have written anything at all.

^This O_O

[Sideways]

LOL.

[Ellipzocore]

Hey tyler, not to be mean, but, tl;dr. I am so sorry, just couldn't continue reading. I tried though.

[Vy'drach]

Lawl.

[ThePointingMan]

Now that makes no sense at all, using the arrow keys is a slower method of scrolling, anyone with active brain cells should realize scrolling with the mouse is much faster.

[Guest DRL]

Now that makes no sense at all, using the arrow keys is a slower method of scrolling, anyone with active brain cells should realize scrolling with the mouse is much faster.

^ That made me ROFL!!.. But man, you are RIGHT!

Lol, I feel ashamed about the last "German scientist

from Argentina"... We South Americans are not stupid! 

We just have an problem with governing ourselves, but that is

all... 

But that guy is foolish, yeah. I would not call that jerk a scientist

ever.

But seriously, who wrote this can be two things, from my perspective:

A) A stupid troll.

B) Someone with mental problems.

[Mr. Krystal]

Now that makes no sense at all, using the arrow keys is a slower method of scrolling, anyone with active brain cells should realize scrolling with the mouse is much faster.

And scroll-wheel is slower and less accurate than two-finger pad-scrolling. Anyone with active brain cells would by a Mac.

You silly person.

Scrolling with the arrows has its own advantages and disadvantages over the scroll wheel. Not everyone is concerned ONLY with speed when scrolling. I know you aren't, since you're still using a slow mouse wheel.

[Guest FoXXX]

You can change the scroll wheel's speed in your control panels :)

[Matt Macdowel]

If the guy who wrote this was ACTUALLY smart, he wouldn't have written anything at all.

????? whats that got to do with this?

[ThePointingMan]

And scroll-wheel is slower and less accurate than two-finger pad-scrolling. Anyone with active brain cells would by a Mac.

You silly person.

Scrolling with the arrows has its own advantages and disadvantages over the scroll wheel. Not everyone is concerned ONLY with speed when scrolling. I know you aren't, since you're still using a slow mouse wheel.

Hehe Someones gettin revenge possibly for my strong dislike of Macs err mebbe not.  First I shall test the scrolling speed of my scrolling wheel of justice! very fast indeed.. This post can only be completed from a mac, excuse me whilst I go upstairs.

Alright, I admit, the two finger scroll feels pretty cool, but in no way does it feel faster then my scrolling wheel, and... I don't see how it's anymore accurate, it feels kinda good how you just use your fingers, and depending on how you press it, it does different junk(excuse the word junk, it does not mean garbage). There is no middle click... or right click for that matter, but I'm sure I'd get used to that command control click, if I frequently used a mac, but that's not the point, the point is, without a scrolling wheel, there is no middle click. They are both relatively good methods of scrolling...

So it all comes down to whether you'd like to sacrifice middle click, or coolness of two fingered scroll. I find middle clicking very useful, and without it, I would have a lot of trouble playing Crysis...

HAH! whos the silly person now? eh, Probably still meh...  This is gonna backfire somehow.. Oh snap ??˜µ?????ç?? Macs got math symbols! (I meant to copy/paste)

[The Green Fox]

funny stuff!

[X-Gamer]

I am soooo sending this to everyone I have in my contacts list.

This is actually very funny.  :D

[Guest Para Astaroth]

El-oh-el