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Sapphire

Un-named Star Fox Fan Fic

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Sapphire

I haven't named this FF yet, but I'm working on it. Please NO negative comments, and only improvement on grammar skills. I already got a comment on FB saying that I should keep conversations going on lines, or...something like that, I forgot who he is on here, but thanks! :)

So here's the Story, it's only the first chapter. I'm not sure if I should continue it or not...And I need the grammer help because next semester I'm taking creative writing and will be writing alot of SF FFs if I can (Which I will share on here :)) SO here it is! :)

He tossed and turned as he drempt the night away, moaning and groaning as he faced a terrible nightmare. Fox and his team are at the Aparoid homeworld and are seeing the tragic sacrifice of the Great Fox. "All of you! Get out of the way!" shouted Peppy as the Great Fox came upon the Apariod planet, the team was confused on what their advisor was doing. "Peppy!" Krystal shouted. "What are you doing?! Crazy old fool!" Falco had no clue what was happening. Fox thought to himself, "What the hell is Peppy doing?!". Fox heard R.O.B. and Peppy conversating on the transmission radio. ".....*static*...Who cares? We're going out...*static*..in style!.....Ahhhhhhhh!"

A loud crash is heard, Fox wakes up from his dream all covered in sweat with his heart beating fast. "Huh...what?". He looks around the room and remembers that after him and his team returned to Corneria, they were forced to make a base in the city. They had no name for it, they pretty much just called it "The Base". And they were only there until they could afford the under construction Great Fox. Since they had somehow lost the blue prints to their latest model, the team was forced to go back to their first model, Fox actually liked the idea.

Fox got up from his bed and did a few stretches, he saw the time on his alarm clock, 6:30 a.m.Over looking that today was the day that Fox and the team get to see the new Great Fox, he went to the kitchen to make himself some coffee to start up his day. When he got there, he found Krystal sound asleep leaning her head on the table. Fox smirked at her and continued beginning his day. Krystal heard him making the coffee and weakly asked him, "What are you doing up so early?" He looked over at her and told her. "I...I just had a bad dream, nothing to worry about." He poured himself a hot cup of coffee. "Want a cup?" She smiled and said, "Sure...what was your dream about?". He handed her the glass and sat down with her at the table.

"Peppy..." he said with a sad expression on his face. Krystal laughed, "What about him? He's sleeping in his room, I can hear him snoring." She giggled. "No, I mean, at the Aparoid home world. She realizes what he is talking about, "You mean, with the Great Fox?" "Yeah..." he replied. "Well..." she took a deep breath. "Peppy did, what he had to do, he risked his life, but it was his duty Fox." "I know, Peppy has always been like a dad to me, since my father died. It just bothers me on what kinda crazy thing he might do next." She layed her hand on top of his. "But he's fine, Peppy is a smart guy, he knows what he's doing. And besides, you knew he was going to do that all along, you said it yourself." "Well, before we got to the Aparoid homeworld, me and Peppy were up late, just talking. We knew that it would be a rough battle with the Aparoids, we didn't know what to expect. But Peppy had this idea that once we took over their homeworld, that it wasn't going to be that easy. He predicted that there would be some sort of sheild or barrier in our way. But I didn't know how to react, I never thought of something like that. Peppy suggested that we used something large and powerful to destroy this shield like a batting ram. I had the idea of sacrificing one of the CDF ships. He told me no. The CDF ships would not to be able to ram against something as powerful as that shield. I couldn't think of anything else from the top of my head. Peppy looked at me and told me that there will be a day, when he must fulfill his duty. I didn't understand what he ment until I saw the Great Fox heading tword the shield, covered with those damn bugs, with Peppy at the wheel. It scared me when I saw the Great Fox run into the shield. I knew what he was doing. And I didn't like it. When he told us to go, I didn't hesitate, I have always remembered what Wolf tolf me that one time at Corneria City, Don't hesitate, when the time comes, just act. And I have always remembered that since the day Wolf told me, so i just went in and told you all to follow me, and when I heard the Great Fox explode, I had a feeling I lost a friend. But, when we confrunted the Queen. I heard something on the radio, I heard Peppy, and it wasn't the Queen, I could tell the difference. And I knew somehow, Peppy was alive." "Well Fox, I have to say, that is quite a story." "It's just I've always been so nervous of what Peppy does. I've just wanted him to be safe." "I know Fox, I know." Fox heard something coming from the hallway and saw that Peppy was up. "Ah, now what is the lovely couple doing at this time of morning hmm?" He smiled. "What's up, Peppy?" Fox smiled. "Goodmorning Peppy. " Krystal also smiled. "Fox got up and said "Can I make ya a cup Peppy?" "Nah, I'm to anxeious to see the new Great Fox, it's going to be wonderful seeing the old thing again." "I have no clue what 'the old one' looks like, I don't believe I was here when it was still in that model." Krystal said. "It was back when I was younger, and I was still a pilot. It's good to remember the good old days." Peppy smiled and laughed.

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Fluxy

I am putting aside the pickyness that I get when it gets to stories, cause it is shouting at me because of the spacing. Other than that, I see a lot of communication going on between the characters which is good. I am not going to spout out my ideas on improvement, mainly because it is better when the writer finds them and builds on it rather than someone telling them. It has good potential. Continue it, you will see some healthy changes that will make it more desirable for others to read, and will get yourself more into the writing it as well.

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Sapphire

I am putting aside the pickyness that I get when it gets to stories, cause it is shouting at me because of the spacing. Other than that, I see a lot of communication going on between the characters which is good. I am not going to spout out my ideas on improvement, mainly because it is better when the writer finds them and builds on it rather than someone telling them. It has good potential. Continue it, you will see some healthy changes that will make it more desirable for others to read, and will get yourself more into the writing it as well.

Thanks :)

And I know, I need spacing, bad. And I'll make sure to put in spacing as I write the next chapter :)

Got any "Spacing Secrets"?

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Fluxy

Got any "Spacing Secrets"?

They aren't really secrets. Just something like....

"Blah blah blah." Bob said

"Uh-huh. With blah?" Jill responded.

"Totaly blah." Bob answered.

Sorta like that rather than....

"Blah blah blah." Bob said. "Uh-huh. With blah?" "Totaly blah."

:)

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Sapphire

They aren't really secrets. Just something like....

"Blah blah blah." Bob said

"Uh-huh. With blah?" Jill responded.

"Totaly blah." Bob answered.

Sorta like that rather than....

"Blah blah blah." Bob said. "Uh-huh. With blah?" "Totaly blah."

:)

Oh okay, so no:

"Blah!" said Bob

"Holy Sh*t! You surprised me!" said Jill

"lol" bob replied.

"I'll 'lol' you!"

"nah"

"ya"

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Fluxy

Oh okay, so no:

"Blah!" said Bob

"Holy Sh*t! You surprised me!" said Jill

"lol" bob replied.

"I'll 'lol' you!"

"nah"

"ya"

Doesn't need to be that spaced, but let me say it better than I did earlier. For longer conversations, rather than smaller talks, go with the,

"****"

"***?"

"***"

Sorta deal. If it is going to be smaller and a shorter amount, it's okay to have it part of the usual paragraph, just as long as you are clear as to who is talking. I am not very good at explaining things through stuff like this. Take a look at some other FanFics if you don't understand or need some more advice, it will be sure to help. :)

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Sapphire

I've also heard this thing about the class that they're supposed to do, they're gonna teach me how to be more descriptive...do you think it's descriptive enough Nick?

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Fluxy

I've also heard this thing about the class that they're supposed to do, they're gonna teach me how to be more descriptive...do you think it's descriptive enough Nick?

Well, It's something. Usually when people write stories, and have a mainly dialogue going on between characters, they add some actions or expressions. I think you could benefit from using more in general, but the first part had an okay amount of descriptiveness. But then again, you are talking to Mr. Picky when it comes to writing and reading. *Shrugs* More would be a good thing, just be sure to look out for too much. At one point it will look like you are dragging it out.

But then again. For a fanfic on a site where you are not being graded, it's fine. If I were to turn in stories to my English teacher (Which I have done before a lot) I would definitely add some more for a better grade for sure.

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Sapphire

Well, It's something. Usually when people write stories, and have a mainly dialogue going on between characters, they add some actions or expressions. I think you could benefit from using more in general, but the first part had an okay amount of descriptiveness. But then again, you are talking to Mr. Picky when it comes to writing and reading. *Shrugs* More would be a good thing, just be sure to look out for too much. At one point it will look like you are dragging it out.

But then again. For a fanfic on a site where you are not being graded, it's fine. If I were to turn in stories to my English teacher (Which I have done before a lot) I would definitely add some more for a better grade for sure.

I'm sure you would be great at it Nick ;)

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