Jump to content

Shard: Episode 1: Enter the Shard


Rogue Fox

Recommended Posts

<Note: This takes place shortly after Star Fox leaves Fortuna after defeating Andrew.>

Three ships explode from Fortuna's atmosphere.

From their markings, they are the ships from Andross's former army.

From one of the ships, the frightened pilot calls their teamates,

"Did you see what happened back there? Andrew got obliterated by Star Fox, and then those Apariod things appeared."

"Yeah I saw that," the other ship radioed back.

"Maintain radio silence," the lead ship said, "We'll find a safe planet, ditch these ships, and try to find another space gang to join."

Suddenly a ship appeared infront of them. It was a strange bullet ship craft.

"Who does this pilot think he is? Attack pattern, now," said the lead.

The three circled around the bullet ship.

The bullet ship then launched a lazer that attached itself to the enemy's ship, firing a constant wave at it until it exploded.

The second ship straffed back and forth, firing its lasers.

The bullet ship dogged and laungched a large laser wave that caught the enemy's ship, crippling it.

With a few single hits, that ship exploded.

The lead ship now started to lead the bullet craft on a wild chase.

The enemy's ship was just about to fire a bomb at the back of the bullet ship when it stopped, turned around and at the front of the ship was a charged laser ready for the kill.

"Who... Who are you," the lead said.

"I am Shard, the last of the Cerenians. Anyone who threatens peaceful planets shall face me and my ship."

Then the ship fired and the last of Andross's ship fell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm in a nitpicky mood, here's some detailed criticism.

From one of the ships, the frightened pilot calls their teamates,

Their? The pilot doesn't have a sex? Why don't you just decide on one or the other, instead of relegating the poor pilot to the realm of the gender-neutral.

"Maintain radio silence," the lead ship said,

"Guys? If you could just maintain radio silence a little more please, I'd appreciate it. Thanks." No, the lead ship would not just 'say' an order; find a better word, to describe the commanding tone of the officer's voice, his annoyance at their current situation and, perhaps, the hint of fear underlying the order. Check a thesaurus if necessary.

And oh yes, before I forget: you just changed tense. I suggest making it all past, because you only just begin with present tense.

Suddenly a ship appeared infront of them. It was a strange bullet ship craft.

Try "bullet-shaped", to avoid saying 'ship' twice in a row.

The three circled around the bullet ship.

The bullet ship then launched a laser that attached itself to the enemy's ship, firing a constant wave at it until it exploded.

The second ship strafed back and forth, firing its lasers.

The bullet ship dodged and launched a large laser wave that caught the enemy's ship, crippling it.

With a few single hits, that ship exploded.

The lead ship now started to lead the bullet craft on a wild chase.

The enemy's ship was just about to fire a bomb at the back of the bullet ship when it stopped, turned around and at the front of the ship was a charged laser ready for the kill.

This should all be one paragraph, and with more detail, to boot. Don't just make it about the new ship kicking the proverbial asses of the other ships; add in radio communication, the frantic calls of the pilots as they watch their teammates being torn apart by this mysterious enemy. Spelling corrections marked in bold.

Also, "With a few single hits" is a very awkward phrase. What is he firing at them, "Who Let the Dogs Out"? Try something like "With a few more hits".

"I am Shard, the last of the Cerenians. Anyone who threatens peaceful planets shall face me and my ship."

At this point, the lead ship reminded Mr. Shard that his flight had just taken off from Fortuna, which is nowhere near Cerinia, and that they had not, in fact, been threatening his peaceful planet. Which, you know, is well known for creating bullet-shaped craft of mass destruction. Because of their peacefulness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Grimloq

Dang Take, you're as harsh as I am. (Also, 'their' implies plural)

Anyway, as an outline it's very good - I suggest fleshing it out considerably before calling it an installment.

<edit> For radio chatter, you can use that to replace saying 'the ship exploded' and the like - Like 'There was a frantic cry from his wingman, "STARBOARD POWER SHUNT IS GOING CRITICAL!" It was cut off by a burst of static; he had one ship less.'

Also (Argh, Take's infected me as well...), just a suggestion - it's more coherent if you keep it all from one perspective. It's REALLY hard to do omniscience in stories. Like if it's the commander (Which it sounds like it would be), include actions the commander takes but give his wingmen no more than radio messages and general ship movements - what the commander sees, the reader sees.

<edit2> Dang DZ, the forums dropped out JUST as I was going to hit 'Submit' on that edit. :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dang Take' date=' you're as harsh as I am. (Also, 'their' implies plural)[/quote']

Excellent. It's good to know I'm in numbered company.

To your second point, I would disagree. In common usage in modern English (American, at least), 'they', 'them' and 'their' have become gender-neutral third-person words, regardless of number. So that a sentence like "Would the person who left their briefcase at the common room please come and retrieve it?" is, in fact, perfectly acceptable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, I guess the point is moot, since the author really needs to just decide on a gender-specific third-person pronoun to use, and, in doing so, would eliminate the question of number altogether.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...