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Story time, turds. The infamous troll team of SFO has combatted the infernos of Hell itself.


Milkyway64

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So shockingly, much like all of you, Xort and I have mundane, boring parts to our lives. Yeah, I know, it's hard to picture us doing anything less than fighting crime with 2x4's 24/7, but it's the ugly truth. That said, we still have moments of heroism and adventure, and this thread will chronicle one of those days, taking place February 22nd, 2011.*

It was a boring day in the upstairs bedroom we like to think of as our version of that batcave. Even though our super computer and robot assistant do the chores for us normally, sometimes a bit of manual labor is needed, and so our hands were dedicated to cleaning house and taking out the trash, although it was dust and actual trash rather than the criminal scum we usually work with.

Xort: General, we need to upgrade the robot soon. I don't have time for this.

Milky: Quit your whining, what are you gonna do otherwise, post on SFO?

Silence filled the room, save for the clanging of empty soda cans bouncing off eachother by the armful.

Milky: What we need is a woman. They do this crap efficiently and hey, it's their job.

Xort: Yeah, but getting a woman in the first place is the hard part...

Milky: We're boned, then. I'm gonna take this stuff downstairs.

And so I approached the entrance to our lair, shifting everything to my left arm so I could punch in the password and open the reinforced steel door**, making may for my trip downstairs. Hitting the landing at the bottom, I noticed my mother running outside in a panic. I figured it was best to investigate, so I peeked my head out the backdoor. She noticed and yelled for me to run outside because of a growing fire, but to get my sister and Xort out there too.

"Oh shit!" I think as I speedbomb upstairs. "Fire! We're screwed!" I kicked open both doors to our respective rooms and tell them to get outside, grabbing a bucket if they can. Neither had a clue what was going on, but they obey anyway. Approximately 15 seconds later, we're armed with two mop buckets and a wastebasket, and standing before us was a raging inferno.

Xort: Holy shit, you could have mentioned that the devil took a deuce in the yard!

He immediately reached for his 2x4 before the logic clicked that that crap was flammable. Putting his crime fighting weapon down, he took the bucket back up in arms.

Xort: To the pond!!!

And not another word was spoken. Xort and I have a synergy, such a strong partnership, that we have a freaky twin bond sort of thing going where we know what the other is thinking and can coordinate appropriately. Armed with our plastic buckets, teamwork, the water from the pond, and our two ton balls, we stared into the orange fortress of flickering flames and challenged it. Usually, we are pretty lazy guys, but as anyone who's seen me play a metroid game knows, I'm a speeding beast when motivated. Using all my skills from vidya game speed running and Xort utilizing his innate quickness (You fools think his avatar is Quickman for nothing?! Hah!) we managed to efficiently and precisely chip away at the spreading fire. In a fashion similar to situations some of you have been on the business end of, we left no quarter for our scorching foe, using our combined talent and manpower to overcome the elements and almost shut down a 30 or so foot wall of flames, with our less unstoppable sister covering the few gaps we left in our assault. However, machines we may be, but human we still are. It was a battle we COULD have lost, if not for our big damn hero and dude of the month, Jacket Guy.

Ever play Final Fantasy X, wherein the opening sequence Auron sees the incoming apocolypse and just doesn't give a shit, lifting his whiskey silently and staring at it intensely from behind his sunglasses? This was that guy, he just came from nowhere, speaking nary a word, stared our adversary down and whipped off his jacket. He then began beating it with the article like it owed him money, and I'm pretty sure he was throwing out one liners that's make Arnold Schwarzenegger jealous, but I'm not too sure on that. Be it through simple physics or the fire being genuinely afraid of this dude, it didn't spread past him. He was like fucking Gandalf with the Balrog, only instead of being armed with a sword and staff this guy had a fucking wind breaker. It was inspiring.

So eventually, the fire department arrives and cleans up what's left. However, they're in so much awe that we did their job for them that they didn't charge us a penny, anything they extinguished would burn out on it's own unless someone dumped a bunch of gasoline in the road. Xort, my sis, my parents and I took a moment to celebrate our victory, hard earned as it was. The hill between the lake and field was steep and slick, requiring perfection in balance and technique to not totally screw up, and I didn't even bother putting on shoes, although the 2 inches of mud and testosterone that likened itself to battle boots from mother nature herself fared well enough. Unfortunately, Jacket Guy had left before we could learn his name, replace his jacket, or recruit him into our guild of crime fighters, lending a bittersweet ending to this tale.

To this moment, we still don't know what cuased the fire, though we suspect it was Xort's piano playing channeling a fictional character partly made out of fire manifesting itself nearby. ***

*-Some accounts of this story may or may not be actual truth

**- only the handle of this door was metal, and even then it's brass

***- the fire may have instead been caused by the burn pit stationed nearby coupled with the wind

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sounded almost as cool as the time i fought off the lochness monster from a nest a baby turtles, with only as toothpik, lol.

Good story well written i enjoyed reading it

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This is the best story ever written, and needs a sequel!

MOAR STORY.

Unfortunately, being a documentary of questionable credibility, a sequel can't be written without a real life followup, and I very much doubt that the dead fire is gonna flare up again.

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Unfortunately, being a documentary of questionable credibility, a sequel can't be written without a real life followup, and I very much doubt that the dead fire is gonna flare up again.

Dude. You've started how many flame wars? I'm sure you can start a measly fire. :trollface:
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Unfortunately, being a documentary of questionable credibility, a sequel can't be written without a real life followup, and I very much doubt that the dead fire is gonna flare up again.

Maybe it should be more like a Nancy Drew type sequel, where it has nothing to do with the last story.

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The funny thing is, the first time I was at his house they have a massive bonfire in the backyard that very night! :shock: Something about being out in the middle of nowhere and fire that has some correlation I guess. :?

This is the best story ever written, and needs a sequel!

MOAR STORY.

If there is sequel to be written, it will happen when I'm down at his house for two weeks in April - probably during a massive road trip involving multiple states and multiple LQ locations...maybe throw in Mexico as well I dunno.

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Wow, this certainly isn't the same story you told me last night. :P Oh well, we all know you have a big head anyway. :P

Dude. You've started how many flame wars? I'm sure you can start a measly fire. :trollface:

Haha, pwn'd. :P

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This story is somewhere between 75% and 90% truth.

This seriously needs to be in its own novel; maybe a collection of short stories that blend pure awesomeness with the charm and hilarity of Milky's escapades. :D

Oh, and This should be the theme :P

Yeah, I always told Milky he was a good writer.

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