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Not Another Starfox Screenplay!?


Hemms

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What is Star Fox: Reckoning? An epic tail of a nation and it's people in peril. A story or personal trials, and timeless love, in the middle of a war to decide the fate of an entire race. Countries will fall, and rise. Men and women will be destroyed, and recreated from the ashes of their own torment. There is a plan. A cosmic plan which binds the events of the universe together. We all play a part. And it's all leading up to The Reckoning. Just as the first Cornerian said "Someday soon there will be a Reckoning."

Lylat System Map

Act I

Star Fox Reckoning.pdf

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Wow… :-o

This is so awesome! I didn't read it all, but I breezed through it a little. And it looks very good. ^^

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Wow… :-o

This is so awesome! I didn't read it all, but I breezed through it a little. And it looks very good. ^^

Wow really!? You like it? Thanks! I worked really hard on it. Yes, I realize that it's a LONG script. 1 hour and 20 minutes in and it's only through act 1! I am thankful you glanced at it for as much as you did. Please spread the word! :3

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Is this your screenplay or did you just find this on the webs. I ask because this doesn't seem to have a lickity split to do with the Starfox canon.

First off.

Why is Fox so rich

Why are Katt Monroe and Wolf O'Donnell working together

Why is Katt blue

Why is General Pepper only an admiral

Why is Corneria the only notable (Every other planet seems to have been made up on the crapper while reading a book on Egyptian history)

I didn't really enjoy it at all. This wasn't really a Starfox screenplay, but a ripoff of Starfox.

This is my opinion. If you are butthurt by what I said, so what.

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the only thing I get bothered about is that Wolf is gay and loves panther in this movie, and that StarWolf aren't bad guys.

Also I'm a little confused about the Fox and Krystal relationship in this movie. Fox hasn't met krystal yet he would like to be with her just because she some famous vixen?

Yes, I did make Wolf gay. You gotta have the token gay Furry this story, and I like to think it's tastefully done, and not just another pairing fanfiction. Star Wolf doesn't really exist in this film. They are just your average soldier in the Lylatian military.

On Fox's side Fox is kinda self centered, as he was in the games. Everyone has a celebrity crush, but Fox's goes further than that. He's loved Krystal for years just cause she was on magazine covers and was the center of attention as he so desperatly wants to be.

Thank you for taking the time to read it! That really means a lot to me.

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Is this your screenplay or did you just find this on the webs. I ask because this doesn't seem to have a lickity split to do with the Starfox canon.

First off.

Why is Fox so rich

Why are Katt Monroe and Wolf O'Donnell working together

Why is Katt blue

Why is General Pepper only an admiral

Why is Corneria the only notable (Every other planet seems to have been made up on the crapper while reading a book on Egyptian history)

I didn't really enjoy it at all. This wasn't really a Starfox screenplay, but a ripoff of Starfox.

This is my opinion. If you are butthurt by what I said, so what.

Thank you for taking the time to read it all. Your input is important to me.

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you don't even answer ZM Anonymous's questions XDD

And he's not going to, because to him, my review is scathing enough to be considered trolling. And you said Star Wolf doesn't really exist. You might as well not try to add Wolf, Panther, or Leon (I don't know if you did add Leon because I was too upset with the progression that I just went tl;dr). And the token gay furry? do you write fanfiction full-time because I'm sure not everything has to have a gay character in it (Thanks Glee. Look what you did.) It just seems to me that this is a bold attempt to make a movie specifically geared towards furries. And dare I say it, the celebrity crush. You somehow seemed to have made Krystal's personality thinner than the games. If you didn't add "Loosely based on Starfox," then I would've called PLAGERISM.

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

This came a bit late, but no double posting. Please remember to MultiQuote. mmmkaay :trollface:

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A reader would have tossed this off after three pages. Your exposition is too long, you have no proper sluglines or character introductions and action description shouldn't last longer than four lines, not half a page. From what I've read, this is an original sci-fi script that you've haphazardly tacked Star Fox names onto. Seriously? You only kept Corneria?

When I'm done the other script projects currently on my table I might go in and edit this in further detail.

Edit: The fact that you refer to Wolf as the "token gay furry". You basically just admitted to making him gay for the sake of him being gay, not something that comes from his character. No. If there is no reason for a character to be something, don't bother. You're not helping media portrayal of GLBT by having a gay character because you feel you need one. They have to be a character too. That's where I disagree with ZM, is that at least Kurt has dramatic plot potential and a personality outside of being gay. Do what the character feels like to you, don't force "tokens" into your script.

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Okay. I read it now, and I'm ready to give detailed feedback.

Note: I am an experienced screenwriter. I have several projects currently in production. I know what I'm talking about, and while I'm not trying to personally attack you, you really need to listen to what I'm going to say because to be honest, this needs an awful lot of work. If I sound too harsh don't take it to heart, but you have to have thick skin if you ever want to get into this industry.

First thing's first...you need to learn how to write in screen format. Your sluglines are consistently wrong, you change tense every other paragraph (write in ACTIVE PRESENT-TENSE), your use of parantheticals is all over the place, you don't introduce ANY characters properly and your descriptions and dialogue are, sorry to say, painful. Let's start on a few things.

INT. HOUSE - DAY

^ That is a proper slugline, logline, scene header, etc. Only use day and night for time. Do NOT describe weather conditions anywhere other than action description. If you're going to break up location according to planet, keep consistent where the planet is ( EXT. SETH - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT ). Also, new slugline for every new scene, please. There was one part in the beginning where you say "he walks two blocks, gets in a taxi and goes to the spaceport where he gets on the ship". Um, no. If you're going to show that, you have to put a new slugline and description for EVERY SINGLE new scene: next few blocks, taxi, spaceport and ship included.

Action description does not go in parentheses, ever. The only time you use them is during dialogue, either right after your character heading (if you are going to describe tone, ie. "angrily") or midway through, on another line, for a beat or action. Example:

FOX

(annoyed)

Falco, I can't believe you did that.

(beat)

Does our safety mean nothing to you?

Beat, by the way, means a pause...not actually beating on anything.

Action descriptions. I already mentioned the tense thing, but I need to cover more. LEARN HOW TO USE THE ENTER BUTTON. I make a rule of it never to exceed four lines per paragraph, and don't make anything wordier or more descriptive than you need to. NO ONE will read through such a rediculous amount of unwarrented description.

Character introductions. Please use them. Characters kept coming out of goddamn nowhere and that is confusing as hell. Here is how you introduce a character:

FOX MCCLOUD, 22, a red fox, lies on the couch, ruffled and clearly hungover. On the nearby floor, his best friend FALCO LOMBARDI, 24, a hot-headed avian stirrs and GROANS loudly.

Do this for EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER with a speaking role. If it's GRUNT #2 then you don't need to describe their character traits or age or what have you, but you need to introduce them in the action description and capitalize their name. This is both for the reader, the producers, the directors, the casting director, and the cast themselves. As it stands, you will have confused everyone, because when it comes to casting things are not always looked at in linear form.

As well, introduce them the moment you see them. When you introduce Krystal on the cover of the magazine, don't leave it ambiguous. Just say it's her.

Smaller note, but it isn't necessary to include your characters' surnames in their dialogue headers. Just saying FOX instead of FOX MCCLOUD every time he speaks is just fine.

Now, a big one. Never start a scene with dialogue. Always have some kind of brief establishing line for your scene. We need to know what we're looking at, it can't be just some guy talking in our face.

Do not use camera angles in your script. That's the best way to piss off a director and there is no guarentee you will ever direct your own scripts. You can trick a reader into imagining a certain camera angle by the way you utilize the action description, but don't explicitly say things like CAMERA ON or WIDE ANGLE. You might have seen these things in scripts you've read (and if you haven't read any scripts, you damn well better start), but these are usually the shooting drafts and have already been revised by the director OR it was written entirely by the director. But as I said, there is no guarentee you will be in that position, and those who are writer/directors have established themselves beforehand. By that I mean Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, Christopher Nolan, etc. Do not assume you are anything like any of them and they can only get away with cheating the rules because they've seen enough success that producers can trust them to do whatever the hell they want.

Now. Seeing that my formatting beef is out of the way, time to get into the actual plot part of your script.

Did you write a beatsheet? An outline? Did you have anything in your mind when you wrote this, or just do it as you went? Because honestly, it read like a play, and a boring one at that. 90% of the script was people standing around talking. My biggest problem here comes entirely from your dialogue and grotesque use of exposition. Here's something you ought to know:

One page of script generally equates to one minute of screentime.

You frequently have people talking almost entirely nonstop for ONE MINUTE. That is INCREDIBLY boring and I was zoning out just reading it. It wasn't even good dialogue; it was nothing but expositing what was going on. I felt like the damn television was your main character because it seemed to have more dialogue than anyone else for the first thirty pages, and all it did was sit there and tell us what was going on, instead of actually show us. You could easily cut the first thirty pages of this script and it would be far more interesting. All there was, was random political jargon that quite honestly I couldn't care less about. What it took you half an hour to exposit could easily be summed up in a thirty second text scrawl ala Star Wars (not that I suggest you shamelessly rip it off). I was not interested in sitting there watching some random dudes talk about an election for something I knew nothing and did not care about. I was not immersed; I just felt like I was watching random stuff happen.

Your characters talked about what was happening instead of actually showing us what was going on. You don't have someone say "oh no, look, those guys are shooting us!" in a screenplay. You write into the action description that THOSE GUYS SHOT THEM. The audience isn't as stupid as you seem to think they are and they WILL generally be able to understand the concept of things happening without narration.

There are two major time skips right off the bat, and though this script isn't even feature-length, I felt like I'd been reading for six months. Start right in the action, do not bother with the prequel-esque exposition.

Have you ever heard of the three-act structure? It's quite important to be aware of it when working with screen format, and though the writing process is not strictly technical, you should keep it in the back of your mind how these things happen. Even the best of film out there generally adhere to these rules and MOST (a good 85% or so) of scripts out there stick to this. With an action science fiction, I suggest it probably your best route. This is how it goes.

Inciting Incident: first action or decision to occur or be performed by your protagonist that sets the plot in motion. Directly involve your protagonist.

First Act Turning Point: the crossing of your protagonist into the "new world" where the bulk of the story takes place. Point of no return in some regards.

Mid-Point: the central point in your script where a major event or decision changes the course of the plot, character arc and probably tone.

Second Act Turning Point: generally coincides with the "all is lost"; the point where everything goes wrong, the stakes are at their highest.

If you don't know what a climax and resolution are then you need to be smited over the head with a textbook. The structure is a bit more complex than that but I get the impression I'd confuse you if I were to get further into detail at this point.

I have no idea where any of these are in your script. There is no inciting incident, there are no turning points, it's just a mess of stuff happening.

Your main character does not do anything until the second act of the script. I wasn't even sure who your main character WAS for most of the script. Seriously, page 30-something is where we see Fox and Falco actually do anything, and that's half an hour into the goddamn film. It's boring, and we have no idea why we care about these characters or what they do because we've been so busy listening to random politicians prattle on about stuff less suited for a space saga and more for CNN that we've had no time to set up why we should give a damn.

Most importantly, why was this a Star Fox script? Yes, you had Fox, and Andross, and Arwings, and Corneria. But they weren't themselves. There was more focus on your original characters (who I don't and most fans generally would not care about...see Transformers 2 for the best worst example). Making everything Egyptian was just weird and totally tore me out of the Star Fox mythos. "Furries in space" is not enough to make this part of the Star Fox franchise; if you went through and changed the name of every Star Fox character for something else, I would not have even guessed that this is what you based it off of. It has so little to do with the Star Fox that we, the fans, know and love that there is pretty much absolutely no reason for you to try to pass it off as such. It's Star Fox in name only, and you're better off either adding all the planets and characterizations we know and love or just stop pretending that what you've written has anything to do with Star Fox.

And don't say it's "loosely" based off Star Fox. Either it's based on it or isn't. The only instance where I accept the "loosely" prefix is with something that's public domain, and a story that people are generally familiar with. Example: The Lion King is "loosely" based on Hamlet. It has a very similar plot, but you can clearly see the liberties they've taken. There is a vast difference between "loosely", which means "this story has lots of elements lifted from a story that you may be familiar with (that is usually old and public domain to avoid obvious legal issues)", and what you've done, which is "write my own script about furries in space and call it Star Fox because I feel like it".

This script would not get made, Star Fox or no. Producers and those that work for them have absolutely no time to slog through fifty pages of continuous, blathering dialogue in attempts to find a plot. There's so much more that needs work here, but you need to start with the basics: essentially, knowing both how a story works, and how to properly transcribe it in screen format. Try to find the script to Star Wars: A New Hope, or even Alien. Both are good examples of how to write science fiction scripts, and screenplays in general (make sure they're actual SCRIPTS and not fan-written transcriptions). That's all I really have time or energy to cover right now, but I hope this helps you in your screenwriting endeavors.

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Okay. I read it now, and I'm ready to give detailed feedback.

Note: I am an experienced screenwriter. I have several projects currently in production. I know what I'm talking about, and while I'm not trying to personally attack you, you really need to listen to what I'm going to say because to be honest, this needs an awful lot of work. If I sound too harsh don't take it to heart, but you have to have thick skin if you ever want to get into this industry.

First thing's first...you need to learn how to write in screen format. Your sluglines are consistently wrong, you change tense every other paragraph (write in ACTIVE PRESENT-TENSE), your use of parantheticals is all over the place, you don't introduce ANY characters properly and your descriptions and dialogue are, sorry to say, painful. Let's start on a few things.

^ That is a proper slugline, logline, scene header, etc. Only use day and night for time. Do NOT describe weather conditions anywhere other than action description. If you're going to break up location according to planet, keep consistent where the planet is ( EXT. SETH - GOVERNOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT ). Also, new slugline for every new scene, please. There was one part in the beginning where you say "he walks two blocks, gets in a taxi and goes to the spaceport where he gets on the ship". Um, no. If you're going to show that, you have to put a new slugline and description for EVERY SINGLE new scene: next few blocks, taxi, spaceport and ship included.

Action description does not go in parentheses, ever. The only time you use them is during dialogue, either right after your character heading (if you are going to describe tone, ie. "angrily") or midway through, on another line, for a beat or action. Example:

Beat, by the way, means a pause...not actually beating on anything.

Action descriptions. I already mentioned the tense thing, but I need to cover more. LEARN HOW TO USE THE ENTER BUTTON. I make a rule of it never to exceed four lines per paragraph, and don't make anything wordier or more descriptive than you need to. NO ONE will read through such a rediculous amount of unwarrented description.

Character introductions. Please use them. Characters kept coming out of goddamn nowhere and that is confusing as hell. Here is how you introduce a character:

Do this for EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER with a speaking role. If it's GRUNT #2 then you don't need to describe their character traits or age or what have you, but you need to introduce them in the action description and capitalize their name. This is both for the reader, the producers, the directors, the casting director, and the cast themselves. As it stands, you will have confused everyone, because when it comes to casting things are not always looked at in linear form.

As well, introduce them the moment you see them. When you introduce Krystal on the cover of the magazine, don't leave it ambiguous. Just say it's her.

Smaller note, but it isn't necessary to include your characters' surnames in their dialogue headers. Just saying FOX instead of FOX MCCLOUD every time he speaks is just fine.

Now, a big one. Never start a scene with dialogue. Always have some kind of brief establishing line for your scene. We need to know what we're looking at, it can't be just some guy talking in our face.

Do not use camera angles in your script. That's the best way to piss off a director and there is no guarentee you will ever direct your own scripts. You can trick a reader into imagining a certain camera angle by the way you utilize the action description, but don't explicitly say things like CAMERA ON or WIDE ANGLE. You might have seen these things in scripts you've read (and if you haven't read any scripts, you damn well better start), but these are usually the shooting drafts and have already been revised by the director OR it was written entirely by the director. But as I said, there is no guarentee you will be in that position, and those who are writer/directors have established themselves beforehand. By that I mean Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, Christopher Nolan, etc. Do not assume you are anything like any of them and they can only get away with cheating the rules because they've seen enough success that producers can trust them to do whatever the hell they want.

Now. Seeing that my formatting beef is out of the way, time to get into the actual plot part of your script.

Did you write a beatsheet? An outline? Did you have anything in your mind when you wrote this, or just do it as you went? Because honestly, it read like a play, and a boring one at that. 90% of the script was people standing around talking. My biggest problem here comes entirely from your dialogue and grotesque use of exposition. Here's something you ought to know:

One page of script generally equates to one minute of screentime.

You frequently have people talking almost entirely nonstop for ONE MINUTE. That is INCREDIBLY boring and I was zoning out just reading it. It wasn't even good dialogue; it was nothing but expositing what was going on. I felt like the damn television was your main character because it seemed to have more dialogue than anyone else for the first thirty pages, and all it did was sit there and tell us what was going on, instead of actually show us. You could easily cut the first thirty pages of this script and it would be far more interesting. All there was, was random political jargon that quite honestly I couldn't care less about. What it took you half an hour to exposit could easily be summed up in a thirty second text scrawl ala Star Wars (not that I suggest you shamelessly rip it off). I was not interested in sitting there watching some random dudes talk about an election for something I knew nothing and did not care about. I was not immersed; I just felt like I was watching random stuff happen.

Your characters talked about what was happening instead of actually showing us what was going on. You don't have someone say "oh no, look, those guys are shooting us!" in a screenplay. You write into the action description that THOSE GUYS SHOT THEM. The audience isn't as stupid as you seem to think they are and they WILL generally be able to understand the concept of things happening without narration.

There are two major time skips right off the bat, and though this script isn't even feature-length, I felt like I'd been reading for six months. Start right in the action, do not bother with the prequel-esque exposition.

Have you ever heard of the three-act structure? It's quite important to be aware of it when working with screen format, and though the writing process is not strictly technical, you should keep it in the back of your mind how these things happen. Even the best of film out there generally adhere to these rules and MOST (a good 85% or so) of scripts out there stick to this. With an action science fiction, I suggest it probably your best route. This is how it goes.

Inciting Incident: first action or decision to occur or be performed by your protagonist that sets the plot in motion. Directly involve your protagonist.

First Act Turning Point: the crossing of your protagonist into the "new world" where the bulk of the story takes place. Point of no return in some regards.

Mid-Point: the central point in your script where a major event or decision changes the course of the plot, character arc and probably tone.

Second Act Turning Point: generally coincides with the "all is lost"; the point where everything goes wrong, the stakes are at their highest.

If you don't know what a climax and resolution are then you need to be smited over the head with a textbook. The structure is a bit more complex than that but I get the impression I'd confuse you if I were to get further into detail at this point.

I have no idea where any of these are in your script. There is no inciting incident, there are no turning points, it's just a mess of stuff happening.

Your main character does not do anything until the second act of the script. I wasn't even sure who your main character WAS for most of the script. Seriously, page 30-something is where we see Fox and Falco actually do anything, and that's half an hour into the goddamn film. It's boring, and we have no idea why we care about these characters or what they do because we've been so busy listening to random politicians prattle on about stuff less suited for a space saga and more for CNN that we've had no time to set up why we should give a damn.

Most importantly, why was this a Star Fox script? Yes, you had Fox, and Andross, and Arwings, and Corneria. But they weren't themselves. There was more focus on your original characters (who I don't and most fans generally would not care about...see Transformers 2 for the best worst example). Making everything Egyptian was just weird and totally tore me out of the Star Fox mythos. "Furries in space" is not enough to make this part of the Star Fox franchise; if you went through and changed the name of every Star Fox character for something else, I would not have even guessed that this is what you based it off of. It has so little to do with the Star Fox that we, the fans, know and love that there is pretty much absolutely no reason for you to try to pass it off as such. It's Star Fox in name only, and you're better off either adding all the planets and characterizations we know and love or just stop pretending that what you've written has anything to do with Star Fox.

And don't say it's "loosely" based off Star Fox. Either it's based on it or isn't. The only instance where I accept the "loosely" prefix is with something that's public domain, and a story that people are generally familiar with. Example: The Lion King is "loosely" based on Hamlet. It has a very similar plot, but you can clearly see the liberties they've taken. There is a vast difference between "loosely", which means "this story has lots of elements lifted from a story that you may be familiar with (that is usually old and public domain to avoid obvious legal issues)", and what you've done, which is "write my own script about furries in space and call it Star Fox because I feel like it".

This script would not get made, Star Fox or no. Producers and those that work for them have absolutely no time to slog through fifty pages of continuous, blathering dialogue in attempts to find a plot. There's so much more that needs work here, but you need to start with the basics: essentially, knowing both how a story works, and how to properly transcribe it in screen format. Try to find the script to Star Wars: A New Hope, or even Alien. Both are good examples of how to write science fiction scripts, and screenplays in general (make sure they're actual SCRIPTS and not fan-written transcriptions). That's all I really have time or energy to cover right now, but I hope this helps you in your screenwriting endeavors.

First off I want to thank you for giving my constructive advice, and not merely flaming me. I will be honest, I am sort of lost when it comes to script format. I've read the scripts to 2001, The Road Warrior, and Inglorious Bastards but it's the same problem I have with poetry. I know there is structure there I just can't find it. Really this is exactly what I was looking for when I posted this up here. I know it's Star Fox in name only. I did that on purpose. I wanted to "Battlestar Galactica" Star Fox and see how much of a change I could make to the origional and how dark it could get. Yes, I do have a plot, and know where it is going. I've had this idea pre-conceived for about a year. The problem is I bit off more than I could chew. It's such a big world that I don't know where to start or how to explain things efficiently (This is only a 3rd of the script. I call this Act I XD) I don't know how to format, I don't know how to properly introduce a character, and I don't know how to vary dialogue to character. I need help with this desperately.

Do you have an Instant Messenger or an Email we can converse through? I'd very much appreciate the help. I'd love to hear about your productions as well!

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Oh wow haha thanks for taking the critique so well, it's not every day someone can take a hit like that and be thankful for it. That's the first good step in learning the craft.

70-some pages for Act I? Yikes. The typical screenplay is about 120 pages in total. But we can work on this!

Hit me up on MSN at knightofthejackalopes@hotmail.com and I'll be glad to help you along.

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Sure, that was mainly because you, Dras, were helpful.

Instead of just telling him what's not interesting or flat out bad in the script, you gave him some actual advice.

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