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When life gets confusing!


Thu'um

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Alright everyone listen up, my abscense has been a long one. For most of you its probably been a sigh of relief. Good.I like it that way. But I have returned. 

 

In the month or two since my last post i've developed quite a bad taste in my mouth when thinking of most of you. Thats never happened to me before, even disagreements never lead me to actually become uupset at the thought of an SFO'er. Natrualy the first result was my ceasing prescence, Which you may have noticed or not noticed but are now noticing thinking of the months prior. I needed a new out lit so I took to journaling in an actual journal. somthing beautiful about pen and paper. Anyhow most of you have been brutaly berated in my mind's eye as childish beyond normality, likely to draw laughter since i was silly in the chat box, and also terribly and unfortunatly uneducated. The rest of you are bland. Some of you; however, don't fit that catagory. Those who don't will no doubt be upset at me for offending the site's population, but i have good reason. Anyway i am off to go enjoy the bounty of the world. I'll be back again some day, maybe ready to spend time here again. But intill then farewell.

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Rather than attempt to decipher all those personal pronouns:

 

Welcome back and..goodbye. Last time I checked an active account is welcome here, so bring me back something pretty next time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

SFO....Its been a long time. It feels like forever. Beyond the perimeters of actual time, I've been here for about as long as I've actually considered myself a person with wants and thoughts beyond food and rest. That's both a tremendous compliment to the community here and the people who run the forum.

 

But its not with out it's vices. Its not uncommon for us to do stupid things in our youth that shape our adult lives. SFO I came to you as a young boy who felt thing most young boys don't. Language is a tool of power, with ability to create anything that we feel or imagine, but when wielded by some one not old enough to understand what they think it can just as easily pervert what they mean. That  was what so troubled my first year here. But it left a print on me. A small smug of spite for those who had misinterpreted what I had said, and berated me for what I hadn't meant. It also gave a reputation unfamiliar to my real life counter part. A goofy youthful reputation, but as I matured I began to spite that too. When was a reputation quickly became a model for my character on and actions on SFO. I acted childish because I was seen as such. It was like a shadow that I loathed but found myself unable to escape from. Today I look at myself and the disillusionment sets in, part of its is because the world doesn't work the way a child thinks it does. The other part is that I am not the man I want to be, not the man I can be. I feel this is the reason I so closely identified with the novel Les Mis. Jean Valjean is a criminal who is released and fully determined to get his life on track and become a god loving Christian man, but he finds it hard to act as such while people see him as some thug criminal. Leading to his breakdown later on the line after he takes a new identity.

 

Despite the enormity of his circumstance versus mine I have decided they are similar. Everyday I return to SFO I become something you all expect me to be, something I hate. So to break the template I've decided my remedy is to split. To go out and become the man I want to be, not the one I feel I have to be. I'll come back to SFO one day. But I'll be a better person everyone. I promise.

 

I want to say farewell to those I knew well. Its a shame, because this is one these posts that emotional for the writer, but senseless for the readers....I don't know how I want to end this. But maybe I won't have to end it. We'll see each other again SFO.

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Good luck on your travels, AJC. It was always interesting to read what you posted over the years, this most recent post included. I hope that you find solace in a clean slate.

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