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Star Fox - Marauder II


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It seems that no matter how I end my books, I have to continue them. Bah - no matter, I enjoy writing anyway. Enjoy the next installment of the Star Fox: Marauder series...

Star Fox:

Marauder II

Wrath of the Dragon Wraith


With the initial preparations out of the way, Star Fox celebrated it’s latest victory. During the celebration, Kyle wandered away from the group to stare into the Saurian moonlit sky. Krystal noticed, and walked over to him.

“Baby, is everything alright?†she asked.

“I’m fine, sweetheart,†Kyle responded. “Just thinking past all this.â€

“What do you mean?†Krystal inquired.

Kyle sighed. “This isn’t the end, you know – our adventures don’t end here,†Kyle explained. “There will be other threats like Tondam – others who will want to destroy us.â€

“Then we will face them as we always have,†Krystal said softly. “I’d rather face them with you than without you.â€

“I know,†Kyle murmured. “As long as I have you, I will never--â€

Krystal grabbed Kyle’s muzzle and silenced him. With a smile, she asked, “Anyone ever tell you you talk too much?â€

Kyle chuckled, leaning over and meeting Krystal’s lips with his own. They kissed, the Dragon-shifter husband and the Cerinian wife, as the Star Fox Team rejoiced...

… That was three years ago. Kyle’s powers, after marrying Krystal, calming his rage and coming to terms with his troubled past, have expanded. The bond between them was strong – when one of them grew in power, so did the other. Like Fox and Fara, they loved each other with a passion few could understand.

The dark lord known as Makron was executed months ago, much to the relief of Kyle. With no new threat presenting itself, Star Fox went on shore leave to Corneria. In an odd twist of fate, Kyle and Fox both received two lightsabers in the mail, sender unknown, leaving only a note that read, “To Fox and Kyle: These belonged to my collection before my life was stolen – it seems fitting that, since you two are my only others, they be given to you.†On the back of the note was a series of spatial coordinates.

Though confused at the message, Kyle and Fox went on with the vacation with their wives and comrades. Little did they realize, dark forces gather on the horizon. Old hatreds still linger, old mysteries remain unsolved, and a new enemy will rise against the galaxy to carry on the ancient battle of good and evil...

Chapter One

After a long day, Krystal and Kyle were ready to call it in. After countless roller coaster rides at the local carnival, numerous pictures taken in a booth, a good lunch and a series of snacks, and after all that, a lovely dinner followed by a rather memorable time under a tree watching the Cornerian sunset, the couple were ready to call it a day. Kyle flipped through the holovision channels, while Krystal got into a night gown. Even as Kyle did so, his face told something else. He felt something. While Krystal had powers of her own that could be considered Force-sensitive, it was, in her humble opinion and contrary to what her husband thought, nothing close to Kyle’s command of his own beyond-borderline Force-sensitive powers. Perhaps they weren’t Jedi, but she was sure that they would be considered as such, with the way their powers grew by the day.

Strange enough that Kyle and Fox had received lightsabers in the mail, with the sender unknown and leaving a single cryptic message and a series of spatial coordinates, and now, it seemed stranger that, even in the middle of the vacation, Kyle was looking a bit... disturbed.

Deciding to confront him about it, Krystal sat down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and asking,

“Baby, are you alright?â€

Kyle sighed. He tried to smile, but couldn’t hide his anxiety. “I’m not sure,†he responded. “I just... feel odd. Strange.â€

“You mean suspicious and paranoid?†Krystal corrected her husband with a smile.

Kyle smiled and chuckled. “You know me too well,†he said. Krystal kissed him, then replied,

“Better to know you too well than not well enough.†With a sigh, she asked, “What’s bothering you?â€

Kyle looked down at the floor, then back at Krystal. “Someone sent those lightsabers,†Kyle explained, “And I want to know who and why. They referred to Fox and I as though we were... related in some way I’ve yet to discover. Fox knew his parents – I was created in a genetic lab. We come from two different places in the Galaxy. He was born on Corneria, I was born on--â€

Krystal gently grabbed Kyle’s muzzle. “Baby, don’t let this get you down. We’ll get to the bottom of this, don’t worry; we came here to relax, so just relax – let the fear go.â€

Even with Krystal’s hand on his muzzle, Kyle smiled and chuckled. He had come a long way after he met Krystal – he had gone from a cynical predator to a passionate lover while still retaining his warrior prowess. He kissed Krystal, gently and passionately, as he did the first time when he and Krystal admitted their feelings for one another...

* * *

Fox and Fara, unlike Kyle and Krystal, were out and about enjoying the Cornerian night life. Carnival was in town, and Fox and Fara thought of no better place to be. But they didn’t go into the carnival alone – Falco and Katt, having started a fledgling relationship of their own, went in with them, and so did Wolf, surprisingly enough – though it became clear that Wolf was in it for the laser tag with Razuul and Panther. Fox imagined that Kyle would enjoy such a thing, but he wouldn’t stop him from enjoying a night with Krystal. It was good for their relationship. As much of a badass dragon-shifter Kyle was, Fox knew it was good for him to be alone with Krystal.

Clipped to Fox’s belt were the lightsabers sent to him in the mail. With Kyle on the team, Fox had adopted some of his philosophies and tendencies – among which to carry weapons everywhere. As Kyle would say, “It is better to have something and not need it than need it and not have it.â€

The sender of the lightsabers was unknown, but Fox had a strong feeling it was from someone Fox knew... an uncle or distant relative, perhaps? Fox didn’t know. But it seemed strange that the sender referred to Kyle and Fox as “his only others.†The only person Fox knew would say that would be James, but he was dead. Had been dead for years. Fox was his only son. So, if not James, then who? Who was under the impression that Kyle and Fox were related? Either they were drunk, retarded, or they saw something Fox wasn’t seeing.

Still, the Lightsabers were an invaluable tool – Fox adapted to the fighting style quickly. Kyle had a penchant for such weapons, and took to them like a fish to water. Then again, weapons, war, and everything relating to them was his specialty. So it came as no surprise that Kyle had developed several fighting styles for the Lightsabers. Typical. Though Fox was the head of Star Fox, he tried to learn as much from Kyle as he could. Even three years after he joined, Fox always felt there was more to learn.

But still, Fox felt strange after the lightsabers came in the mail. Like something had awakened inside him. He saw things differently. Felt things he normally couldn’t. He felt a strength that wasn’t there before. It struck him as something incredible... and frightening. But he didn’t let it interfere with his vacation. Shore leave was a time to relax – not ponder cryptic messages and decipher unknown motives.

With this in mind, Fox and Fara boarded a pod on a Ferris Wheel with Falco and Katt. Fox and Fara sat next to each other, while Katt and Falco sat together on the opposite end. The pod began to slowly ascend as Fara asked Falco and Katt, “So... what are you two planning on doing?â€

“We’re just doing things as we go along, really,†Katt answered. “Falcy here likes it that way, and who am I to deny him?â€

“Katt,†Falco sighed, “You have as much say in this relationship as I do.â€

“I know,†Katt said, leaning her head on Falco’s shoulder. “But... you could say that after being with you for so long, I have adapted to your style.â€

Falco threw his head back and laughed. “I’ve got no style,†he laughed, “You know that!â€

Katt laughed, jabbing her boyfriend in the arm with a straw she’d been chewing on.

A loud metallic groan caused Fox to jump, startled.

“Hey, Foxy – you okay?†Falco asked. Fox didn’t answer. In a flash of white, his eyes whisked to another place. He heard a loud crack! And then saw Katt fall through the floor of the pod they were in. In another flash, he saw he was back where he’d lapsed off – in the pod.

“Fox?†Fara asked, an expression of worry playing across her face. “Baby, are you alright?â€

A shiver ran up Fox’s spine. He felt something – fear, anxiety, an itch to act. Something was going on.

Then he remembered something – Kyle had had these chills before, right before danger struck. The colder the chill, the closer it is. Could Fox be sensing the same...?

Crack! The sound of plastic cracking filled the pod. Fox looked down at Katt’s feet and saw it; her seat was in severe disrepair, and was about to snap. Katt had only a moment to scream.

“KATT!!!†Falco exclaimed.

But something happened. Something Fox knew was impossible. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and Katt’s seat and the floor under it crumbled, falling off, and taking Katt with it. In an instant, an instinct in Fox’s mind surged forward, and Fox reached out, and...

… Katt’s fall halted as soon as it started. Her legs hung out from under the pod, and people gawked at what was happening. But the fact that Katt had stopped falling wasn’t what they were gawking at – Fox kept both arms outstretched, slightly bent with the palms of his hands facing up and fingers all pointing up, and Katt was surrounded by this shimmering, transparent blue-white aura. Falco and Fara simply stared in utter shock.

“Fox,†Falco said, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it! Katt, take my hand!â€

Katt reached for Falco, and with a little effort, Fox somehow guided Katt into Falco’s arms, at which point he snatched Katt out of the air and Fox instinctively released his hold on Katt. Katt sobbed on Falco’s shoulder, having come too close to death, and Fox simply stood there, staring at his own trembling hands.

“What... just happened?†Fara asked.

“Yeah,†Falco added, “I appreciate what you did there, but how did you know how to do that?â€

Fox looked at his comrades, and said the three words no one thought him capable of: “I... don’t know.â€

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I'm somewhat disappointed that I didn't discover this series earlier, but what I've read so far is quite enjoyable. Keep up the excellent work, Star_Dragon! ^_^


Also, the subtitle of "Marauder" shares the name with one excellent Mercury! :lol:


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lol glad ya like it.

Chapter two is just getting started, but it may be a while before it gets posted. Just keep an eye out here.

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Okay, ppl - here's a "sneak peek" at what is to come:

The intercom cut off as Kyle asked, “You ready for this?â€

“No,†Fox replied.

“Good,†Kyle stated, “Neither am I.†The two jumped into the JX70 and shut the hatch. The Advanced Assault Fighter powered up, lifted off the deck, and shot out of the hangar. The JX70 righted itself, heading to the structure that Slippy mentioned. As the ship descended through the atmosphere, the structure could be seen in the distance. It was squat, ominous and shaped like the letter A with a flat top. It was also imbedded in a rock face that shot up for nearly half a kilometer, surrounded by a fog-and-foliage canopy that prevented a direct landing.

“Wow,†Fox commented. “Real garden spot, huh?â€

“I can think of worse places,†Kyle replied. He brought the JX70 in for a landing, and touched down in a clearing just south of the structure. The two comrades exited the JX70, and started toward the structure. Vegetation, good and rotten, squished underneath their boots as they strode toward the structure with lightsabers in hand. Vines, new and old, tugged at their arms and legs, and it felt as though the planet itself wanted to keep Fox and Kyle out of the tomb-like structure in the distance.

“Tell me I’m not the only one getting a bad feeling about this,†Kyle whispered to Fox.

“Well, believe it or not,†Fox answered, “I feel it too. But we have to press on.â€

“Alright,†Kyle said, “But I know I’m gonna regret this.â€

The two-man team continued inside the structure, where it ended in a dead end with a lift in the center. With nowhere left to go, Kyle and Fox descended down the lift, and found themselves in a massive, circular room. Dimly-lit, but there was enough light to see the exit from the room. Fox and Kyle moved through the exit, and came out on the upper level of a square room, with a light bridge connecting one side of the upper level to the other. Directly below that was a trough-like depression that split the room in two. The room itself was two or three stories high, and made Kyle and Fox feel small.

The two comrades started to cross the bridge when a disembodied voice called out to them, “So... you two found each other.†Fox knew this voice well.

It was James.

“Father?†Fox asked.

“Yes... It is I,†James affirmed. “And I see you have found the elusive Kyle.â€

“Elusive--?†Kyle asked. “Who the hell are you? And how do you know who I am?â€

“Follow my voice... to the heart of my tomb... we have much to discuss...†James’ voice said.

(Chapter two will be done soon!)

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Okay, ppl, chapter two!

Chapter Two

To say that Fox was shocked at what he did on the Ferris Wheel would be an understatement. Fox was completely taken aback. He had never done anything like that. Something was amiss, he could feel it. Such power like what Fox had displayed could only be used like he used them with years of practice. He had done by instinct what takes years for others to even discover, let alone master. Now that this power had begun to manifest itself, could Fox safely ignore it? The team was in agreement – seek Kyle’s council.

But Kyle was just as stumped as Fox.

“Isn’t there anything you can do?†Fox asked.

“Unfortunately, no,†Kyle admitted. “Power such as what you used comes only from bloodlines – and I know nothing of mine nor yours.â€

Fox nodded thoughtfully. “Do you think... this has something to do with the note we got with the Lightsabers?â€

“You imply that whoever wrote the note spoke the truth – that we are, in some way, related,†Kyle surmised.

“Could it be possible?†Fox asked.

“I would normally think not,†Kyle stated, “But given the events that transpired, I am beginning to think that perhaps it is possible, though I can’t imagine how.â€

“Is there some way we could confirm this?†Fox inquired.

“None that I can think of at this moment,†Kyle confessed, “but I’d be willing to bet that we can find at least some answers at the spatial coordinates that were on the back of that note.â€

“Can the computer on your JX70 analyze it?†Fox queried.

“Let’s find out,†Kyle replied. He and Fox headed to the Great Fox, to the starboard hangar bay where Kyle’s JX70 was kept. Kyle inputted the coordinates on the note, and it gave them...

… an area of space with nothing in it. Strange.

“Why give us coordinates to the middle of nowhere?†Fox grumbled. “It doesn’t make sense.â€

“It’s not supposed to,†Kyle remarked. “That particular area is uncharted. Intentionally.â€

“What do you mean?†Fox asked.

“Take a look at this,†Kyle answered, zooming the view out. “The area around the target coordinates was deemed a class-five hazard zone. There’s a way through it, but it’s dangerous. Small enough to fit just this JX70, but that’s it – if we go there, we would go there alone.â€

“Meaning if there is anything at those coordinates, and it tries to take a swipe at us, we’re screwed without support,†Fox surmised. “Then why deem the surrounding area a class-five hazard zone? Why not the whole sector?â€

“That area of space lies not even three light-years from Venom,†Kyle explained. “My guess is that there’s something inside that area that neither the Venomian Empire nor the Cornerian Federation wants known. After all, half of writing history is hiding the truth.â€

“Can’t imagine what General Pepper would try to hide there,†Fox commented. “But I suppose that – given what transpired today – it’s worth taking a look.â€

“Yeah,†Kyle agreed. “But I would recommend keeping the Great Fox nearby in case we need a bit of extra firepower.â€

“Right,†Fox said. “Falco, as soon as everyone is on board, set a course for the following coordinates, engage at your discretion.â€

Fox sent Falco a set of coordinates that lay just outside the hazard zone. Soon enough, everyone had boarded, and the Sangheili Gunship Great Fox II retracted it’s gravity lift, ascended through the atmosphere of Corneria, and went into slipspace.

“I really hope you know what you’re doing, Kyle,†Fox commented.

“So do I,†Kyle admitted. “I have a wife to look after.â€

“We both do,†Fox corrected.

* * *

The Great Fox dropped out of slipspace at the designated coordinates – but something was wrong. The area beyond looked nothing like the severe conditions of a class-five hazard zone. In fact, the area that Kyle and Fox were trying to reach had an M-class planet, and a clear path to it more than large enough for the Great Fox.

So why, then, was the planet not in the astrogation charts and the surrounding area deemed a class-five hazard zone? Nothing made sense. The Great Fox settled into orbit above the planet, and Kyle and Fox geared up for whatever was down there. Though they doubted anything serious was down there, they had their lightsabers on-hand, plus armor in case they needed it.

“What’s the environment looking like down there, Slippy?†Fox asked over the intercom.

“O2 levels check... pressure... everything looks normal. If there’s anything wrong, the scanner’s not reading it,†Slippy said from the bridge.

“But something’s going on down there,†Panther added. “I’ve no idea what – it barely registers on the sensors. I’m not picking up any life down there – but watch your backs. Something is alive down planetside.â€

“We’ll stay in contact,†Fox said.

“Well, there’s a structure that might be a good place to start looking for clues regarding Fox’s... ‘incident,’†Slippy said, “But I can’t promise the signal will hold if you get too deep, though.â€

“I don’t need to tell either of you to watch yourselves out there,†Fara warned.

Fox smiled. “Hardly,†he affirmed.

The intercom cut off as Kyle asked, “You ready for this?â€

“No,†Fox replied.

“Good,†Kyle stated, “Neither am I.†The two jumped into the JX70 and shut the hatch. The Advanced Assault Fighter powered up, lifted off the deck, and shot out of the hangar. The JX70 righted itself, heading to the structure that Slippy mentioned. As the ship descended through the atmosphere, the structure could be seen in the distance. It was squat, ominous and shaped like the letter A with a flat top. It was also imbedded in a rock face that shot up for nearly half a kilometer, surrounded by a fog-and-foliage canopy that prevented a direct landing.

“Wow,†Fox commented. “Real garden spot, huh?â€

“I can think of worse places,†Kyle replied. He brought the JX70 in for a landing, and touched down in a clearing just south of the structure. The two comrades exited the JX70, and started toward the structure. Vegetation, good and rotten, squished underneath their boots as they strode toward the structure with lightsabers in hand. Vines, new and old, tugged at their arms and legs, and it felt as though the planet itself wanted to keep Fox and Kyle out of the tomb-like structure in the distance.

“Tell me I’m not the only one getting a bad feeling about this,†Kyle whispered to Fox.

“Well, believe it or not,†Fox answered, “I feel it too. But we have to press on.â€

“Alright,†Kyle said, “But I know I’m gonna regret this.â€

The two-man team continued inside the structure, where it ended in a dead end with a lift in the center. With nowhere left to go, Kyle and Fox descended down the lift, and found themselves in a massive, circular room. Dimly-lit, but there was enough light to see the exit from the room. Fox and Kyle moved through the exit, and came out on the upper level of a square room, with a light bridge connecting one side of the upper level to the other. Directly below that was a trough-like depression that split the room in two. The room itself was two or three stories high, and made Kyle and Fox feel small.

The two comrades started to cross the bridge when a disembodied voice called out to them, “So... you two found each other.†Fox knew this voice well.

It was James.

“Father?†Fox asked.

“Yes... It is I,†James affirmed. “And I see you have found the elusive Kyle.â€

“Elusive--?†Kyle asked. “Who the hell are you? And how do you know who I am?â€

“Follow my voice... to the heart of my tomb... we have much to discuss...†James’ voice said.

Though Kyle was confounded, Fox walked as though he were in a trance. He guided an increasingly worried and suspicious Kyle through a series of eerily-silent halls, empty rooms and finally, to a burial chamber.

“It has been so long since I saw you in person, my son,†James said. “And it is good to see that you finally got what I had left for you.â€

Kyle frowned. “You sent them?†he asked incredulously. “I find that hard to believe.â€

“I know you would,†James stated. There was a shimmer, and a blue spirit of James could be seen approaching Kyle. “You never knew me. Never knew your mother.â€

“I was created in a genetic lab,†Kyle said. “I have no mother or father.â€

“Raised in a genetic lab,†James corrected. “Your mother was a fine woman, but she died after you were born, and you were stolen from me shortly afterward.â€

“Hold on a second,†Fox said. “Are you saying that--â€

“I am,†James interrupted. “Fox... my son... Kyle is your brother.â€

Kyle and Fox cast shocked looks to one another. They were brothers...?

“I know it is not an easy thing to accept,†James said, now approaching Fox. “Kyle was stolen from me shortly before I met your mother, Fox.â€

“So... the man I have though of as my superior officer... is really... my brother?†Kyle said, taken aback by this. “And you... are my father?!â€

“It is not an easy thing to explain,†James said, trying to calm Kyle. “And I am sorry for never being around for you. Had I known you were alive, I would have--â€

“James,†Kyle interrupted, “That’s not what I’m getting at; I am a dragon-shifter. If I was raised in a genetic lab, and I got my power from you or someone in your family, then...†he looked to Fox.

Fox frowned, then got the implication. “The incident at the carnival,†Fox surmised. “Would that mean...?â€

“It may come as a surprise to you, son,†James explained, “That after you took Kyle onto your team, your own powers had begun to awaken.â€

“The blood of the dragon is always hot in the presence of another of the same bloodline,†Kyle said. “When you took me in, you awakened your own dragon-shifter powers.â€

“But... that was three years ago,†Fox countered. “Why now?â€

“Because you have lived without each other for so long,†James explained. “It took time for the unconscious minds of your respective powers to become aware of each other. Like water boiling on a stove, it takes time to reach the boiling point.â€

“Then this means that...†Fox continued, the revelation dawning, “... that I, too, am a... a dragon-shifter.â€

“I wish there was an easy way to say it, my sons,†James said. “But know that I am extremely proud of both of you. You have done many great things, even as I watched from above. But before you go, I must pass a warning: tread carefully. In my slumber, I have seen many visions of the future. Dark forces gather on the horizon – you two are all that stands in their way.â€

Before either of them could ask who or what James spoke of, he disappeared. This news shook both Kyle and Fox. It changed everything. It also explained a lot. Fox’s skills, his cool demeanor under pressure, his level-headed methods under fire – and now, how he relates to Kyle, how they seem to know so much, how they adapt so fast... this was a serious game-changer.

As Kyle and Fox exited James’ tomb, Fara’s voice came over the channel. “About time you two got out. Your signal disappeared after you disappeared inside the structure,†she said.

“Kyle, did you and Fox find out anything?†Krystal asked.

Kyle was silent. Fox had to speak for him. “It’s a long story, Krystal. Just gather everyone onto the bridge – Kyle and I need to tell you all something.â€

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I'm sorry but this is terrible.

I say that, I should note, about both this story and the preceding one. Either way this is spectacularly bad. I'm actually not sure if I should encourage you to stop, because the last story was terrible and this one looks like it'll be even worse, or encourage you to continue so that I can continue to find great mirth in the gleaming gems of unvarnished insanity you've sprinkled about this otherwise lugubrious and painful deluge of words. It's not every day I can have my verisimilitude broken in quite the same manner as done by setting your romantic waltz between two star-cross'd lovers to the goddamned "Hymn to Red October."

Seriously. What is with you and that song, man? If you ever get married, please invite me, because I want to attend a wedding where all the music is just ominous Latin and/or Russian chanting. I will be there. I will even bring my sword. It glows blue when evil's afoot, you know. Orcs and divorce attorneys and things. It will be a light for when all other lights go out.

So, since "Marauder" and this story are so tightly connected and I don't feel like doing this twice, I'll just toss all that commentary in here. I'm not really sure where to begin, to be honest. There is so much bad here and so little good that I can't really think of how to organize it all.

Programming note: standard disclaimer applies, above and below (but mostly below). I'm not criticizing you, I'm criticizing your story. I don't particularly care if you don't want to hear it. If you didn't want any criticism, you shouldn't have made it publicly visible. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited, many will enter, few will win, see back for official rules.


I could weave some long and lyrical essay about how the many faults of the "Marauder" saga all kind of weave together into one towering obelisk of absurdity, but that would take more effort than I'm willing to expend on a cold rainy Monday evening. So let's do this the Wittgenstein way and use some decimal notation (but without the impenetrably fragmented argument that drives you to the brink of madness because that would be just mean).

1) So first, there's the characters.

1.1) Let's start off with Mr. Anderson. Ah, Mr. Anderson. You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. We had to start with you, really. For better or for worse--mostly worse, actually--you are the core of this story. And what a rotten, miserable core you are. Because, you see, Kyle is a Gary Stu. Like, he is a textbook example of a Gary Stu. I mean, if I were in one of those dialogues with Socrates and he asked me to define it for him, such that I could give an account of that which is present in all instances of Gary Stu, I could basically show him Kyle Anderson and he would have to shut up, and I would forever be known as the Guy Who Shut Socrates Up. Because, really, Kyle is a Gary Stu of quite possibly the highest and most profound order.

I'll assume you know what a Gary Stu is, as the male permutation of a Mary Sue, so I'll skip that and just describe what's wrong with him. There are so many issues we have to get multidigitory here. Is that a word? It is now. By the power of my indomitable being I will add a word to the English language and Oxford will simply have to conform to reality as I have willed it.

1.1.1) Kyle's introduction to we, the readers, is absurd. The prologue focuses exclusively on how he was wronged by the universe but nobly and selflessly blames himself for it, and what a badass he is by slaughtering everyone who was responsible for the wrong that he in no way deserved. It's a textbook angsty past with which the audience is supposed to relate, but it's so overwrought and contrived that it just comes off as laughable. Here we have Gary Stu Trait #1 - the Angsty, Ridiculous Past. It keeps coming up, but all he really does is be brooding and pissy about it until Krystal cures him with her magic vagina or whatever. So it's supposed to make me sympathize with him, in lieu of any other traits that would make me sympathize with him, but instead it just makes me think of that Linkin Park song about the crawling and skin and wounds. Which does not make me sympathize with him. And it doesn't work anyway, because I can't really relate to a perfect inscrutable unstoppable man-dragon-thing who is also a corporate experiment gone awry and can do everything excellently and also thinks "The Hymn to Red October" is romantic.

1.1.2) His introduction to the cast is equally absurd. His first action in the story proper is to try to beat the shit out of Fox, and this for some reason endears him to Fox, which is the same sort of twisted logic disconnected from the real world as all those "x rapes y, y falls in love with x" stories. I imagine you were going for some kind of growly anime faux-machismo "he respects power" thing, but what you wound up with is Gary Stu Trait #2 - Shows Up the Main Cast. In this case, he beats the shit out of Fox. But it gets better, because he also ganks Slippy's schtick by being such an engineering whiz he can build his own super-advanced spaceship; he ganks most of the cast's schtick by being an ace pilot; he's the most knowledgeable about their enemy; he's the most useful and effective in a fight; he gets the Main Girl; and, oh yeah, he can turn into a dragon and torch everything with the power of his existential despair or whatever. Not only is he showing up the main cast, he's rendering them superfluous. In the final battle, really, they're just there to provide more bullets flying. They aren't needed. They're never needed. The only one who doesn't wind up that way is Krystal, about whom more later. And that "he respects power" thing? It's not how, you know, believable people react to having the shit kicked out of them. And it's not really how Fox McCloud, the boring straight-laced everyman, would plausibly react to someone trying to kill him. Maybe you could go that route with Wolf. Maybe. More on Wolf later.

1.1.3) You weren't kidding when you called Kyle a jack of all trades, but what you were was wrong, because the jack of all trades is a master of none. Kyle, however, is a master of everything. He's a crack shot. He's an unstoppable super soldier. He can turn into a dragon, for Christ's sake. He's a super engineer who built his own highly advanced spaceship. He's some kind of brilliant tactician (or at least, that's what I assume you were going for). He has his super ultra ninja senses for whenever bad guys conveniently phase into reality to ruin his shit. Now, here, in the sequel, he's a Jedi and he's effortlessly invented his own styles of lightsaber combat. This collection of talents and abilities gives us Gary Stu Trait #3 - He Can Do Everything. Nobody can do everything--especially not these skills, like engineering and lightsaber combat, that take years of practice and some innate skill to do well. It takes years to become a talented engineer, full of training and education and work. In Star Wars, it takes years of training to become a skilled enough Force-user to use a lightsaber without accidentally slicing your own face off. Kyle can do all these things effortlessly. As a result, he comes off like the kid in a role-playing game who constantly adds new, increasingly fantastic and unassailable abilities and attributes to his character so as not to be shown up by anyone else and to eliminate the possibility of ever losing to someone else. Nobody likes that kid, which is why a competent GM nerfs that kid straight to hell, and it doesn't work any better to put that character in prose.

1.1.4) Kyle must be a smoooooooooth criminal, like Michael Jackson randomly busting moves and then shooting a guy in a 1930s gangster speakeasy smooth, if he got Fox to so effortlessly give up his affection for Krystal. Maybe I missed something, I dunno, this story's prose was comparable to that time I had calculus scraped out of my teeth at the dentist without anesthesia (about which more later--the prose, not my teeth). But this leads us quite nicely to Gary Stu Trait #4 - Your Girl is Mine. He pretty much effortlessly breaks up a "canon couple" (such as it is, anyway) so that he can swoop in and capture the vapid, easily-impressed heart of the fandom's number one girl. I know there's not much to Fox and Krystal and you can take multiple endings of Command to suggest that there's nothing between them, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make your character an easily detestable turdburger to see him go swooping in and snatching away some other character's significant other.

Not that Krystal comes out of this looking particularly great either. More on that later!


Allegedly, this is a Star Fox fanfic. I say "allegedly" because the Star Fox elements have been essentially pushed to the side. More on that later, but for now, in regards to Mr. Anderson here, he presents before us Gary Stu Trait #5 - Your Spotlight is Mine. Allegedly, this is a Star Fox fanfic, but everything from Star Fox--the setting, the characters, even something as superficial as the mechanical designs--is shoved into the background. What takes up most of the stage is Kyle, his overwrought backstory, all this nonsense about dragons and dragon-shifters and this dragon language you keep insisting on using (about which more later), his conflict with this corporation that turned him into what he is, his, um, "romance" with Krystal...all of that is what dominates this story. It doesn't matter that this takes place in the Star Fox world (in fact, it's not even clear it does--but, you guessed it, more on that later). The Star Fox characters don't matter, because they aren't even themselves and even if they were, their role in the story is superfluous because Kyle could just do everything himself. Even the signature spaceships of Star Fox make little to no appearances. Kyle and the vast quivering amoeba of absurdity that is his presence in the story pushes out everything else, and that is the mark of a real Gary Stu.

I could go on, about stuff like how you made Kyle Fox's brother, which makes no sense at all when you think about it, which would give us Gary Stu Trait #6 - I'm Actually Your Sibling, but I think you get the point.

1.1.6) And then there's some just plain detestable qualities he has all the same. They're small, but they're there all the same. For example, there's the constant brooding and whining that makes him sound like a 17-year-old railing at the injustice of the world because his parents made him take out the trash. There's the flagrant disregard for the privacy of others. There's the self-pity. There's the constant reference to himself as some bloodsoaked monster, while he is addressing mercenaries who make a living by doing things that frequently involve killing people. Really, since Kyle has little personality to speak of (and if you're going to call "anger" a personality trait, that's not a personality trait, it's a psychosis) and his other Gary Stu traits sort of take over everything else, this is kind of a secondary concern. But as if the Gary Stu stuff didn't make him unlikable enough, now he's got these obnoxious little traits that make me imagine a smug little grin permanently plastered to his scaly mug. And if what I want to see the most in your story is to see your character's imagined smug little grin removed with a grenade launcher, well, you're probably doin' it wrong.

1.2) OH YEAH we're on 1.2 now. This is what it's like to read the Tractatus, except with less snark and more duckrabbits and self-inflicted concussions.

Anyway, Kyle is not the only problem this story has. Far from it. Although he pushes pretty much everyone else to the sidelines except maybe Krystal, that doesn't stop the rest of the cast--the one that appears to be descended from the Star Fox cast--from being a great big mess.

1.2.1) Let's start with Fox McCloud. Judging by how you're shoehorning your Gary Stu into his family tree, I suppose he's going to be fairly important in the sequel. In "Marauder," the same could not be said; he was almost entirely superfluous, too much so to even take part in his own missions. He didn't seem to mind Kyle swooping in to snatch his girlfriend--probably, I suppose, because you conjured Fara "Consolation Prize" Phoenix out of thin air for him. He doesn't really have a personality, so he's just reduced to a talking head reacting to the plot as it's advanced by Kyle, or a walking head that has a gun attached and stuff. Had you deigned to spend any time fleshing out his character, perhaps this might have been avoided, but Kyle the Great Big Sponge absorbed everything around him like a black hole, and all that was left was this pathetic husk of Fox McCloud somewhere outside the gravitational distortion.

But now it turns out he's Kyle's brother and also a Jedi and a dragon and a shapeshifter and all the other crap Kyle has attached to him. So, really, what you're doing is turning Fox into the same Gary Stu that Kyle is. But the difference is that while Kyle is a Gary Stu spun out of whole cloth, Fox McCloud already has a character, thin as it may be. He's not some Jedi shapeshifting dragon thing. He's a remarkable person in his own right already, what with being the guy who killed Andross twice, destroyed the aparoids, and destroyed the Anglars, depending on if and how you include Command. Forcing this dragon Jedi whatever stuff into him is not only contrived and tacky, it's unnecessary. Fox McCloud already has plenty of potential. Turning him into the Swamp Monster doesn't do anything with it.

1.2.2) Krystal. Ohhhhh there's Krystal.

I'm not sure if this was your intention or what, but Krystal comes off in this story as an utter idiot who can be convinced to fall in love with you by showing her something shiny, which I'm sure will wreak havoc on her marriage with Kyle. To be fair, that's more or less how she comes off in the games too, but it's worse here. And I can tell what you were going for. You were going for some kind of soul-connecting transcendent moment when Krystal "enters his mind" or whatever and understands him perfectly and he reciprocates through the magic of telepathy and then they instantly fall in love with each other. You even hung a lampshade on it when Fox is all "wow did I miss several months or something." And it's possible to do this, and do this well, and even make it evocative and powerful.

But if I'm talking about it here as a problem, well, you can guess how it worked for you.

Doing that without making it work as an evocative and powerful moment means that your transcendent soul-sharing turns into a cheap cop-out for writing and developing characters and relationships. Their love story is ridiculous, because there is no emotion, no convincing basis, no chemistry, nothing that can make the reader feel like there actually is love in the air between them. So when they have their romantic waltz to the soothing strains of "The Hymn to Red October" (pffffffahahahahaha), the reader not only laughs at the ridiculous song choice, but just rolls their eyes at this hamfisted attempt at contriving romance; when Kyle gives his mighty roar of "FVWAAAAAAAAAAAYYYNNNNNN" (pffffffahahahahahaha more on that later), in addition to the absurdity of Kyle making the same noise as a baby puking up a stomachful of strained peaches to declare his love for Krystal like he's on fucking Pride Rock or something, it's just hollow and unconvincing; when he's weepy and sad because he thinks Krystal is dead but lol not really, it has no impact, because there was never anything to convince the reader that they had a relationship anyway. It was like you said that they were in love and reality was rearranged to appear as though they were, but there was no actual love between them. And if there was, you never expressed it in the writing.

So all that boils down to Krystal being Kyle's requisite Girlfriend, existing for no other reason than to be The Girlfriend. Someone else can fulminate about the sexism inherent in that, really, as well as in the rest of your treatment of females in this story, but to be honest, I'd say you've got much bigger problems either way.

1.2.3) I would say more about other individual characters, but what I could say would literally be more than what this story said about them. You dropped huge revelations like they were as important as what color socks somebody was wearing (and then you stretched out mundane details like what color socks somebody was wearing into whole paragraphs--more on that later). For example, you quite casually tossed in the little detail that the Star Wolf team has become part of the Star Fox team. That is kind of a big fucking deal in the context of Star Fox. Fox and Wolf are rivals. Wolf hates Fox. Even in Assault, he offers his assistance only begrudgingly. Seriously, man, if you're going to bring the Star Wolf crew so out of character that they join Fox's crew and apparently take his orders, you kind of have to explain that. And that's the sort of thing that would, really, deserve a story of its own. Seriously. Fox and Wolf working together is enough of a trip.

But, since Kyle the Gary Stu Devil Remora sucked all the attention away from everything else, stuff like the above got glossed over at most. You expanded the Star Fox team and then did nothing with all but maybe two of its members. You conjured more Standard-Issue Girlfriends out of thin air. Even your other OC, Razuul, existed for no other reason than to tell us how awesome and/or nobly, selflessly tortured Kyle is. Everything revolved around this character, and that which did not was bent and twisted and distorted until it did.

2) OH YEAH A WHOLE NEW DIGIT MAN this is almost as intense as that time I got lupus.

Dr. House was so confused.

So yes! Section 2 here is quite simple and revolves around a single burning, haunting question:

What the fuck is up with this dragon shit?

2.1) Normally when you add something like all this dragon-shifting whatever nonsense, it's supposed to add to the fictional world to which it is being applied. Like, one would assume that if you were to put dragons in Star Fox, they would bear some relation to the stuff we already see in Star Fox. Perhaps you'd tie them to Sauria and the dinosaur tribes, or the Krazoas, or the Anglars, or Andross, or...you know, something.

But you did none of that. Instead, this entire dragon ethos thing was an entirely disconnected bit of mythology or whatever that you used as a bludgeon to smash into the world of Star Fox over and over again, until the world of Star Fox shattered beneath the force of your determination to put dragons in it, and lo and behold, there were dragons in it. But they don't belong there--or more precisely, you didn't make them seem like they belonged there. The dragon stuff is important only to Kyle and his designated cheerleader Razuul, and I guess now that you're forcing it into Fox like a crowbar into the face of a headcrab zombie, I suppose it'll be important to him too. But given the way you've handled this story so far, I have little reason to believe that you're going to handle it any differently.

2.2) The language. The dragon language. The fucking dragon language.

I'd almost think you're trolling with that stuff if you weren't so dedicated about using it elsewhere on the forum, and, I mean, there's no way you're that dedicated to trolling, which would mean you're serious, which is arguably even worse. But since you've apparently made it an integral part of your online persona, perhaps you don't realize how intensely, toweringly aggravating it is to have your characters speaking a made-up language, the translation of which I can only guess from what limited cues you provide in the narration and surrounding dialogue. Making up languages doesn't make your story any more "realistic," because you haven't gone into nearly the necessarily detail to make your language sound like a language and not a handful of corrupted English words you're passing off as a language.

So ultimately, that comes down to an insult to your reader's intelligence. It banks on the reader not recognizing that this is just a handful of corrupted English words (which is not likely) and expects the reader to have the patience to indulge the game. It's even worse because you chose to use the dragon language thing at important points in the story, like when Kyle is freaking out and Krystal is trying to calm him down. You can't really afford to go obscuring your meaning in those sections--especially when the rest of the prose is as bad as it is (more on that later)--but then you throw in the dragon language and that just shoots everything straight to hell.

So, yeah, messing with different languages is best left to someone who knows what they're doing. Judging by the way the rest of this story is written, I'm not sure you should be doing that.

While I'm on the subject, you should have provided translations for the, uh, "The Hymn to Red October" too. It's one thing to have an untranslated bit of a language foreign to your audience nestled in a context where there are plenty of clues as to what they're saying, or in a context where the reader not knowing what they're saying is the point. When it's just a long string of words in a language your reader doesn't understand, well, that's not writing, that's being a jerk.

Yeah, not as much to say there mainly because I get the distinctly uneasy feeling that this is the twisted, gnarled root of a fetish, and those tend to result in tantrums.

3) And lest we forget, there's just a whole slew of general points to be made about the writing. About the way this story is written, the references, the touches that I think you were trying to use as rhetorical flourish...yeah.

3.1) The word of the day is verisimilitude. Why am I bringing it up here? Verisimilitude is what you seek to preserve by asking your reader to suspend disbelief. There's some things in a story--like, say, talking animal people flying spaceships fighting against a giant floating monkey head and hands--that are simply absurd, but in order to have a story, the reader has to accept them despite their absurdity. Why does this matter? Because there's only so far you can take that until that suspension of disbelief falls apart and your reader just goes all nope.avi on you and leaves. Why am I bringing this up here?

I can suspend my disbelief pretty far. But I can't quite suspend it far enough to buy into the idea of Kyle getting ready to go slaughter a bunch of gangsters while listening to the score from The Hunt for Red October. Or that, while flying his super duper homemade space fighter into battle, he puts on Linkin Park. Or that he has a nice slow dance with Krystal to the soothing refrains of "The Hymn to Red October."

Seriously. "The Hymn to Red October." I, just, but, what, in, hoobagastric, ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT A ROMANTIC SONG ADGKJSHGKJHDASKJFHDAKJ

I have to say, though, you've now inspired me to view The Hunt for Red October--and most other Tom Clancy works, actually--through the lens of a romantic comedy, which makes me like Tom Clancy a lot more. That scene where Alec Baldwin jumped out of the helicopter? He wasn't just falling into the ocean. He was falling in love. I should go back and rewatch that movie, just for the sexual tension between Ramius and the political officer. The screen positively smolders.

Before, you know, Ramius kills him.

So, yes, point being, I get thrown out of the story both by the sheer ridiculousness of Super Ultra Gary Stu Kyle putting on Linkin Park while he's killing people, and by the assertion that that stuff exists in what is nominally supposed to be the Star Fox world. I can begrudgingly admit that Linkin Park exists in this world, but once you say it exists in a world that is specifically defined as not our own (that is, the Lylat system), then my suspension of disbelief goes up in smoke and I lose your story completely as I laugh hysterically to Kyle crawling in his skin with wounds that will not heal or whatever.

And in no universe is "The Hymn to Red October" romantic. No universe. In fact, there is nothing about that movie that is romantic, except perhaps its portrayal of the humanity and efficiency of United States military and political leadership.

3.2) I see someone told you that you should be detailed. That's good! Sadly, they must have forgotten to tell you the other very important half of that piece of advice--that there are some things about which you don't need to be detailed.

You shower unimportant details on the reader. You tell us all about what kind of guns the characters are carrying--but since they're not real guns, it's irrelevant, and either way, the only importance the gun has to the story is that it goes boom and kills people. But you tell us when they're packing a "XRS10 .45-caliber machine pistol," as though we need to know or as if it helps make anything clearer. It's as if the only purpose is to show off your knowledge of military jargon--a knowledge that, I should add, does not make you knowledgeable about the military.

But if you overindulge in the pointless and irrelevant military jargon and technical details, you go way too short on the most important details of all--describing the characters, their feelings, their reactions. The characters are more important than the guns they're carrying. Case in point: the last scenes of chapter six. Even the bizarre musical selection aside, this is supposed to be a very important emotional event for the two of these characters. There's Krystal getting her man, and there's Kyle finally getting some peace in his otherwise tortured life. This isn't a scene you should rush through; it's a scene where you should be spending your time painting the emotional picture, making the reader feel the tension rushing out of Kyle like water running down a drain, making the reader feel the jumble of emotions one would expect Krystal to feel as she gets some reciprocation out of this man she suddenly for some reason loves, making the reader feel some hope that Kyle finally has a chance at redemption. Instead, you describe it entirely mechanically, as a series of actions devoid of any of that emotion. It's as if this whole love plot and whatever else was just some necessary conceit to which you acquiesced so you could get to the real point of the story--the guns 'n stuff.

3.3) So one would naturally expect that the action scenes would be where this story shines, but not even that goes well. Just as I described already, the description is as if you don't really care. Your descriptions of these action scenes read as though you're describing watching somebody else play a first-person shooter. It's just a mechanical series of actions: go into this room, kill those guys, maybe throw a switch or whatever, go into the next room, repeat. You lay out a map and populate it with enemies as though you're setting up a level in an FPS. Your enemies aren't particularly threatening, since they often don't even get mentioned one at a time; often the enemies come up only as "three dozen mercs" that get "greased" in some off-screen shootout.

It's the conceit of a shooter game. The game gives you lots of things to shoot because that's what makes it fun. That doesn't work in a story. It's just boring. There's no risk, no action, not even any shooting that we get to see, it's just Fox and Fara go into a room and then there's a pile of dead mercs. An action scene, like everything else, should be emotionally involving. It should be at least suspenseful enough to keep the reader's attention. And what helps that a great deal is to dramatically lower the number of enemies.

For example, if you'd chopped out most of those 175 mercs and just gone with, oh, I dunno, twenty or thirty, then you have time and space to deal with getting rid of them all--but you can pay attention to how it's done. Instead of just "Fox and Fara go into a room and leave behind a pile of dead mercs," you can describe each shootout or fistfight or whatever with particular guys, or whatever. Or you could some intense fight between Wolf and Random Merc. Or whatever else. The point is, it wouldn't just be Fox and Friends Effortlessly Slaughter Helpless Mooks. It would be, you know, a fight.

3.4) And lest I forget...there is a good way to do pop culture references, and there is a bad way. You chose the bad way. I most definitely caught that bit where you just ripped out a scene from At World's End and dropped it into your story. It kind of worked, a little, in Barbossa's jaunty yet menacing way, in At World's End. It fit with Will and Elizabeth's little romantic subplot. It fit there. It belonged there.

It did not belong here, so it was at the very least an unnecessary distraction. There are other examples of this, I suppose, but that was the most egregious.

I'll be honest, there is so much wrong with this story that I can't really think of anything good to say about it. I guess it's true that the grammar, sentence structure, and spelling, while not perfect, is not distractingly bad. You can at least put together an intelligible English sentence, which is more than a lot of fanfic writers can say. But congratulating you for that is sort of like congratulating me for not shitting my pants. Might've been impressive 22 years ago, but now I'm 23 and that's sort of to be expected.

I'm not gonna be one of those "you suck stop writing and kill yourself forever" people, but, uh, I'm not sure this particular story can be saved. So, yeah, back to the drawing board.

Or you can rage at me. I should start a bet on that, actually.



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Dude, if you don't like this story, then don't post in it. Simple as that. No need to type up this long-ass explanation of the many reasons you hate my story or whatever. I merely do this for my own personal enjoyment. You don't like the way I do it, too bad.

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@ Star Dragon. As histrionic and excessive as unoservix's review might be, there is some constructive criticism in it. Don't give up on your story just try and make some changes to improve upon it.

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I never said I was giving up on my story. Key word: MY story. I will do what I want with it. What is done is done, and I will not go back and "improve" it just to make him happy. besides, I ran a poll earlier to see where ppl wanted the story to go, and went with what *they* wanted. And I reiterate what I've said before: I do this merely for my own personal amusement. I do this for fun. It's how I enjoy myself.

Now, chapter Three isn't finished, and there isn't enough to give you a sneak peek. Stay tuned.

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You don't have to listen to him or make any of the changes he suggested - though I think you SHOULD at least read through the whole thing because there is a slew of constructive criticism that isn't blanketed in "I don't like your story." Disregarding this actually helpful information just because he didn't really say anything positive about your story is silly. Yes, you're writing this for your own enjoyment. Yes, it's your story and you can do whatever you want with it. But when you put it on the internet, in clear view and expect that people might read it, you have to expect that someone is going to read it and give you a real critique. It may not be presented in the most cushioned manner but that doesn't mean you should brush it aside with a "If you don't like it, don't read it" comment. If it's your story and you don't want to hear about what other people think of it, then you probably shouldn't put it somewhere where people can post their opinions of it.

Shorter version of this post: Just because you're doing something for fun doesn't mean you can't improve on the ways you do it and still have fun.

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Very well.

But I still intend to finish this series. That will not be stopped. What stories I start, I finish. What series I start, I finish.

But I will consider this when I go over (yet again) my real books - ones I came up with on my own, and have continually edited and revised to remove any "impurities." And NO, I will not discuss those books - they are mine.

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DAMN I should have started that bet! I knew you would default to "butthurt whining." Knew it! Curse me and my not being a betting man.

I'd say I'm disappointed, but I guess I can't actually say that if I expected the worst and that was what I got, huh.

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Unoservix: I love you. You had the BALLS to say what people have wanted to say for a while. You're welcome to review any story I write or publish in the near future

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As cruel as these posts have been getting, points are being made. Although this is purely for enjoyment as you have said repeatedly, it is now public domain and thus subject to rampent critiscism. Not that im covering my tracts or anything...

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Star_Dragon, you have professed the desire to be published. If that is the case then you better get used to what Uno has to say because while he is an absolute snark machine, everything he says is completely valid, and there were even a couple points that he didn't mention that I would, if it weren't so blatently obvious how poorly you take criticism.

"Don't like, don't read" doesn't work, especially because that means that, for you, nobody will really be reading it. Your character is literally That Guy who everyone in real-life detests because doesn't talk about anything other than himself. He is the guy that, no matter how miniscule the matter, if it concerns you it concerns him more. If you've done something, he HAS to know everything about it. If something bad happened to you, he HAS to point out something worse that's happened to him. Those kind of people are annoying as hell and your character is that kind of person.

Take this from someone who has, technically, been published. Free criticism is a GODSEND. Good story editors can be pricey, and you definitely aren't paying them to kiss your ass. Every great writer has the potential to write terrible shit, but they also have the ability to admit it when their peers tell them so.

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Your character is literally That Guy who everyone in real-life detests because doesn't talk about anything other than himself. He is the guy that, no matter how miniscule the matter, if it concerns you it concerns him more. If you've done something, he HAS to know everything about it. If something bad happened to you, he HAS to point out something worse that's happened to him. Those kind of people are annoying as hell and your character is that kind of person.

In theory, he could actually work off of this point and have the character realize his wrongs over the course of the story; characterization resulting from the, albeit a bit flawed, character personality is always a good thing IMO. :D

And personally I have never read StarFox fanfictions for deep, enthralling storylines filled with coherency, which is particularly why I don't quite mind the problems that others have pointed out. If you ever do plan to be published, however, make sure to heed all criticism closely! ^_^

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Except we aren't supposed to see Kyle as an egotistical, eye-rolling jerkoff. We're supposed to see him as a deep, tortured, super-smart, super-strong and super-everything-else-in-the-book hero of heroes. None of his glaring flaws are supposed to be flaws; yes, in THEORY you could write an interesting character around the traits of "egotistical" (Han Solo) and "rediculously overpowered" (Superman), but I doubt Star_Dragon thought about it that hard.

Most of our culture's most popular action heroes are actually incredibly flawed people, and flawed in the sense that it causes problems for them, not in a "sometimes I just get so mad I turn into a dragon and kill all the bad guys because it's cool" sense.

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Except we aren't supposed to see Kyle as an egotistical, eye-rolling jerkoff. We're supposed to see him as a deep, tortured, super-smart, super-strong and super-everything-else-in-the-book hero of heroes.

Then in that case there needs to be some restructuring if you'd like to make this story the best it can possibly be, Star_Dragon. Kyle, as a character, does come off as perfection in every sense of the word when it comes to skills, attributes, etc. It also seems as if you've represented Fox, among other canon characters, as little more than cardboard cutouts designed to react to the main characters actions, rather than unique beings. I do like the story for all of its insanity, changes to canon, and definition of what fan-fiction really is, though it certainly could use some work to achieve greatness.

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I'm gonna jump on the "Keep writing for fun, but take uno's post into account" bandwagon. I agree that he - and sometimes others here on the forum - might not exactly sugarcoat what they have to say and that can make accepting his criticism a bit difficult, but he does know what the hell he's talking about. And you do need to be able to take constructive criticism in all its forms to evolve as a writer, and not just the kind that tells you how good a writer you are.

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I'd like to add my REAL two cents now. If its worth that much lol. I'd liKe to add to that one point Uno made a while back. The jargon and the language mostly. Now, the language, I wouldn't have a huge problem with if you'd just translate the freakin' thing. If you're using it here and there and everywhere, nobody's gonna know what the hell you're saying. And when characters in your story use it, we can't figure it out except by reactions and hints from outside dialogue. You don't need some super special words to let someone know it's a different language. Use symbols outside the text and inside the quotation marks "<Like this>" to show its the dragon language, then speak English. People get the point, AND they know what you're talking about.

As for the jargon, I may be getting nitpicky here, but I have noticed that some of the model numbers you've used are already in use. And I'll take an example from a character sheet for a second if I may. The "RX Mauser M240 dual purpose assault rifle" Now here's the problem: There is already an M240, and RX Mauser does not make it. RX Mauser isnt even a gun manufacturer. RX Mauser is the bassist for Stiffs Inc. The M240 is made by Fabrique Nationale, and it's also not an assault rifle, it's a machine gun, made for support gunners. Now a character sheet is different than a story, I'd expect to know a modification number and all there. But you do have that tendancy to throw around alphabet soup. Just a heads up here, try to put more bang bang into the guns and less ABC. And please, if you use the model number, please make sure it's not in use already unless you're using that gun. It makes you more believable.

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Time is short, right now, ppl, so I'll have to make this brief.

I appreciate the help you're trying to give. I really do. In fact, believe it or not, you've given me a few ideas for another story. And I'm already hard at work on it, and I *may* have it up here soon. *May*. I'm not sure yet. So if I seem quiet, don't take it as me blowing you all off. I'm just busy.

Thanks for being honest.


PS: If you think I'm not serious in my appreciation, well, I won't chastise you for it.

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