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Star Fox Return of Andross Chaper 1 Part 1


SherbertFizzz

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Ami, Surfire, Falcon & BeakBoy woke up in Dinosaur planet Ami, Falcon & Surfire woke up first Ami & Falcon had a disscusion while Surfire tries to wake up Beakboy

Ami

So where do you think we are Falcon?

Falcon

I remember but i can't the name of the planet

Ami

Ummmmm did you live here on this planet?

Falcon

I used to come here &....

Surfire interrupts the conversation

Surfire

I'm afriad i couldn't awake beakboy i tried the tickling, the bubbling noises & the word underpants! i'm afraid he's gonna be sleeping beauting forever!!!

BeakBoy wakes up

BeakBoy

WHO CALLED ME SLEEPING BEAUTY??????

Andross appered out of nowhere

Andross

There's the dinosaur planet attack!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Surfire

ANdross? 0_0

Falcon

Lets Run & the rest at the same time!

But andross blocked the way

The Great Fox Approces dinosaur planet & destorys andross's army full of apporiods

Andross

I'll be back star fox!!!

Andross vanshises & Fox, Krystal, Falco & Slippy jumps out of the great fox & Fox runs over to Surfire,Falco runs over to Ami, Krystal runs over to Falcon, Slippy runs to BeakBoy. FOx carries Surfire, Falco Carries Ami, Krystal carries Falcon & Slippy drags beakboy to the Great Fox since Slippy is not strong enough to carry beak boy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This thread is now officially for macros.

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Alrighty. There's been plenty of macros summing up peoples' feelings here in this thread, but enough of that. It's time for some serious critiquing. Let's read this bitch.

Ami, Surfire, Falcon & BeakBoy woke up in Dinosaur planet Ami, Falcon & Surfire woke up first Ami & Falcon had a disscusion while Surfire tries to wake up Beakboy,

Dear god. So much error. Oh god. Wat do.

Well, first things first, don't use a "&" sign in writing. It's almost always wrong. Use the word "and" instead. It literally only takes a single extra button press and looks much more natural. Second, PUNCTUATION MOTHAFUCKA. DO YOU USE IT? Yes, but waaaaay incorrectly. And occasionally you omit it where it's necessary. Periods instead of commas, bro. Runon sentences are a no-no. Also, I've already noticed a lazy capitalization error where once, you call him 'BeakBoy' and later you call him 'Beakboy' without capitalizing the other B. If you're too lazy to proofread, then rethink your writing career.

Also, TEEEEENSE! Christ, this has to be my biggest pet peeve in writing. It's tough for me to get it right myself, but jeez. You, in a single line, went from past tense to present tense. Pick a tense and stick with it.

Ami

So where do you think we are Falcon?

Falcon

I remember but i can't the name of the planet

Ami

Ummmmm did you live here on this planet?

Falcon

I used to come here &....

GAAAAFGBLAGFGABHHHHHH WHAT SORT OF FORMATTING IS THIS I DON'T EVEN!

Alright, I don't like script format myself, but this isn't script format. It look like it, but it lacks several key parts of script format. Like... you know, the formatting part. This is a big eyesore of what's supposed to be dialogue. If you ARE gonna go with script format - which I do not recommend, as it's not good for telling a story - you need to make each person's dialogue stand out and separate the name from the dialogue so it's clear who's speaking when and what is and isn't dialogue. Double space between lines, of underline the names, or something. If you're gonna take my advice and ditch the pseudo-script format, go with normal dialogue. For help on that, refer to the guide I wrote and posted here on the boards. I'll link it at the end for your convenience.

Okay, formatting issues aside, the flow here is terrible, the dialogue is stiff and unnatural, and you once again used a "&." Tsk tsk.

Surfire interrupts the conversation

Surfire

I'm afriad i couldn't awake beakboy i tried the tickling, the bubbling noises & the word underpants! i'm afraid he's gonna be sleeping beauting forever!!!

BeakBoy wakes up

BeakBoy

WHO CALLED ME SLEEPING BEAUTY??????

/rant mode

Okay, this is something I notice a lot with people your age trying to write. They, and their friends, have an inside joke or two that they love - it doesn't much matter what it is, where it came from, or even why it's funny, it just is. That's fine. In-jokes are great. I have plenty of them myself. I can say the phrase "Two t's" to a friend of mine and she cracks right the hell up. But do you want to know a secret?

They're called "inside jokes" for a reason. You and your circle of friends are the only ones who find them funny. That's why, when you're cracking up at something and someone asks you what, you just say "Oh, it's an inside joke" instead of explaining it to them. You know that if you did, they'd just give you this blank stare and not find it funny at all. So, knowing this...

WHY DO PEOPLE PUT INSIDE JOKES IN THEIR WRITING? I mean, sure. One here and there as a sort of tribute to your friends? Yeah, that I can get. I've sometimes slipped an inside joke into something I was doing, just so if the right people read it they'd get a chuckle. But the problem comes when people try and make their entire comedy shtick out of inside jokes, which is what you're doing here. You've done it around the forums in several places, and now you're trying to force your own inside jokes into a story as a main source of humor, and that doesn't work Inside jokes are a special kind of juvenile humor most of the time, and except under very rare circumstances, it's never funny to anyone who doesn't get it. That being, you know, your ENTIRE READING DEMOGRAPHIC HERE.

/end rant mode

Alright, humor-rant aside, this exchange is utterly pointless. It's intended as comedy for comedy's sake, which really only has a place in a purely comedic writing in the first place. Even then, it takes quite a bit of skill to pull of a purely comedic piece, which - and you'll pardon my bluntness here - is a level of skill you're not close to.

Andross appered out of nowhere

Andross

There's the dinosaur planet attack!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Surfire

ANdross? 0_0

Falcon

Lets Run & the rest at the same time!

Ah, jeez.This whole plot so far - and I use the word very loosely - is schizo to the max. You need to know your purpose when you sit down to write. Is this supposed to be comedic? Then try something new, because that takes subtlety most people lack. You included. Is this supposed to be action or plot-driven? Then EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING OOOOOON! Don't just say "Oh hey, these people are now here and Andross is attacking for no reason BWAHAHAHAHA!"

No. Bad boy. You need to explain. Describe. Establish a setting. Foreshadow the arrival of such a big bad. See, a story is supposed to be immersive. That means that when the reader reads it, they need to be able to feel that they are in the story. Sitting on the sidelines as the action happens, in the thick of things, whatever, as long as the reader feel something. Which, with the way you write, is IMPOSSIBLE to do. It's impossible because you've put no effort at all into making it a good story. If you can't immerse yourself into your story, you can't expect other people to get into it themselves.

Also, "Let's run and rest at the same time?" Th'fuck?

Like, really.

Th'fuck?!

But andross blocked the way

The Great Fox Approces dinosaur planet & destorys andross's army full of apporiods

Andross

I'll be back star fox!!!

Refer to my above paragraph. In writing, you don't tell people things. You show them. You don't say "Andross blocked the way." You say "One of Andross's disembodied hands slammed down in their path, cutting off their escape." You describe the scene. Writing is just as much of an art as painting. You just paint differently in this medium than with a brush. You use your words to construct a scene that people can see in their minds.

Also, you just breezed through the only important thing happening in this entire short chapter. You devoted more time to delivering your unfunny inside jokes than you did to the thing that was actually relevant to the plot. Don't do that. And you, once again, switched verb tenses. HRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNN-

Andross vanshises & Fox, Krystal, Falco & Slippy jumps out of the great fox & Fox runs over to Surfire,Falco runs over to Ami, Krystal runs over to Falcon, Slippy runs to BeakBoy. FOx carries Surfire, Falco Carries Ami, Krystal carries Falcon & Slippy drags beakboy to the Great Fox since Slippy is not strong enough to carry beak boy.

And again, you breeze through the important shit by just saying that it happened. All in a single runon sentence. Split it up. This should take a few paragraphs. Yeah, explaining that the SF crew approached and helped your shitty, Teen Titan ripoff OCs should take several paragraphs. Not one runon sentence.

Long story short, either seriously rethink your writing career, if you do want to get better, read the guide I link below and start practicing.

http://starfox-online.net/topic/8288-how-to-not-suck-at-writing-in-general/

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Xort, I have to say I never expected anyone to actually pick through this thing and give an honest critique. It came to the point where the actual critique was funnier (and MUCH more coherent for that matter) than the actual 'story' itself. For that, I believe you deserve some applause. :yes::P

citizen-kane-clapping2.gif

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Pfft, I knew he was gonna summarize my thoughts as well as his in the near future. So yeah, not much more for me to say other than;

Dammit, Crazy! No moar macros!

...<3

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Xort, why do you do this to yourself? There are better fanfics out there that you don't feel like you need to shower yourself after reading. The only reason I can think if that you wrote your uberrant is to let off some steam and fulfill the compulsion to rant at bad fanfics (which, I admit, is a really tempting urge sometimes). I hope you got that all out of your system alright, and the reactions are pretty entertaining. In the meantime though, the folks who actually give half-a-damn about their work and put some effort in it will patiently sit here on the sidelines. Carry on. :)

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GUYS I THINK MAYBE CHAOS LEADER REALLY WANTS YOU TO READ HIS FANFIC??? HE IS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST SERIOUS OF ANYONE HERE GO READ HIS FANFIC RIGHT NOW WHO CARES ABOUT FREE WILL

Anyways, to elaborate on a comment of Xort's, because I'm a scriptfag:

Alright, I don't like script format myself, but this isn't script format. It look like it, but it lacks several key parts of script format. Like... you know, the formatting part. This is a big eyesore of what's supposed to be dialogue. If you ARE gonna go with script format - which I do not recommend, as it's not good for telling a story - you need to make each person's dialogue stand out and separate the name from the dialogue so it's clear who's speaking when and what is and isn't dialogue. Double space between lines, of underline the names, or something. If you're gonna take my advice and ditch the pseudo-script format, go with normal dialogue. For help on that, refer to the guide I wrote and posted here on the boards. I'll link it at the end for your convenience.

First, to write properly in script format, use an actual scriptwriting program and post it as a .pdf. CeltX is free, and Final Draft and Movie Magic are also out there. Like some kind of crazy cyber-wizard it automatically formats your business so it doesn't come out looking like an alphabet soup holocaust.

Second, I'm gonna have to strongly disagree that a script is "not a good way to tell a story", which is a bit of an odd statement to begin with because in film and plays and...anything with a script, that is where the story comes from; it doesn't just magically appear once the camera starts rolling. Some people might not be interested in just reading scripts due to the formatting and whatnot, but being that scripts generally should never be bogged down in excessive description and tangents, it is actually ideal in storytelling; with the minimal amount of space you are allowed to work with (film and television runtime constraints, of course) you are forced to look at your story in the raw, how its elements are exposed and what is and isn't working becomes startingly obvious. For this purpose I recommend any serious writer try it at least once at some point.

That being said, the differences from prose make script decently hard to write well. A script is not an illy-formatted chatlog. It's its own medium, and you need to learn it if you are going to be taken seriously while using it.

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Second, I'm gonna have to strongly disagree that a script is "not a good way to tell a story", which is a bit of an odd statement to begin with because in film and plays and...anything with a script, that is where the story comes from; it doesn't just magically appear once the camera starts rolling. Some people might not be interested in just reading scripts due to the formatting and whatnot, but being that scripts generally should never be bogged down in excessive description and tangents, it is actually ideal in storytelling; with the minimal amount of space you are allowed to work with (film and television runtime constraints, of course) you are forced to look at your story in the raw, how its elements are exposed and what is and isn't working becomes startingly obvious. For this purpose I recommend any serious writer try it at least once at some point.

I'll admit I'm not the most well-learned on the art of scripts, but as far as I'm aware, the thing about scripts is that they're either limited in what they can tell, if they're just a collection of lines and stage directions, or not very immersive, given that they lack the subtlety of prose. Where in prose, everything ideally seems more organic and fleshed out, scripts are guidelines for people to act something out, which is where they become more immersive. Otherwise, they're just bare bones of storytelling that don't make for a good, compelling read.

But if I am wrong, then I'd really appreciate a suggestion of a good script or something I could read to demonstrate your point.

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GUYS I THINK MAYBE CHAOS LEADER REALLY WANTS YOU TO READ HIS FANFIC??? HE IS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST SERIOUS OF ANYONE HERE GO READ HIS FANFIC RIGHT NOW WHO CARES ABOUT FREE WILL

Gee golly wilikers Dras! Thanks a bunch for your impassioned, enthusiastic support! Wow! :troll::yes:

Anyways...

Second, I'm gonna have to strongly disagree that a script is "not a good way to tell a story", which is a bit of an odd statement to begin with because in film and plays and...anything with a script, that is where the story comes from; it doesn't just magically appear once the camera starts rolling. Some people might not be interested in just reading scripts due to the formatting and whatnot, but being that scripts generally should never be bogged down in excessive description and tangents, it is actually ideal in storytelling; with the minimal amount of space you are allowed to work with (film and television runtime constraints, of course) you are forced to look at your story in the raw, how its elements are exposed and what is and isn't working becomes startingly obvious. For this purpose I recommend any serious writer try it at least once at some point.

Scripts have their place. As far as I'm concerned, a script in and of itself is not the ideal medium to convey a story to an audience. A script is a piece, generally the foundation, of a greater production that goes through a director, a slew of designers and a great gob of other contributing artists and performers before the final production is ready. So in my take on things, a well written script is written with these artists and whatnot in mind. A fantastic story, written as a production script, may very well make for a dull read to the casual audience member, and that's fine. Depending on how the production process goes, that story might also make a subsequently fantastic show, or film. The same fantastic story written as a narrative however ought to read effectively for the intended target audience.

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I'll admit I'm not the most well-learned on the art of scripts, but as far as I'm aware, the thing about scripts is that they're either limited in what they can tell, if they're just a collection of lines and stage directions, or not very immersive, given that they lack the subtlety of prose. Where in prose, everything ideally seems more organic and fleshed out, scripts are guidelines for people to act something out, which is where they become more immersive. Otherwise, they're just bare bones of storytelling that don't make for a good, compelling read.

But if I am wrong, then I'd really appreciate a suggestion of a good script or something I could read to demonstrate your point.

Nah, it's preffered scripts aren't written as bleakly as instruction manuals. People seem to forget that for scripts to be purchased and generate interest for a green light, they have to actually be interesting to read. Not everyone likes reading them, but not everybody likes poetry either so there's no right answer as to whether or not it's a "good" medium for storytelling. You should be compelled by the story being told, not by the fluff surrounding it, be that acting or adjectives. A shitty line is still a shitty line no matter who delivers it, just as a good story is a good story be it on the page or on the screen; the medium being uninteresting to you doesn't make the format an invalid way of writing any more than my disinterest in cabbage makes it an invalid food. Or, to give an example chaos_leader should understand, personal disinterest in fanfiction doesn't make it invalid to those who enjoy reading and writing it.

Bland, technical scripts do exist, of course. But so do bland, technical novels.

Keep in mind that I'm not just referring to screenplays here; I'm sure most of you had to read stage plays for school at some point.

Anyways, the script to Psycho, The Lion King, The Fellowship of the Ring, Casablanca, the Exorcist and Ikiru are a few semi-familiar scripts off the top of my head that you may like, as well as anything by the Coens or Tarantino. I'm not sure how easy they are to find on the internet, I have hard copies of most of them; just MAKE SURE when poking around for scripts you find the ACTUAL SCRIPT. Transcripts (ie. a fan just writing down everything as they watch the movie) are horrible, generally boring as hell and formatted incorrectly.

So in my take on things, a well written script is written with these artists and whatnot in mind./The same fantastic story written as a narrative however ought to read effectively for the intended target audience.

First: How is this different than writing a novel? You're trying to paint a picture of a world and its characters in both formats. Scripts are supposed to stimulate others to WANT to see it as a movie, through effective writing ability. Which is funny, because books do the same thing, looking at how many have been adapted into features and television series. If you're suggesting that the writer of a script has absolutely no control over the character, world, and creature appearance, or that the characters all have to have a pre-determined actor in mind, you are quite simply very wrong. (It is very situational, true; some things may change at the request of a producer or director. But the first draft of a novel is never the same as what's published either)

Secondly: You seem to be doing a few things here. First implying that script in of itself is a genre (it isn't) and that no one wants to read them (they do). Not everyone likes completely OC-driven fanfiction, but that doesn't mean you can't post yours! If ShertbertFizz wants to write a script--even if it is completely broken at this point--she's free to put it here regardless of whether or not you personally fall into that "target audience"...a rediculous thing to assume exists a single collective in the first place, being that not all scripts are the same and just because I like the script to The Lion King doesn't mean I'll like the Hangover's (well, the early draft I read sucked anyway). Several scripts have been posted here--in proper or at least semi-proper format, though--and I was not the only one who read them.

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First: How is this different than writing a novel? You're trying to paint a picture of a world and its characters in both formats. Scripts are supposed to stimulate others to WANT to see it as a movie, through effective writing ability. Which is funny, because books do the same thing, looking at how many have been adapted into features and television series. If you're suggesting that the writer of a script has absolutely no control over the character, world, and creature appearance, or that the characters all have to have a pre-determined actor in mind, you are quite simply very wrong. (It is very situational, true; some things may change at the request of a producer or director. But the first draft of a novel is never the same as what's published either)

Secondly: You seem to be doing a few things here. First implying that script in of itself is a genre (it isn't) and that no one wants to read them (they do). Not everyone likes completely OC-driven fanfiction, but that doesn't mean you can't post yours! If ShertbertFizz wants to write a script--even if it is completely broken at this point--she's free to put it here regardless of whether or not you personally fall into that "target audience"...a rediculous thing to assume exists a single collective in the first place, being that not all scripts are the same and just because I like the script to The Lion King doesn't mean I'll like the Hangover's (well, the early draft I read sucked anyway). Several scripts have been posted here--in proper or at least semi-proper format, though--and I was not the only one who read them.

I in no way contradicted what you're saying here about scripts and script format. Nowhere did I say or imply it's a different genre (it's a medium, not a genre). Script's can be dull to the general audience, that doesn't necessarily follow that they must be dull to a general audience and bare skeletal with nothing on it. The playwright Eugene O'Neill for example used extensive narrative style description in many of his scripts, that doesn't make him a bad writer, not in the least. And there are other scripts that follow other styles entirely; scriptwriters, like all writers, have a vast myriad of styles they work with. This is just my opinion, how I read scripts in order to make sense of them; habits I've developed within my theater based background where -get this- we deal with scripts, a lot. You're jumping to conclusions and pigeonholing my views, which are actually fairly moderate, and not anywhere near as outlandish as you seem to have interpreted them as. I understand you deal with scripts on a professional basis, and you have your methods and interpretations, which as far as I'm concerned are perfectly valid. This whole subject is awash in a swamp individual subjectivity, where unfortunately there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to look at things, just effective and ineffective ways.

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Forgive me for perhaps misreading but your "it should be written the way the audience wants to read it" seemed to very much imply saying that people should not post scripts here because "the audience" is not interested in reading them. Those were the only two points in your entire post that I actually made a comment on, so why don't we stop considering everything here to be a massive personal attack instead of comments elaborating and discussing the points being made? <3

or we could continue to spam italics and argue semantics about "right" and "wrong" somehow meaning something other than "effective" and "ineffective"

Also, don't you just do theatre lighting? That is not approaching the script as an audience member, but a crew member. And you're babbling on about how the audience member will percieve things, but then around and go WELL IT'S JUST MY OPINIUNS NURR. What, exactly, are you even trying to say anymore? Respond with an actual comment that isn't a wall of butthurt, please

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Forgive me for perhaps misreading but your "it should be written the way the audience wants to read it" seemed to very much imply saying that people should not post scripts here because "the audience" is not interested in reading them. Those were the only two points in your entire post that I actually made a comment on, so why don't we stop considering everything here to be a massive personal attack instead of comments elaborating and discussing the points being made? <3

or we could continue to spam italics and argue semantics about "right" and "wrong" somehow meaning something other than "effective" and "ineffective"

Also, don't you just do theatre lighting? That is not approaching the script as an audience member, but a crew member. And you're babbling on about how the audience member will percieve things, but then around and go WELL IT'S JUST MY OPINIUNS NURR. What, exactly, are you even trying to say anymore? Respond with an actual comment that isn't a wall of butthurt, please

Well excuse me if I'd rather not be plowed into a corner by a habitual debater. Let a guy clarify himself if you insist on dragging his words into far reaches they weren't ever meant to go in the first place, without the nerve to brand it "butthurt" if we're going to keep away from ad hominem sniping.

Yes I do the lighting, among a few other things. The college courses I take at this theater department are comprehensive and all-encompassing; they make a big deal about everyone being familiar with all aspects. Theatrical stage lighting designers, as well as all theatrical designers for that matter, are expected to have a solid grasp of script reading and script analysis. So even though I work the crews, do the dumb dumb work, I know my shit.

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oh jesus christ calm your tits

"Habitual debater"? I'm not debating anything. First I gave a bit of advice to Sherbert on screen formatting programs, and then suggested other writers try screenwriting because it's fun and makes you look at stories differently. However, I actually walked into this topic after you, for the millionth time, cried that someone wasn't paying enough attention to your fanfiction and now once more you've flown into a self-righteous tangent because people interpret things differently than you do

Please point out where I was not being civil, other than the butthurt comment I guess but that came well after the actual butthurt

Instead of explaining what you actually meant to say you're now just sitting here screaming about how awesome you are because you do stage lighting and I guess because you have some sort of "professional knowledge" that means you and only you are allowed to make an observation on something even if other parties have professional knowledge too in the actual field of writing. But I'm not actually sitting here saying LOOK AT ME GUYS I'M A WRITER I KNOW EVERYTHING, I'm using real examples and real scripts and trying to explain what actually goes into screenwriting (particularily in response to Xort, who actually asked me to reply as such, and if anything my standpoint here is partially as a writer but mostly as someone who actually likes reading scripts) while the only reason you came into this topic--funny how you have no qualm with the rest of the forum members bitching at a thirteen year old for her goofy fanfic, but go into a frothing fury at an educated and particularily unoffensive response, by the way--was to cry about how SherbertFizz's fanfiction is getting more attention than yours.

Grow up.

edit: Forgot to mention Die Hard in my "scripts you should read" list. I laughed out loud at the action description itself several times.

edit 2: Because I'm not expecting much here I'll decide to do some work and make this easier for you.

You seem to be doing a few things here.

Is what followed this what offended you? Did you miss the part where I wrote "seem"? The thing about writers is that they put words there intentionally. If you did not mean what I thought you meant, saying that instead of bawling for two paragraphs about how I'm "pigeonholing your views" and being "ineffective" and using lots of italics would have probably been the ideal way of going about this.

I guess you also missed the part where I clearly said "forgive me if I misinterpreted". But no, I'm Hitler again. Oops.

edit3: lots of edits i've been up since 4am shoosh i forget a lot. I ALSO want to point out that I NEVER IMPLIED that you doing lighting means you know nothing about scripts. But you go from talking about "as an audience member I feel that blah blah" and then start going on about WELL THIS IS JUST MY OPINION AS A ~THEATRE PROFESSIONAL~. It makes your standpoint confusing and it makes you seem (there's that word again) like you're just trying to one-up people at this point.

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Maybe I was a little shortsighted to call attention to my writing, but I left there, made no more deal about, and moved on. I figured I'd get in on the discussion, and so I did.

If the foul post still offends you so, I can go edit it out, or arrange to have it erased.

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