Starfox Genesis

[TCPeppyTc]

This is a fanfic I worked on to tell the story of Starfox 64. I hope you enjoy it.


Chapter 1.


Oikonny Hall was a hive of activity . The elaborately gilded, ornamented building was paying host to the annual " Cornerian Sun" awards, recognizing a Significant Cornerian. Scientists, Generals, Musicians, Philanthropists, all were in attendence. Who would tonights recipient be? everyone wondered. Could it be the celebrated Scientist Andross Oikonny? He was sitting in his own box seat, a big broad shouldered ape with grey slicked back hair and a neat grey beard. He had been the recipient for the past five years, due to his ground breaking work in medicine and Cornerian military technology. It was largely due to him, that Corneria was as advanced as it was.

Would Victor Phoenix be the winner? The distinguished Vulpine diplomat had recently brought an end to the ancient Fichina/ Fortuna conflict, bringing clarity and peace to millions.
Yet another expected Candidate was singer/song writer Furri Hendrix. His recent hit single " Starfoxy- Lady" had been widely hailed as a musical breakthru.
The entire crowd held their breath as Colonol Pepper, a saggy faced bull dog officer made his way to the podium on stage. One could hear a pin drop as the bulldog positioned himself and looked somberly at his audience. " Good evening ladies and gentlemen." he began. " Distinguished and honored guests, thank you for coming tonight. Rarely is there any occasion where such a concentration of brilliance, courage, and humanitarian impulse is gathered together. Though only one of can receive the "Sun" all of you are winners!" This was greeted with applause.

Pepper held his paw until the great hall was filled with silence " The recipients of this years " Cornerian Sun" award need little introduction. They have captured the hearts and headlines of Corneria for the past three years. For the past three years they have successfully dealt with the Titanian Nationalists, defended our planet from the forces of Krischania, and put an end to thousands of space pirate gangs. Would team Starfox, step forward please!" In the midst of thunderous cheers and applause, three figures made their way down the aisle. A Fox strode confidently forward, trailed by a more timid Pig and Rabbit. In contrast to the elegently dressed guests, team starfox wore their brown and grey flight jackets, their combat boots, and scarves. "Their Flight Suits!" an elegent antelope whispered to her haughty alpaca friend. "Can you imagine?"
The Fox led his team up the stage stairs and to the podium.

The Colonol beamed at all of them beneath his wrinkles. " James Mccloud, Peppy Hare, Pigma Dengar, for your courage, skill, and dedication, I am pleased to present you with the Cornerian Sun !" As the applause rose again, Pepper handed James the award, a small marble pillar topped by a silver sunlike orb. " Thank you sir!" James said eagerly, shaking the colonel's hand. With a subtle snap of his fingers, Peppy and Pigma flanked him, looking onto the crowd with stoic, sweaty faces. " Well hello Coreneria!" James exclaimed. " We are honored and humbled by this award. It's been a real trip serving to you fine people. Though things for us , have gotten pretty tough and hairy at times, the thoughts of the Cornerian people have kept us going. Always know you will be safe. Always know, youll have a friend in Starfox!"

James showed off the award ( along with a wink and a grin) to the audience, and basked in their approval and adulation.The crowds approval eventually got Pigma and Peppy to ease up and show off their ownflashy poses. While James was the most at ease, all three members felt ecstatic at this moment. All three grabbed paws and held them high for all to see. Nothing could distract them from the crowd's approval and reverence. Not even the hard, pensive, green eyed stare of Andross Okionny.

[Vulvokunvrii]

Well, minus spelling erros, I think it sounds alright-keep it up!

[ballisticwaffles]

A story that doesn't pen Andross immediately as Hitler incarnated into a baby punting rape ape? My god, Genius!

[TCPeppyTc]

Well not yet he's not anyway....

[Vulvokunvrii]

Can't wait to see what else you'll cook up. I might need to get back to my "current" fanfic....I threw it in stasis for a while. Im thinking of redoing some oif it. Ill think about it.

[TCPeppyTc]

Go for it. What is it about? Any specific likes dislikes about this one? Scale of 1-10?

[Vulvokunvrii]

Go for it. What is it about? Any specific likes dislikes about this one? Scale of 1-10?

On a scale from 1-10, I give it a 10. Its very very great! Again: "Minus the spelling errors, its great!"

I'll pm you about the fanfic I started a while ago. Its sort of long.

[ballisticwaffles]

i need moar. Thats my only complaint

[chaos_Leader]

i need moar. Thats my only complaint

I second this, mostly because I have no idea what to make of the story at this early stage. There simply isn't a whole lot on the table to look at right now.

[TCPeppyTc]

Chapter 2.

StarFox had their shining moment! James led his teammates back to their seats, shaking hands, high fiving, and blowing kisses all the way. After more MCS gave out lesser awards the ceremony was over. Colonel Pepper then led the team back stage. He took off his hat and wiped his brow. "Well congradulations, Starfox! here's to a job well done!" Pepper exclaimed enthusiastically. "Yeah! up high gramps!" James said mischievisouly. Pepper gave perplexed look.
" Errm.... yes.. high-five!" he weakly held up his hand next to James' and completed an awkward high five. Pigma who was hanging against the backstage door, flashed a smile at James.
" Thank you so much Colonel!" said Peppy shaking the bulldogs hand. " We cannot thank you enough for helping us get this far!"
" No thank you my boy! Without you, I shudder to think what would have befallen our planet!"
He looked them all over reflectivly.

" It sounds so silly now, but I really took a chance taking you on. I put my reputation and military future on the line, when I pleaded your case to the general staff! Who would have believed that sponsoring space mercenaries would contribute to such victories! You delivered my boys, you really did!" He pulled James and Peppy into a close hug, while Pigma watched on from his corner.

" Magnificent off the cuff speech James! Trusted your instincts eh?" James flashed a nod and smile. " We really would have been toast without him sir." Peppy said humbly.
" Well I wish I could say the hard part is over. It isn't" Pepper sighed. " You just spoke to the crowd, and now you must mingle with them!"
" Hah! you call that hard?" Pigma said with a sneer. " Didja see us Pepper? We were a hit! The hard part'll be keepin' those rich shmucks off of us!" Pepper let out a mournful sigh.
" Starfox, Corneria is deeply in your debt, but you may find yourselves.... among this crowd anyway..... out of place. These are the elite.Many have come from Corneria's finest schools and er.."finest" families. You will find some admirers, but others may resent your presence. Starfox, please be careful!" "James!"

[TCPeppyTc]

Chapter 2. Team StarFox had it made. Finally after years as mercenaries they were part of high society if only for a night. They finally would be living in fame and luxury, the way they always wanted. " We Did it Jimmy!" Pigma whispered to James as they walked toward the atrium door." We're the best! I always knew, the minute I joined you and Peppy I was joining the best people on Corenria!"

[TCPeppyTc]

The minute they stepped into the foyer, team Starfox were up to their furry ears in admirers. Everyone seemed to want to speak with them, shake their paw, touch their sleeves, anything to get in contact with them. One older Iguana woman happened to take in interest in Peppy. " So, your quite the flier huh, big guy" she purred as she batted her heavily purpled mascara eyelids at him.

" Oh uh yes ma'am." Peppy said masking his discomfort.

" Back on Krischania.. I... I flew loops all round em Ill tell you hwat..." Out of the corner of his eye he noticed James living it up with Furry Hendrix and two vixens, one purple, and one beige. If only he could join him....

He had it " Excuse me ma'am I have to get my team together. Big photo shoot you know how it is..." With that he made his way over to James and his entourage. " Peppy Hare, get the hell over here!" James said grabbing his friend by the shoulder. " Furri, girls, this here's my main man, Peppy Hare. Without him, we wouldn't even be having this little shindig" Peppy relaxed and felt warm inside. Thank goodness for the good company! The feeling lasted until Peppy noticed Pigma Dengar out of the corner of his eye. Pigma was sitting at the bar, being a little too friendly with a turqouise peacock avian, in a blue dress.

" Come on Babe, whatsa matter?!" Pigma belched indignantly. " Im parta freakin Starfox. The best in the galaxy. Chicks love the best. Ill treat ya right!"

As he reached out to grab her arm James rushed forward and pinned it to his back.

" Sorry miss" said James as the peacock ran off in disgust.

" Well, well team starfox shows its true colors." said a snide prickly voice. It was Victor Phoenix, a well dressed vulpine in his mid forties.

" Im so sorry Mr. Phoenix" said James " Our friend here is completly out of line, and I...

" Im talking about all of you!" Victor snarled. " The Cornerian Sun" award is for thinkers! intellectuals! people of consequence!" Victor smiled coldly. " And what are you? Action heroes, video game characters, gutter trash that Pepper swept up to advance his own pitiful career."

James stood up and looked him dead in the eye. " We've saved this planet more times than you can-

" Saved!" Victor hissed. " General Thaddeus saved us! you were the glitz and tinsel of his battle ships you miserable!...."

" Is there a problem Victor?" a deep, smooth voice inquired. The four animals looked behind them and saw the tall, imposing figure of Andross Okionny. While his face was calm, his green eyes looked furious and were staring straight at Phoenix. " Why Dr. Andross.... not at all.... SImply congradulating our young heroes..." " If I didn't know better" Andross said coldly " I would say that I just heard you grievously insulting tonights guests of honor."

" Insult?" Phoenix said evasivly. " Why no.. I was merely...You must have misheard me..."

Andross gazed silently for a moment. " Take care I do not mishear you again, or I may decide your campaign is no longer worth my sponsorship." Looking perturbed, Victor hastened away to join a group of sophisticated cheetahs and flamingos.

Andross sighed. " My humblest apologies" he said addressing team Starfox. " Victor, along with many of tonights guests envy you. Let them. Envy is the tribute mediocrity pays to greatness." Andross sat at the bar and motioned for a drink. " Your honor is well deserved."

" Thank you Dr. Andross" said Peppy feeling himself sweat again. " Though Im really surprised the honor wasn't yours again! What with your accomplishments.... cancer cure..... irrigation of Titania... "

" You invented Gold and Silver rings!" James interjected. " Without those we would have been dead meat." Andross waved a brown leathery hand

"Time to pass the torch! All my innovations would have been for nought if you three hadnt been there to defend them!" Andross took his drink, took a long sip and looked all three of them over.

" Now let me tell you something..... a little future advice from one sun recipient to another." All three members watched him with anticipation. Andross smiled " Always be the best. Let nothing and no one stand in your way! I did not get to be where I am by following the "rules". I acted." Andross paused for effect. " I worked my way from nothing, scraped and saved my way thourgh science school. I have taken risks, pushed the very limits and boundaries of science!!... and have reaped handsome rewards. Rewards which you may one day have..." He smiled at them. " Keep your team together. Score more victories, tighten your grip on the Cornerian people's hearts! Soon you will find that nothing is denied to you. Not wealth, not power, not respect.." His green eyes darted to Pigma " Not even women!"

He stood up and handed them three cards from his coat pocket. "Remember boys, we are of a different breed. We are the movers, shakers, the gods of this world! Give old Uncle Andross a call any time you need work. I assure you, I pay handsomly.."

" Now sir." Peppy started. " We can't promise anything just yet we, well we.." Andross held up a finger

" You needn't do anything you don't want to. Im only saying the offers on the table. Now back to the party with you! I shouldn't keep you all to myself!"

[Gestalt]

The story, so far, gets an A+ BUT it does no good for me to just say that here's why I think so:

You are a master of dialogue, as the conversations seem rather natural. There are no sudden, incoherent rambling. MOST importantly, great characterization, never once did I feel the characters were...well out of character

However, I sense you crave for constructive criticism, so this is all I have to offer...

What you really need is EYECANDY...its not required but it adds a sense of professionalism. When people open up a fanfic they often scan over it because it will take up too much of their time. So by making subtle changes you can take a great story and make it an Epic Tale. Here let us use this paragraph for an example...

Here we have one huge block of unsightly dialogue:

" Come on Babe, whatsa matter?!" Pigma belched indignantly. " I’m parta freakin Starfox. The best in the galaxy. Chicks love the best. Ill treat ya right!" As he reached out to grab her arm James rushed forward and pinned it to his back. " Sorry miss" said James as the peacock ran off in disgust. " Well, well team starfox shows its true colors." said a snide prickly voice. It was Victor Phoenix, a well dressed vulpine in his mid forties. " I’m so sorry Mr. Phoenix" said James " Our friend here is completly out of line, and I... " Im talking about all of you! "Victor snarled. " The Cornerian Sun" award is for thinkers! intellectuals! people of consequence!" Victor smiled coldly. " And what are you? Action heroes, video game characters, gutter trash that Pepper swept up to advance his own pitiful career." James stood up and looked him dead in the eye. " We've saved this planet more times than you can- " Saved!" Victor hissed. " Admiral Thaddeus saved us! you were the glitz and tinsel of his battle ships you miserable!...."

You need to give each character room to breathe so to speak. Each time there is a new line of dialogue hit enter …like so:

“Come on Babe, whatsa matter?" Pigma belched indignantly. “I’m parta freakin’ Star fox. The best in the galaxy. Chicks love the best. I’ll treat ya right!" As he reached out to grab her arm, James rushed forward and pinned it to his back.

“Sorry miss" said James as the peacock ran off in disgust.

"Well, well team star fox shows its true colors," said a snide prickly voice. It was Victor Phoenix, a well dressed vulpine in his mid forties.

"I’m so sorry Mr. Phoenix," said James “Our friend here is completely out of line, and I...

"I’m talking about all of you!†Victor snarled. “The Cornerian Sun" award is for thinkers, Intellectuals, People of consequence!" Victor smiled coldly. "And what are you? Action heroes, video game characters, gutter trash that Pepper swept up to advance his own pitiful career."

James stood up and looked him dead in the eye. "We've saved this planet more times than you can-†Saved!" Victor hissed. "Admiral Thaddeus saved us! You were the glitz and tinsel of his battle ships you miserable..."

Now this may seem a trivial mistake but it helps the reader flow through the story especially during action scenes.

Other than that, I look forward to readying more. If you ever need, a spell check and/or format check before you post then just give me a PM and I’ll see what I can do.

[Drasiana]

Hey TcPeppy, I've finally given this a glance and here are my thoughts so far.

This is actually pretty good! There are a couple of little gripes so far, which I'll touch on briefly because they're actually mostly just technical issues, rather than story ones.

-Your chapters are really short. My advice is, at this stage, to actually not worry about chapters. Not every book needs or has them and making yourself think in terms of chapters sometimes just doesn't work. If you're going to submit it to fanfiction.net at some point or something, just split the chapters up at natural breaks and cliffhangers. A couple paragraphs so far isn't really much of a full chapter. In fact, I'd consider everything you posted so far little more than a single scene or two.

-There's a few punctuation blips; make sure you remember your apostrophes. When a new character begins to talk, put in a new paragraph. You put spaces after your quotation marks, which aren't necessary.

-A few typos here too, ie. "Coreneria" and "Okionny", just proofread

-It doesn't hurt to be a little more descriptive or colourful. You'll get more comfortable with this and your tone of voice when writing the longer you do it; don't be afraid to add a little pizazz to your descriptions. For instance, your very first paragraph:

Oikonny Hall was a hive of activity tonight. The gilded, elaborate building was paying host to the annual " Cornerian Sun" awards, which annually recognized the accomplishments of a talented Cornerian. Scientists, Generals, Musicians, Philanthropists, the very cream of Cornerian society was gathered together. Who would tonights recipient be? everyone wondered. Could it be the celebrated Scientist Andross Oikonny? He was sitting in his own box seat, a big broad shouldered ape with grey slicked back hair and a neat grey beard. He had been the recipient for the past five years, due to his ground breaking work in medicine, and Cornerian military technology.

I think this goes by too quickly, and I think the problem is you do a lot of showing rather than telling. For example you tell us point blank that Andross is a five-time winner of the award, but you could reveal this through other characters instead for more dramatic effect.

Think about how you see the scene unfolding and structure your description according to that. With this first paragraph alone (which would hopefully become several paragraphs with the added description), I would personally take this route:

-Description of the outside of Oikonny Hall; an "establishing shot", if you will. The crowds entering, the banners, etc.

-Close on the attendees of the party, and their accomplishments. I imagine there are a lot of notable people here, so touching on them and the social atmosphere would help paint the picture. Instead of just saying "musicians, scientists, philosophers were there", put a face to those names. "It was a surreal event, where musical sensation Character #1 clinked champagne glasses with the aging General Other Character over a tray of fine cheese and grapes." Or something to that effect, you get the idea.

-The crowd moving into the auditorium; we see Andross, but don't know of his accomplishments until someone else speaks of them (ie. a media reporter, a bodyguard, a waiter, etc)

-Introduction of Victor, Star Fox and Pepper in a similar fashion

What you have now isn't bad, it just could use a bit more time. Same goes with the rest of the story. Don't rush! You have to build towards the reveals so the audience feels rewarded once they come.

What you have in terms of actual story isn't bad at all. We haven't seen much of the plot yet so I can't comment on it in whole, but I like where this is going. You've scored points as far as fanfiction goes right away with A: it being about canonical characters, B: it being a prequel that doesn't start with Fox and James having a father/son moment, C: painting Andross as a good guy (a personal weakness of mine).

Funny story, I love how you named Fara's dad Victor as that's always been the name I've used for him as well. I guess it suits him! You characterize him similarily too. Actually, I like your characterizations of all the characters so far. Particularily Andross. I'm very interested in him here; his stare after losing to Star Fox makes you think "uh-oh" but it's a nice reversal when he tells James to shove off. That's what I'm talking about in terms of showing rather than telling; you say a LOT about his character in those couple of moments, as you do with Pigma being a creep and James and Peppy's interactions. Keep this up while beefing up and elaborating your descriptions a little more and I think this is shaping up to be a rather fine fanfic.

[TCPeppyTc]

Thanks for this review Dras. It is really helpful. As to Fara's dad having that name and personality, I may have copied you somewhat. But then again, so have we both from nintendo!

I saw some of your art in arwing landing, including one of "Victor" as Cornerian president. However I just assumed " victor" was his name in the comic. As to his cold, waspish personality, and reaction to team Starfox, I sort of came up with that on my own, ( but see we have coincidental characterization.)

I didn't have to put victor in, it could have been any high falutin Cornerian socialite. I thought some cold sneering put down/ rejection, could serve as some vehicle for Andross ( a self made man) to know and get involved with Starfox. This interest/ connection, I feel would help explain his interest and knowledge of Vixy Mccloud, and give Pigma more of a reason to betray his teammates. At this point Andross isn't exactly a "good " guy. He is a ruthless, cunning, and ambitious person, who has some sense of philanthropy and civic duty. Sort of like an Andrew Carnegie. Or more fittingly a pre mad scientist Lex Luthor.

I will try to make it more thorough, and descriptive. I really did write just a scene or two. Now that I have more time with the holidays over, I think I can make spend time improving this. Sorry if creepy Pigma seemed a little too raw. You seem fine with it, but I just characterized him this way to show he never really "turned bad" he just was always an selfish opprotunist.

[Drasiana]

Oh haha. Nah I just made up Victor because he seemed like a "Victor" (also lol "victory" implications) but yeah I like the way you've handled him so far; you definitely seem to know what direction you want to go with the characters.

Don't worry too much about Pigma; your reasoning for how he is makes sense and I can't see him being any "nicer" than what we got. He always occurred to me as the tag-along member of the team. Perhaps he was somewhat skilled, and kind of a jerk; his betrayal was just an escalation of his being a jerk. It works.

[mjakob42]

...I like it!

I always wanted to see the story of Star Fox 64 told in more detail and more dramatically. Amongst the fanfic community of SFO, it's not a new or innovative idea, but it's really nice to see somebody taking a legitimate stab at it.

To be honest, I don't have too much to say that hasn't already been said - sure, a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there, but they're in no way bad enough to get under my skin so much that I'll go on a really Douchey rant about it. Your priority with this fanfic should be telling the story and getting it done, so get it done and worry about grammar and spelling afterwards.

I guess my big thing with this story is that I feel that it's moving too fast. I wish I had more time to paint the picture of the story in my head before moving on to the next chapter, which is something the story doesn't do too well. There's too much physical involvement going on and not enough emotion and psychology. My best example to give is when the Star Fox team is being given the Cornerian Sun award (which, by the way, I don't think needs quotation marks around it). Okay, in my head, I physically see them going on stage to get the award, but what are they feeling? I'd like to be able to feel the pride and indescribable honor they must be feeling (not to mention the rush) to be given this award. It's one of those things where you'd need to take a little bit of a poetic approach to truly generate "feel".

Also, this is a little nitpicky, but Andross orders a Manhattan. Okay, he's getting a drink, but (in a Cornerian's point of view) what does "Manhattan" mean? Is it a place? Person? They wouldn't know what Manhattan really is because it's not in their galaxy, so how did the drink get it's name in the Lylat System. Like I said, nitpicky, but maybe change that up a bit. I do understand, though - I know how easy it is to use Earth terms without taking too much thought.

Don't let this make you think that I don't like the story, because I did enjoy what I read! *It's a lot better than a lot of the stuff on SFO*. Just take these things into consideration. I give it an 8/10. I'll need to see the rest of the story to give it a higher rank (it's always hard to tell with the first couple of chapters), so please continue!

[chaos_Leader]

I apologise for not getting to this sooner. I'm normally very good about when people ask me to do these things, I've just been a little distracted lately. Sometimes writng does that to you.

I'd reitterate the points Dras and mjakob already brought up, they seem to be on top of things. It'd be a little bit dead horse beating at this point if I just echo them, so I won't.

The best things you can do for yourself is:

1) Practice. Keep right on writing, and you'll start noticing things you can do to make things that much better. You'll see yourself improve as you continue.

2) Read. Go look at other stories, other novels, watch tv programs, films, plays, even video games. Wherever there's a story to be told, lend and eye/ear to it. Take notes of the storytelling techniques used by your favorites, and see if you can find ways to incorporate them into your own style. I promise you this is one of the most effective ways to improve yourself.

If you're serious, I'd even reccomend practicing writing reviews. The mental process of writing a thoughtful response to something you've read will help you. It'll help you think about things, about what you liked, didn't like, about what you may have questions or insights for. Also, you can think about things not just from a writer's standpoint, but also a reader's.

That's what I got. I hope it's helpful to you.

Take care.

[TCPeppyTc]

Chapter 3 Starfox Genesis:

" Woo!" What a night!" James said as he arched his back. " Thank God thats over!"

" Heh you said it!" Pigma declared. " Freakin chump city back there!"

" I never want to shake another hand or have another picture taken.... ever again!"

Peppy said wearily. Team Starfox had just walked into their own exclusive parking garage.

As they walked forwad in the dark tunnel like garage, they came upon a red convertible emblazoned with an orange " Great Fox" logo on either side. " Hey Foxy" James called " ya miss me?" It was James' car, the " Foxy Flier." It a state of the art vehicle paid with just a fraction of StarFox's recent earnings. Complete with blue energy boosters and flux capacitor, it was James' pride and joy.

All three piled in, James in front, Peppy in shotgun, Pigma in the back seat. " All strapped in?" James asked putting on his shades as he looked in the rearview. " All set" Peppy replied with a wink, " Fire er up Captain!" James revved the engine, and with a bolt of blue energy, was out the garage, onto the highway of Corneria City. " We did it guys" James said, with one hand on the steering wheel. " Without you, there wouldn't be any award for Starfox." " Don't mention it Jim." Peppy replied. " Without you though we'd be toast. Your the greatest fighter on the team! Also,I don't know who wouldve given that speech if you weren't there.."

" Pepp come on!" James replied, as he riskily passed a flying orange truck. " I could always count on you saving my ass in a dogfight! Without you telling me to take it easy and not charge ahead, Ida been roadkill!"

" And who saved both yer asses?" Pigma asked , as he patted his hands on James and Peppy's headrests. " You Pigma!" said Peppy beaming. " Your hacking skillls and knowledge of enemy weaponry were most opprotune!"

" Most opprotune!" roared Pigma with laughter " Why thank you professa!" Both James and Pigma laughed as Peppy grinned sheepishly. " Nahh your alright buddy!" James said as he ruffled Peppys hair.

The whole team was quiet now,leaving Peppy to enjoy the view. The car had reached the verdant and mounatainous outskirts of the city, where one could get the best view of Corneria city. The capital looked especially beutiful from this far away, thought Peppy as his long ears swayed back and forth in the warm night breeze.

" You guys" James began. " I love you guys. But we may not all be crashing together for much longer." Im thinking of proposing to Vixy."

" Ah, thinking about getting yerself a new ball and chain huh Jim?" Pigma laughed. " Though I gotta say, she aint a bad ball and chain to have.....!"

" Pigma knock it off!" Peppy barked. " James..... are you really sure about this?" James' expression was unreadable as the streetlights danced off his sunglasses. Peppy had met James' girlfriends: avians, canines, vixens... But Vixy was something special. Cute face, long blonde hair, kind, pretty,and funny. She treated Peppy and Pigma like her own friends. She fit every possible requirement one could have for a wife. Happy as he was for his friend, Peppy couldn't help but feel a bit sad and empty. He didn't get dates nearly as much as James, and the few dates he liked never lasted long. When will my turn come? he thought to himself.

While lost in thought, James pulled the "Foxy Flier" into the driveway of their secluded, rustic home." Im telling you both, she's the one!" said James as he led the way to the door. " Well we're both happy for ya pal!" said Pigma as he followed him in. " Congradulations James!" said Peppy catching the door Pigma didnt hold. They made their way to the living room. A room with couches, a fire place, and large glass windows that looked out onto the mountains, forests, and crystal blue lake outside. " Now I know we're all beat, but we've got to see something. Take a seat!" said James as he sat on a black leather arm chair.

Pigma sat on a green plush easy chair, Peppy on an oaken rocking chair. James reached into his pocket and pulled out the 6 inch high marble pillar and silver orb.

" Check it out!" said James breathily as he slowly twirled the award. The lights reflected from it like a disco ball, on the walls, on James' sunglasses, on Pigmas covetous face, On Peppys admiring one. " Three years of hard work, of danger, of getting slow raise after slow raise.! We did it! We're the top dogs now!" " We're a hit!" Pigma said satisfactorily.

" We're the top a da heap! We're gonna make our own rules soon!" His small, watery eyes looked intently at James.

" This means we can be our own boss now! No more kissing Thaddeus' ass. We...did it! Ya know, we could always work for Andross. That richie'll have us set for life! Vixy will be set for life!"

James looked out the window deep in thought. " Now Pigma...Pigma" Peppy said clearing his throat. "Pigma....James.... I love Andross. He is without a doubt the most accomplished and influential Cornerian alive. I myself am amazed we got to talk to him." He took a deep breath. " However. We don't know what he wants us to do. His personal life is very private. Now Im not saying hes sketchy but.. and besides, the people love us, because of how we've helped them! How we've done heroic and good things! Now that we're heroes, we can't just go back to being well paid mercenaries of some billionaire! We..."

"Aw Give it a rest Pepp, Jesus!" said Pigma as he leaned back in his chair. " Just saying the guy sounds legit."

"Enough!" said James quietly but firmly. He was at the window gazing up at the starry night sky. " Its too late to be talking about this stuff. Let's hit the sack. Seriously."

[TCPeppyTc]

Chapter 4. StarFox Genesis.

Andross stood perfectly still in the marble floored elevator. The shiny silver doors, reflected his image as well as his mood. Triumph! He combed his thick wavy hair back, and adjusted his purple pocket handkerchief, looking dapper in his black buisness suit and green tie. The doors opend and Andross strode confidently into the Metal balcony of the 20th floor of the Cornerian defence department. He walked across the platform to a large metal bridge, where two stern looking German shepherd soldiers stood ready. Andross approached them as he reached for his ID.

" Dr. Andross. Pleased to see you. No ID necessary." The one on the left said. Move along".

Andross stepped through them onto the long metallic bridge, over the wide gasping chasm. The chasm was thousands of feet deep, leading deep into the Cornerian defence ministrys bowels. It might seem excessive to the casual observer, but Andross knew the Cornerian government spared no expense, when it came to the safety of it's leaders. They don't spend nearly enough, Andross mused to himself, as they have barely averted disaster, thanks to three ill bred mercenaries. As Andross continued to think his thoughts a high excited voice called out to him. " Hey Andross" Andross peered through the mist emanating around him to see a small figure at the end of the bridge.

It was a frog half his height, complete with thick black glasses, checkered pants, and disheveled lab coat. "Good to see you Beltino!" Andross called out in his deep booming voice. " Right on time I hope?" " We have ten minutes to spare!" The frog called out proudly. Andross crossed the threshold and gave Beltino a warm hug. The two scientists looked up and saw the large, metallic bunker, that was the forum for all engineering/ military matters. " So... uh Andross..." The frog began. " Where do we go in?.... what do we do?.... I mean I know what we do its just!" Andross placed his arm on Beltino's shoulder and fixed his green eyes on him. " Just follow my lead old friend" he said reassuringly.

They strode towards the doors, Andross striding confidently forward, and Beltino shuffling along, his deadfish hands hanging in front of him. " What is the project your pitching? " Andross asked casually. " A proposal" Beltion said, perking up." A proposal to desalinize lake Elenor..... on the opposite side of the planet.... its a key habitat of the large juwana fish..... And a clear source of energy..... I do hope the council will agree." " The council will agree." Said Andross flatly. "To your proposal as to mine." " What is yours Andross?" Beltino asked curiously. "Oohhh... you'll see soon enough" said Andross with a smirk. Andross walked toward the bunkers blue and red striped metallic door and squinted his eye forward. A thin blue beam shot out and focused on his eye. Then the door snapped open. As Andross strode forward through the dark hall, he could hear Beltino chattering his teeth. "Steady old boy......" Andross murmured without turning around. " Just as you told the master scientists... Nothing can go wrong..." They crossed the threshold into a brightly lit meeting room.

The two scientists were surrounded by imposing faces, of the various generals and politicians who were called upon to attend this meeting. In the center of the metallic semicircle was the Cornerian coat of arms: a red outline of the planet Corneria orbited by a red fighter pilot, leaving a long stream of exhaust. Up above the coat of arms was seated the chairman of the meeting: Chief of the Cornerian general staff, a big rhinoceros named General Thaddeus. He was bedecked in the uniform of a Cornerian General: a red jacket, black bandalier, and red and black generals cap, complete with medals from his long years of service. His brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed as he saw the two of them.

" Andross good to see you!" called an smooth, arrogant voice. " And you too Dr. uh...Toad." It was that of the President, Miles Lynx, seated directly at Thaddeus' right hand. Although he was the president,he was second in command in military councils.

" Great you could come my friend" he went on. " As you well know, the Cornerian state and society are deeply indebted to your efforts. Thanks to you we have developed cures for most diseases, made huge advancements in engineering, strengthed our army and conquered most of the Lylat system..." At this the general gave a derisive snort. " I am sure I speak for everyone here." Lynx continued," that whatever you have to propose today, we'll make happen!" There was a loud muttering of agreement and visible head nodding from the crowd.

" What do you propose Doctor?" Thaddeus asked in a gruff manner. Andross grinned broadly at him. " My dear Robert...something that will make your already powerful army the pride of the universe!" As Beltino took a seat next to Colonel Pepper, Andross strode toward the center, to pitch his project.

" General Thaddeus... Mr. President... distinguished politicians and members of the general staff...." Andross began. " I am deeply thankful of the support and I have received from you in the past. With my ideas, and your willingness to act on them, we have made Corneria the ruler of the Lylat system. Peace, and prosperity reign thanks to our scientists, our wise leaders, and the brave men and women of the armed forces, who sacrificed so much to defend it. But who knows what new threats we may face? What if our army, is not enough?" Andross paused. " Colonel Pepper, without "Starfox" would you be here today? Would Corneria still be free today?" Thaddeus growled, his grim face becoming grimmer. " Why Dr. Andross..." Pepper began. " They certainly didn't hurt..... though our army is quite....." " At the very least" said Andross, slowly approaching the president, and ignoring Pepper, " At the very least it would have been an uphill battle against the Titanian nationalists... Who knows how much longer Starfox can keep saving the day?" "But fear not" he declared, pulling out a black remote. " I have designed something to make starfox seem like first year recruits in the Bull dog unit."

He flipped a switch on and a giant green monster came leaping out. " Calm down, its just a hologram" Andross said casually as some of the board let out gasps of fear. " Behold.... the bio weapon: A genetically engineered monster for the purposes of war. Viscious, tough, and as strong as any battle ship. Gentlemen, what will be the price?" Andross asked as the vision jumped back into the remote. Beltino was gazing in awe at Andross, as were most of the board. Thaddeus looked offended, Miles, apologetic and pitying. " Dr. Andross" Miles Lynx began.." This clearly is a work of brilliance...... But Im not sure its needed at this time." What do you mean" asked Andross calmy, his voice not betraying his feelings. "This seems extremly expensive... hehe sorry...and impractical...." Said the president. " We also don't know what would happen, if that thing ever escaped."

" It just doesnt make sense." General Thaddeus growled. " The galaxy is at peace. Our army is strong. We have no real threats to our planet anymore." He looked at Andross. " Doctor, you have been an enormous help to our planet, but I agree, this just is not needed." Andross stared coldly back. " I also feel we need more and different scientists contracted. Your good Andross, but maybe too good. We don't want to have only one person to provide firepower!" " Yes .... as they say... " said Miles Lynx looking flusterd and uncomfortable. " Can't put all your eggs in one basket.... We love your talent doctor.... but perhaps we should diversify....."

" Come to think of it!" said Thaddeus, " We on the general staff have been debating for some time now, but have come to this conclusion. We need to cut back on military spending. It's getting excessive and quite frankly unnecessary. We plan on voicing our concerns to Congress as soon as we can" " General.... Mr. President." said Andross in a voice of deadly calm. " If my military innovations are no longer of service... what would you have me do?" " Well... perhaps more... peaceful pursuits." Miles said folding his palms. " Our new galactic colonies need restoration, refurbishment, for the eventual colonizers? I am sure we can find something for you... "

" Moving on" Thaddeus barked ruffling his papers. " Dr. Toad..... You have a proposal about desalinizing?" Beltino shiverred and nodded his head. " Well come on up." The general said not unkindly.

Beltino's presentation went magnificently, as he had tried so hard beforehand. Andross barely noticed however as he seethed through the entire thing. If they dont accept my project soon... If they insist on relegating me to childs play... Andross thought to himself. They may have another threat soon enough. One that not even Starfox can stop!

more 2 com

Edited March 30, 2012 by TCPeppyTc

[TCPeppyTc]

Chapter 5.

Peppy sat nervously in his chair, in between James and Pigma. The large imposing figure behind the oaken desk was General Robert Thaddeus, commander of the Cornerian army and their employer. A pair of specatacles rested on his snout just above his uppermost horn. He was reading Starfox's kill count report from the Krischanian campaign. Outside the Generals office window was a large field, where Cornerian soldiers could clearly be seen drilling and marching. " Well.... well..." Thaddeus rumbled after a long pause. Peppy wondered what the general thought, but knew well enough not to ask. Three years of service had taught Peppy the general was not a man to be provoked. Thaddeus looked up from the report and fixed his hard gaze on the team members.

" Well done boys. Another menace to Corneria defeated, in a good part because of you! Thats 3000 kills total, plus some bosses.... Seems Pepper continues to be right about you three. Your payment is three million total." "Three million!" exclaimed James in a tone of disbelief. " Is there a problem son?" asked the general with a raised eyebrow. James folded his hands and tried to adopt the most polite tone he could. " Sir. We appreciate the payment. We only wish it could be a little more. Our jobs have gotten harder, our lifestyles are getting more demanding..."

" The Great Fox's repairs are subsidized. The Arwings too." Said the general curtly. " Tell me Mccloud, why will a three million dollar payment force Team Starfox to live on the streets?"

" It wont sir." Said James with a tinge of frustration. " We just feel, what with all our effort, the increasing danger of our jobs.... and the recognition we have brought to the army in addition to our services." James took a deep breath. " Because of this, we woudl like a raise." The General took off his glasses and folded his hands. " A raise." He said after a long pause

" Yes sir" said Pigma. " We knew it was in the works, but just asked to be nice and formal and all." Peppy flinched after hearing this.

" A raise. " the general repeated. " And how many millions will it be?"

" Well general, howbout it?" Pigma continued " We each killed twice as many ships as durin the Titanian war, so how about 9 million? 3 million each?" Thaddeus took a rumbling breath. " I can't pay you any more than what I have already offered. No matter what else you do.

" Sir.. general... please" said James desperatly. Thaddeus held up a massive grey hand. " Now listen to me all of you! You enlisted to serve the army! The army, not the film and music studios! You might be Cornerian Sun winners. But you , like it or not, soldiers, serving under my command! Now I know how talented you are, how many lives you have saved. I admire your heroism as much as the next man. But lets get this clear. Now!" Thaddeus said as he stood up and placed his hands on the desk. " I didnt want to take you in at first. Because this might happen. Because I didn't want my boys to have be in the shadow of some hot-shots. The Cornerian army is your employer. It is not your agent, not your promoter. I am honored by your aid and participation, but will not have some hot shot mercenaries be payed more than officers, let alone fellow pilots. I"

" But sir" said Pigma, not getting it. " We're gettin pretty strapped for cash.....

" Mow a lawn!" the general roared. " Wash a car! Shine a shoe! Do some honest work!" Thaddeus heaved and grunted and focused his gaze on Peppy." You. Hare!" he growled, as Peppys stomach squirmed in distress. " Dont you have something to say about this!?" Peppy gulped, and flushed under his fur, praying he'd say the right thing. " S-Sir" he began. " Thank you for continuing to support my team. We are very grateful for your sponsorship, and happy to defend Corneria against all its enemies. I will not openly contradict my leader, but also accept your payment happily. Our success is due thanks to you and the general staff's open mind." Peppy was saying all of this without making eyecontact, when he looked up he saw the generals face was impassive. Then it broke into a satisfied smile. " You see this!" he asked James and Pigma. " If you want to get far in life, youll need to act like your friend here." Peppy blushed as James and Pigma stared at him in disbelief. " Dismissed" The general said as he went back to his papers.

[TCPeppyTc]

Team Starfox walked out of Thaddeus' office into the bustling Cornerian command center. Officers in crisp unifroms strode briskly by, sqauads of soldiers jogged in formation. formation the exact oppossite of the three rougeish mercenaries. James strode ahead shades on, and a sour look on his face. " That piece of shit...... after everything we did for him... for our planet...! And now we're going to be stuck in this forever?!" " James.... Im sorry". Peppy said, . " I mean I'd like more money... we all would. But we have a good deal here.... We're still famous, the people love us..... it's only a matter of time before we get our own tv show and video game series haha..." Peppy lughter died off as he saw James wasn't having any of it. " Peppy, if we want real cash, real advancement, we can't keep flying for Corneria. If something doesnt change soon we're gonna need to find someting else." " James... we have a lot" Peppy said with a befuddled expression. " We have our great house, great parties, great cars... what else.."

" I want more!" James snarled, baring his fangs. " I want to be better! I want to give Vixy and our family all they could want.When I first joined with you Peppy I dreamed of being on top, and Im almost there! I don't want to spend the rest of my life being some asshole's errand boy!" "There is a solution old buddy old pal!" Pigma said with a smirk. " And you know what it is!" " Working for Andross huh buddy?" said James thoughtfully. " Maybe. He seemed to think we kicked tail. If we found out what he was paying... What kind of job.... " He appreciated us." Pigma whispered. " He's our meal ticket... for anything." The team stopped. Pigma's small watery eyes, and James shaded ones were fixed, Peppy shunted to the side. James nodded. " Team, we have our next mission." Peppy shuddred in shock. " James... Pigma..... this is too hasty." " Shut up" Pigma said casually.

" What do we say to Pepper? The dog who made us famous, who always treated us so well? The army is great, and has done so much good! Just because we're not billionaires doesn't mean we should turn our back on them adn everything theyve stood for! I know Thaddeus is a pain, but he's always been fair to us. James whipped off his sunglasses and looked hatefully at Peppy. " Pigma and I are talking to Andross. Depending on what he says we will work for him. Stay here if you want." Pigma and James strode ahead out the sliding glass doors leaving Peppy standing by himself. With a gulp and feeling of unease Peppy hurried out the door after them.

[TCPeppyTc]

Andross was lost in thought. He was seated in his luxurious office at Oikkicorp, the leading technology firm on Corneria, just one of Andross' many projects. Seated at his polished teak desk he gazed out his window, into the evening sunlight reflected off the Cornerian skyscrapers. So much work.... so much effort.... and for what? He knew the good he had done, how much he had achieved,now he was stymied, halted by the very people who were most in debt to him! Andross clenched his fist in anger at the thought of it all.

He took the glass ape statuette on his desk and flung it against the wall in anger, at precisley the same moment his door opened. "What is it!" he snarled. It was his receptionist, a brown monkey with red hair and a long tail. She looked terrified. " Penny, I am so sorry." Andross said smoothly. " Just a stressful day, thats all. You know how it is." " Oh hehhehe no problem." Penny said nervously. " You have a visitor, but he doesn't have an appointment"

" James Mccloud doctor. Good to see you again." It was James. He gave a quick wink at Penny at walked in front of Andross' desk.

" Why hello James. Long time no see" said Andross with a smile. " You are quite the bold one. Pray what brings you here." James took off his sunglasses and looked at Andross with frustration. " Money, a better deal." " I could certainly provide that." Andross said, his hands folded pensivly.

" But where are your friends? Have they anything to say about this?"

" Their in the waiting room." Said James scornfully.

" Guess they think they need to wait their turn." Andross sat in stunned silence.

" Well they couldn't be more wrong. Penny!" he called in a sharp tone. " There is a pig and a rabbit in the waiting room. Please invite them in." Penny scuttled off to do as she was bidden. " You clearly are a leader James. Much as I admire you though, it would be unwise to discuss anything without your team present." Peppy and Pigma soon appeared escorted by Penny. " Doctor Andross, thank you for taking the time to see us!" Peppy began. " Im sorry it was on such short notice. normally we never woul-" " It's quite allright!" said Andross with a patronizing smile and a wave of his hand. " After all you have done for this planet, one unscheduled appointment is the least you deserve! Ive been told by your leader that you are looking, perhaps for a new job? I can't possibly see why though. Surely Thaddeus is paying you well?"

"Hes not!" said James angrily. " After we nearly killed ourselves on that Titania mission, he's capping our pay at 3 million. Forever! Doctor, at that ceremony you believed in us, you said how great we were, what opprotunities you could give us." Andross smiled.

" As it happens I have plenty of opprotunities for you. I am need of some young and powerful fighters. For the lightest job I could start you out at five milion apiece!"

"What sort of jobs would you want us to do?" Peppy asked. " Whatever job I need done. I wouldn't worry about it now." Andross replied smoothly. " I would accpet my offer. You will find me a more appreciative empolyer than Thaddeus and the president. They may not remain in power for much longer."

"You mean the president will loose the next election?" Asked Peppy. Andross ignored him and walked to his large spacious windows. " It is all hopeless." Andross sighed, his back turned to the team. "The government, this system, this " democracy" is all useless. All it's good for is stifling genius. You, me, so many other great minds have been stymied, by these small little people." " So, your gonna be our new king or something?" James asked with a smirk. " I would love to be." Andross replied, turning around. " I would love any of you to be. What this planet needs is some powerful, intelligent animal to make things right."

" But I digress." Andross said after a moments pause. " Merely giving voice to hopes and dreams. Now for the matter at hand. Oikkicorp has been scouting for unobtanium. " The indestructable metal, used for buildings and weapons?" Peppy interjected. " Indeed! My mining ships will be leaving soon, to collect it from Macbeth. But we need protection from space pirates. Who could better protect my ships than Team Starfox?" " How much we gettin paid again doc?" Pigma asked licking his lips. " Five million apiece you greedy boy!" Andross said beaming.

" Now hold up hold up!" Said Peppy. James scowled and rolled his eyes. Pigma shot him the dirtiest look ever. " Yes Peppy? What could the trouble be?" Andross asked with a rigid smile. "Well we all could use extra monet.... but who will protect Corneria while we are gone? We only barely saved the day when the Krischanians attacked, we don't know what could come next. Doctor, if you have a mission closer to home, uh, I think we'd prefer that." For a moment Peppy thought he saw a look of utmost hatred in Andross. He must have imagined it because Andross' expression was smooth and pleasent with his next statement. "Peppy, you stuffy little scholar." He said soothingly. " The wars are over. Thanks to you and your friends Corneria is safe. If there are any threats at all, The army is more than capable of handling them. This is a light task with extraordinay reward." " I still think-" Peppy began.

Andross knealt down to Peppy's height. He then placed a hand on Peppys shoulder, digging into it with a claw. " Your leader is getting married. A child will soon come. You are at the cusp of success, all of you. Do not weigh down your teammates for nothing. Please agree. I need all three of you!"

Peppy felt trapped. Andross' eyes were burning into his soul. He gulped and looked at his teammates, who were staring coldly at him. " No help! Not one bit of encouragement!" Peppy thought his stomach turning. He sighed audibly, head hanging ears drooping. " I agree" he said. Andross releases hi claw and clapped him on the back. " There! Chin up son, this is for the best. Youll get a nice little paycheck and the planet will be in good hands." Andross went back to his desk and pushed a red button. No sound was made, but two muscular intimidating lizards walked into the room. " Roman, Slithers." Andross said as way of introduction. " Please follow them to the garage to get the full run down. The mission will begin in 2 weeks"

"Lets go boys!" James said as he gave Andross a warm smile. Andross watched all five animals walk out his office doors. " Excellent!" he whispered to himself. " Everything is going according to plan"

[FoxMotoX]

The story, so far, gets an A+ BUT it does no good for me to just say that here's why I think so:

You are a master of dialogue, as the conversations seem rather natural. There are no sudden, incoherent rambling. MOST importantly, great characterization, never once did I feel the characters were...well out of character

However, I sense you crave for constructive criticism, so this is all I have to offer...

What you really need is EYECANDY...its not required but it adds a sense of professionalism. When people open up a fanfic they often scan over it because it will take up too much of their time. So by making subtle changes you can take a great story and make it an Epic Tale. Here let us use this paragraph for an example...

Here we have one huge block of unsightly dialogue:

" Come on Babe, whatsa matter?!" Pigma belched indignantly. " I’m parta freakin Starfox. The best in the galaxy. Chicks love the best. Ill treat ya right!" As he reached out to grab her arm James rushed forward and pinned it to his back. " Sorry miss" said James as the peacock ran off in disgust. " Well, well team starfox shows its true colors." said a snide prickly voice. It was Victor Phoenix, a well dressed vulpine in his mid forties. " I’m so sorry Mr. Phoenix" said James " Our friend here is completly out of line, and I... " Im talking about all of you! "Victor snarled. " The Cornerian Sun" award is for thinkers! intellectuals! people of consequence!" Victor smiled coldly. " And what are you? Action heroes, video game characters, gutter trash that Pepper swept up to advance his own pitiful career." James stood up and looked him dead in the eye. " We've saved this planet more times than you can- " Saved!" Victor hissed. " Admiral Thaddeus saved us! you were the glitz and tinsel of his battle ships you miserable!...."

You need to give each character room to breathe so to speak. Each time there is a new line of dialogue hit enter …like so:

“Come on Babe, whatsa matter?" Pigma belched indignantly. “I’m parta freakin’ Star fox. The best in the galaxy. Chicks love the best. I’ll treat ya right!" As he reached out to grab her arm, James rushed forward and pinned it to his back.

“Sorry miss" said James as the peacock ran off in disgust.

"Well, well team star fox shows its true colors," said a snide prickly voice. It was Victor Phoenix, a well dressed vulpine in his mid forties.

"I’m so sorry Mr. Phoenix," said James “Our friend here is completely out of line, and I...

"I’m talking about all of you!†Victor snarled. “The Cornerian Sun" award is for thinkers, Intellectuals, People of consequence!" Victor smiled coldly. "And what are you? Action heroes, video game characters, gutter trash that Pepper swept up to advance his own pitiful career."

James stood up and looked him dead in the eye. "We've saved this planet more times than you can-†Saved!" Victor hissed. "Admiral Thaddeus saved us! You were the glitz and tinsel of his battle ships you miserable..."

Now this may seem a trivial mistake but it helps the reader flow through the story especially during action scenes.

Other than that, I look forward to readying more. If you ever need, a spell check and/or format check before you post then just give me a PM and I’ll see what I can do.

I 2nd this. Your dialogue is spot on, But pressing enter and making spaces in between the conversations makes it a lot easier to read. Check out Ch. 2 in my fan fic for example.

[TCPeppyTc]

Vixy was having a delightful time of it.