Jump to content

Lylat Wars


Recommended Posts

Lylat Wars
Chapter 1: A Dark Destiny

A howling gust of wind thrust open the double-hung windows, knocking countless documents to and fro. It was the first sign of oncoming thunderstorms, which were not so uncommon in approaching quickly and without warning. The day grew grim and bleak as the sun-filled air slowly turned a twisted dark, warm-humid. A thicket of dark clouds marched forth murdering every ray of golden sunshine that they caught in their gaze.

As the first molten blue bolt of light darted across the sky with an abnormal crackle, a robotic door slid open producing a dazed figure within its frames which seemed to be confused and upset.


The figure clung to the doorpost, outfitted in ragged jeans and a ruffled dress shirt. Any normal citizen would have considered him a beggar off the city streets if it had not been for the bleach-white lab coat, which glittered over his shoulders.

Under his jaw hung a long silvery beard, which had been carefully trimmed and lined so that it portrayed both wisdom and intelligence. His eyes were an unnatural sharp brown with a bloodstained tint of red, and on the back of his chocolate-brown palm sat a thick coat of chestnut fur. But, of his face rested the countenance of an early primate...He was an ape.

“Andross Oikonny,...by order of Corneria...â€

In that instance the figure reached forth, raving mad, and grabbed then tossed a bulky computer with such an incredible force that on impact, it burst open sending sparks of light dancing everywhere. In a step, he grabbed a beaker full of fluid and started to empty it in a huge tin drum then- thinking better of it- he thrust the beaker, whole, into the drum reducing into mere shards.

“...this board and its members...â€

Producing a shiny black rectangle from one of his pockets, the ape reared back on its cap, and under the head, with a flick, an orange flame appeared. After confirming the flame’s stability, He dropped it into the tin drum. With a clang of metals, the tiny flicker transformed into a ferocious fire as it leaped up the sides of the barrel with a ravenous appetite.

“...find you guilty...â€

Quickly the ape searched a desk for data reports, statistics, and findings, shoving them into the restless flames. Then, out of the blue came the slightest pitter-patter of several footsteps striking the rain-ridden pavement a few stories below. Glancing out the wall of windows, which had a gorgeous view of the sky-scraping buildings from the surrounding city, he noticed a troop of armed soldiers scrambling into the building.

Now petrified, the ape stumbled over to another even larger computer and fingered in a command on its keyboard, which prompted it to delete its stores of information. Then he ran back to robotic door. There he found a square pad on the wall filled with number buttons and a status bar display. In a swift motion, he typed a code, which rendered the door “locked†on the display.

Dashing back over to the windows, the primate glanced out only to see one lone figure garbed in crimson-red who was staring right back at him. In that instance, the heavy burning flames triggered the fire alarm sending a jet spray of stinging water from the sprinklers overhead. Any of the surviving files were now surely ruined.


The deafening knock came from the robotic door. Now soaking wet, the ape silently searched for any position which might serve as a cover. He crept behind a wooden desk.



It was a terrible, deep voice. One which was much anticipated.


Great fear now surged into his chest. From behind the desk he was immobile. His heart pounded and, his limbs trembled.

“Andross Oikonny!†shouted the deep voice. â€By order of General Pepper...†The ape’s heart sunk... “you are under arrest.†The primate’s fears were now solidified.

“You are charged with treason and the murder of thousands. Now come out, you coward. We’ve got you surrounded.â€

Andross dared not move. There was a long silence and then with a sharp growl the voice screamed, “Blast him out.â€

“Yes sir!â€

There was a roaring boom and, there was a smothering smoke. From the smoke, a tall silhouette with a long snout appeared who was snarling with anger. His muzzle was black while the rest of his face was covered in brow fur. He was a German Shepherd.

Tail low and head high he said in a deep shrilling voice, “Look who cowers in fear now, Andross!â€

Andross remained silent.

“Ha, Ha! We’ve got you now!â€


. . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to fanfiction, where you'll find that people generally don't give half a damn. Better get used to it.

What you have here is alright, it a bit forced at times. Here's my favorite example:

Under his jaw hung a long silvery beard, which had been carefully trimmed and lined so that it portrayed both wisdom and intelligence.

The fact that his beard portrays both wisdom and intelligence can be expressed by much less heavy-handed means. Instead of just outright saying so, a brief description can set the reader up so that they pretty much automatically assign those scholarly traits to the beard.

Besides that, you may want to reconsider how carefully trimmed and well-kept Andross's beard is in the first place. It doesn't seem like he's in the best of moods during this, and I'll tell you from personal experience, beard-grooming usually ends up on the bottom of the priority list. This provides the author an opportunity to perform characterization by description, and subtly suggest Andross's state of mind at the moment.

A long silver beard hung under his chin; carefully trimmed, but jostled out of its once-perfect alignment and now glistening with sweat.

In roughly the same span of words, I managed to expound and hint at several aspects Andross's current mindset. This is something I call narrative compression, where the narration is made compact and streamlined, and still contains all the good bits readers like (not sure what everyone else calls it though).

But if there are other story circumstances that dictate a meticulously well-kept beard, okay. It'd still be nice for the readers to be aware of those circumstances.

Take care, and have fun.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I need more, but this is great so far. This is an example, so rare in Starfox Fanfiction where I am " sucked in". For a moment though what with the fire place and the dissembodied voice, you were doing a starfox christmas carol. Keep up the good work!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

“Move it!â€

A grand wooden doorway creaked open and, with a rush of air, a profound aroma of oak brushed past Andross’s nostrils. He stepped forward, cuffed in laser shackles, onto a red rug embroidered with golden tassels. On either side of Andross stood Cornerian hounds, rampantly urging him forward.

“You worthless beast!†declared one of the hounds as he struck Andross with the butt of his rifle. “Do you really think that you are better than us? That you alone are above the law that governs us all? Move it, you scoundrel!â€

Andross weakly tried to recover from the blow and pick himself off the ground. As his blurred vision adjusted to the light, he gasped. This was no prison. This building was all to familiar.
“Did you not hear me? I said move!†Now infuriated the hound struck at Andross once again but now with an even greater force. “Are you weak? Are you tired?†demanded the cornerian scout. “Now you feel but a fraction of the pain felt by the thousands you’ve carelessly slaughtered!â€

As the cornerian escort rounded the oncoming corner, the lead hound of the squad was relentless. At every possible chance, he’d spit in the ape’s face or kick him in the side. Each of Andross’s steps were met with the most foul curses of cornerian tongue. At last, andross had had enough.

“The council should have left Corneria to the hounds, and not let a bastard ape like you share our sovereignty!†The lead hound raised his rifle at Andross yet again. As the hound moved to strike his prisoner, the ape doubled back and knocked his aggressor off balance, but the cornerian hound, who had been skillfully trained, quickly recovered.

“How dare you,†the hound said as he pounced Andross to the floor. “You ungrateful, little whelp...Why I ought to end you, now!†The lead cornerian hound retrieved his rifle and removed the safety from its crystalline core. Slowly an enormous ball of energy gathered around the weapon as its laser charged.
Andross shielded his face from the blinding light, and braced himself for the end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, Its really interesting so far! This is like one of my first times actually reading fan fictions, since i usually don't but now their pretty interesting to read, and create. :) Still, i love where this story is going, hopefully more chapters will be up for me to read. :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
  • 3 months later...

A beaming joy of satisfaction filled the Cornerian hound’s eyes as his paws reared back on the trigger. The corrupt soldier started to open his mouth, enveloped in pride, and declare one last insult; when suddenly, he choked. The rifle fell from his hands and discharged upon hitting the marble floor. At that moment, a wave of energy left the barrel of the rifle and rammed into a nearby support beam not only collapsing it but also all the others neighboring it.

The soldier gagged. His eyes stretched out of their sockets, and the mannerisms of his face were caught in an uncontrollable twitch. He was awestruck at the cold metal he found wedged underneath his chin. Only a few centimeters of pressure away from piercing his throat rested a regal blade grasped by a figure cloaked in the shadows of the settling dust.

“Name and rank, soldier,†said the figure which had not yet become visible to the lead soldier.

The hound raised his brow curious to know who had dared overpowered him. Quickly, he jumped back and motioned for the remainder of his squad to ready their weapons. At once, the hall was filled with the clacking noise of laser rifles being cocked.

“I thought i requested your name and rank soldier,†the figure said now calmly, frustrated. Promptly the figure eased forward out of the dust revealing himself to be a high ranking cheetah. He donned a green fabric a fabric that not only meant he advised the entire Cornerian Defense Armada but also he answered to none but General Pepper, the Commander-in-Chief of the Cornerian Defense Force.

Emasculated, the entire escort squadron instantly threw their weapons on the ground.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...