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Clear's Rionian Journal/Blog

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Something I need to get off of my chest for my own good



Over these past few weeks (Actually, make that months), I've been getting more and more anxious about my future, and it's starting to make me rather depressed. One of the things that worry me the most is my barely-average school grades. I'm only just keeping my head above the water, but no matter how much I revise each night or whatever I do, it just sometimes isn't enough.

The worse my results get, the more I worry.

The more I worry, the worse my head/stomachache gets.

The worse said head/stomachache gets, the less I can concentrate on revising for a test each night.

The less I revise, the more chance I'll have bad results.

And so the vicious cycle goes.


My friends have noticed that something's up with me, because most nights during our free time, I just sit there, in the corner, head huddled in my lap. It's happened more than a fair few times. I keep saying nothing's wrong, but the reason i don't tell them is because I don't want to give them the impression I'm forcing my problems into their laps. Sharing is caring, I know, but it's not their problem to deal with.

Neither have I told my parents, because I don't want them to start giving me loads of love and attention when at my age (16), I should be able to watch out for myself.

What do I do? I just don't know anymore... I can't tell anyone because I don't want to, but if I do that, I'll have no way of getting this problem off of me...


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Dude, I totally know how you feel with the grades thing. I've been grounded for over a month in a desperate attempt to bring my grades up. School is sh*t, man.

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School has always been one grin and bear moment after another because of my personal issues. Some people would think I would be doing this to myself because I just didn't like school but I wish it was that easy. I didn't even care if I got average grades such as a C as long as it was a passing grade. Maybe the problem you have is something that's deep inside you. That's how it always was for me. Maybe you should see a counselor. I have been signed up for therapy since I was still in middle school. That, to me, would be the best option.

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Maybe you're right, Fan. My parents are actually fairly pleased with the current average grades right now (10.89/20, we don't use the letter system out here like you do), but for me, that just takes away more and more of my self-esteem. Tomorrow's the start of the Christmas holidays, and I want to end it on a high note in some way, but the fact that I've got THREE (count 'em) tests on said day in French, Maths and Italian, it's becoming hard for me to cope. I really wish I could tell someone, but I just don't have enough trust in them... That said, why am I telling you guys on the Internet when I can't tell anyone in real life? ...Maybe it's because I can always keep a straight face most of the time when I type, and not get that lump in your throat when you try to say something.

Now, even some of my teachers are starting to noticed how depressed and sad I'm getting. I keep saying it's personal issues, which I guess is true to a degree (Situation at home isn't what you would call 'the best', but neither is it the worst), but the real reason behind my depression is my anxiety disorder and the fact that it's preventing me from concentrating.

I was always better with a keyboard and a mouse than with my own voice. Whenever I'm online, I can just let go of my fears and nightmares. I can be who I want to be. I don't have to be just Danny (My real name). I can be Clearwater.

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That's the beauty of the world wide web, after all.  Connecting people that would otherwise never know of each others' existence, in a manner in which all are free to talk.  Gotta love it. :P

On the subject of grades, it seems as if the upcoming holiday will be of some benefit to you.  Take some time off for a breather, and do your best not to focus on anything class related after your upcoming finals/exams, regardless of how they go.  Sometimes all you need is a period of decompression to bounce back. 

It also seems that worrying about grades only decreases your potential performance due to anxiety - I'm pretty sure that we've all been there.  I'm not advocating not to worry, but I am advocating studying, doing your best, and hoping that things work out in your favor.  If so, great.  If not, instead of fretting over everything, try to specifically pick out where things fell apart or went wrong, and try to take corrective action in the future.  Worrying over the weight of the world crushing you can't be constructive and only serves to sadden you.  Focusing on an aspect that can be improved, however, allows you to work on that aspect and focus your energy into something that doesn't require you to feel drained or depressed. 

If you're not recalling much of the material, try cutting back on recreation a little bit and allocating the newfound time to studying (but do not completely cut off recreation as your mind will just want to wander while you try to study).  If you are studying, are you studying by just reading through your notes, or are you creating review sheets, practice tests, and asking yourself questions or rewriting important notes as you're going along?  

I never really cared for testing in general, and one can't help but to be nervous while sitting for one.  If you're properly prepared and breathe a little bit, however, you'll be much better off.   

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Clear, I have lived that life and I am currently living that life. 

So far my solution is to use my fear as a fuel. To keep going for fear of failure. 

Or tell yourself it'll get better. You won't feel worry but anxiety is still there which should promote motivation.

Under the jokes and smiles that you all see me I am a brutal, miserable wreck. I don't tell anyone this because no one should feel what I experience.

Use that worry. Use it as motivation and use it copiously. It's worked for me. 

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