Friendships with Expiration Dates

[Harlow]

Tomorrow, I'll start a new trimester in Social Communication: Audiovisuals in university. I'm pretty anxious to see how will go.
 

But this time, I decided to start from square one again: I'll try my luck solo. Seems like an odd statement, but let me brief you out.

 

When I was in my other university before I switched careers, I was heavily adviced to make a close, small group of friends to rely with in exams, projects and tasks. I took that advice with me in my new career. In day one, there was this kid, little exccentric, but got the grip of the stuff way faster than the average, so I befriened him (not in a way to seek benefits or leech off good grades, but for real, since I started anew with a whole lot of people I didn't know) bearing in mind the advice prior. Things went great in the first trimester; I didn't see him in the second one, but was still a reliable contact, and we both did great in grades.

 

It all came to a halt in the September-December period. We saw all the respective classes of that trimester together (He relies in me in making schedules), but it was a major Heel Face Turn. He became an full time bully towards me and other two friends we have in common: Insulted me by my physique regularly (huge issue to me, even though I think I'm a "normal" size), also regularly attacked my mental capability and way of work, forgot all implicit social etiquette (things someone normally knows is wrong in socializing), speak for me to other people and for teachers (many times stuff I didn't say nor agree) post pictures and video to FB I didn't agree to and other stuff along the line. He wasn't even keeping up with the classes anymore.

 

I mostly endured all of it without taking retaliation other than respectful advicing and disagreeing, but I eventually couldn't bear it anymore. When it was time to make a new schedule, he again trusted me for it. I made a fake one (which was great) and made other for myself in secret. He still doesn't know that. I'll just see him on Mondays in one class this time, while I start anew. Still don't know how to handle the eventual confrontation. Lie about it, blaming it on classes filling up and keep him ignorant of my scheme? Cold Shoulder all the time?

 

Any of you ever had to deal with a situation like this, with a friend who, pretty much, expired? How it went for you?

 

 

[Drasiana]

Dude sounds like a dickhead and you should tell him as much if he wonders why you don't want to spend time with him. You have a pretty infallible argument on that one.

[psy_commando]

Hmm, I don't think revenge is gonna change much for the better. You should make him understand what he says and does is hurting you, if he's a true friend he'll try to change, if not, he's not worth hanging around with.

 

I've had a couple of friends like that over the years. Especially in high school, where I wasn't really capable of imposing myself, and I either snubbed those "friends", or put up with their crap.. Later on, it also happened in college, but what I did was make the friend in question aware that he's being a dick, and also when he wouldn't believe me, I'd pick on something that I know hurts him (not too much though, joking about dead parents or pets, etc.. isn't going to work very well.. ) and then when he tells you that it was mean, just tell him he's not much better. That worked for me in most cases.

 

But if it seems to fail at first, just keep on doing that for a while, or distance yourself from him, to let him think about it. I'd say if after a week or two he's still being annoying, well you may want to stop hanging around with that person..

 

Anyways, that's how I usually deal with that, but maybe someone else has a better idea.

[Harlow]

I'll be pretty much cold-shouldering the first days. At the end of the period, I'll see if I sever connections. If confrontation time comes, maybe I'll lie to him on why I changed schedules, then hit him with the truth if he's still a dick.

[Snys93]

   I've had my share assholes in middle school, mainly cos I was one. I was an angry bully with failing grades and seemingly against the world and everything it stood for. I would name call, get into fights, argue with teachers and with my parents. Now of days, I regret all the crap I did and hopefully one day I'll put it behind me.

 

   I also know how it is to be teased and mocked. In elementary school, thats when it started. They called me things that got under your skin, pour glue in the inside of you backpack, steal your school supplies and homework. I was at the end of my rope. I wouldn't talk to my parents cos I was embarrassed, my teachers never gave me the solutions I wanted. So I did what all other kids do when they're pushed to the edge.

 

   In my first fight, I can't remember really what happened. I guess I won. All I remember was being at the principles office with nothing to say to anyone. I defended myself and yet I was the bad guy, I couldn't understand why I was in trouble.

 

   In the grades to follow right into middle school, I had a sizable reputation. I was a outcast bully and would rarely let anyone inside my inner circle willing to let trouble come my way. My combatants came in all sizes, short, tall, fat, etc. I was determined, hateful, unyielding. Nothing satisfied me with my school work and personal art. I felt threatened that someone was better at anything and tried to prove them otherwise. Detention didn't worked, staying after school at late hours never helped. My parents tried every way get to me, grounding me, taking away my video games, I wore them out trying to disciple me. It only fueled my fires of hatred.

 

   It even came to the point I was taken out of school for home studies. That didn't work, I lashed out at my parents with hate and disgusted. Nothing seemed to help and my parents were at wits end.

 

   Eventually, I grew up and realized how much of an ass I was. Worse even my childhood was wasted on the fruitless endeavor of anger and really never understanding why I was this way to begin with.

 

   Now that I do, I'm trying my best to be a better person.

[Redeemer]

Oh Harlow. *hugs*

 

These things happen all the damn time, even in adulthood. You'd think we would be past this after highschool but some people just remain assholes. I've had friendships like this. Someone who I considered a close friend pretty much replaced me with someone else. She stopped talking to me as I lost weight - we were supposed to lose weight together but she wasn't motivated enough so I did it without her. In the end, she accused me of abandoning her for Germany, told people I was abusive to my cat because I wouldn't get her spayed (she was too underweight and sickly, only had her spayed recently due to a weight gain of 1.6kg), and thought I was lying about my weightloss and insisted that she saw no difference. Sure, I lost 12 inches on my waist, hard to notice.

 

I think the reason people turn like this is a subconscious competitive side, a primal instinct in us that can make us suddenly bitter. Maybe he saw how reliable you were, and how strong you were with studying, and felt intimidated, maybe even jealous.

[Harlow]

*is hugged* Thanks, Scotswoman

 

I'm at a point in life where I decided to have zero-tolerance at any source of BS. I'm more open to people, I'm determined to work out, have the body l want and be the best at my career. These last couple of weeks before winter vacations, I felt I had some sort of "regression" periods of being shy and awkward, and I felt it was due to the constant stress this guy was putting on me. I won't be this terrible bastard to him once I reencounter him, but I'm not going to do anything to try to mend. I'm a new person; and I'll judge if he will keep being an anchor to me. People with drive and willing to study are hard to find, but the separation can be totally worth it.

 

I think that last part can be a plausible scenario. I'll have to check.

[Faisul]

Yeah, he sounds like a right prick. You shouldn't go out of your way to be a prick back, but you shouldn't go out of your way to try to fix things either. It sounds like you two really aren't compatible at all, and there's other people I'm sure would like to partner up with you at uni.

 

Be nice, small-talk if he's interested, but don't commit to anything. You'll drift apart naturally.

 

Also it really sounds like you're determined to change things for yourself, that's great! Stick with it and don't give up, and you'll be much happier

[tupelocase]

   Eventually, I grew up and realized how much of an ass I was. Worse even my childhood was wasted on the fruitless endeavor of anger and really never understanding why I was this way to begin with.

 

   Now that I do, I'm trying my best to be a better person.

 

I love hearing stories like this from nice people.  It gives me hope for all of the people at my high school who can't seem to figure out who they are.  And great job turning yourself around, made my sickly day a heck of a lot better  

 

 

The only "Expiration Day"-ish friends I've had were jerks the whole time, I was just too nice and naive to know any better and I let them boss me around.  I wasn't until halfway through eight grade that I started making true friends, great people who understood where I was coming from and supported my every endeavor (common sense withstanding of course) as I did their's.

[Harlow]

Right now, everything is pure ice with him. Doesn't exist for me.

 

Eventually, I may work in a project group with him again, since I still see one class with him by coincidence. Not really my choice, but since most likely other two friends, which are great people to work with, are siding with him to work in various classes. I'll make the sacrifice. I'm angry at him, not them, I ain't butthurt or inmature over the fact they hang out with him. This ain't kinder anymore.

 

That being said, if the moment comes, my mind will be dead set and I'll be cold-blooded if I feel attacked again. Won't hold back nothing.

 

P.S: The classes this semester are amazing. I've seen a couple of old friends I used to work with, and I'm in good terms with most of my classmates.

[RingtailedFox]

most people i've encountered are these "friends with expiration dates"... i don't understand why they can only handle being friends or being nice for a limited amount of time before betraying you... don't worry. you are certainly not alone in this, and i'm glad you are working hard to improve your situation.