Krystal Clear: Part 2: Search and Rescue

[Rogue Fox]

Author's Note:

This is part two of the Krystal Clear series.

I will just recap what happened in Part 1 for those of you who did not read it (you know who you are.)

Basically, Rogue Fox is heading back to Corneria when he sees a battle in the Katina atmosphere. He goes to find out what's happening and realizes that team Star Fox is trying to stop a fleet of ships from entering Katina.

Rogue hears of a strange girl named Krystal who Rogue has never heard about.

Suddenly a war ship appears and Krystal tries to divert the other ships while Fox McCloud tries to destroy the ship. Krystal's ship gets damaged in the process and begins falling through Katina's atmosphere. Rogue is now following after her to help her.

And Now... <cue drumroll>

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Rogue Fox in "KRYSTAL CLEAR"

PART 2: "Search and Rescue"

Rogue tries locating Krystal's ship through the clouds. "Darn," Rogue says, "These clouds make searching for her ship impossible. I'll have to resort to my radar to see where her plane landed." He broke through the clouds, keeping watch on his radar. The dot that represented Krystal's ship had stopped moving, meaning that she crashed somewhere. "Hmm... the dot looks close," Rogue said, "She must be close."

Rogue finally saw the heavily forested landscape of Katina. He then saw in the distance black smoke rising above the trees. He flew low until he found a clearing where Krystal's ship landed. Rogue saw that fire was erupting near the back by the engines. He had to act quickly.

Rogue stopped his plane and folded up the wings. He set the ship to Hover mode and ran to the downed Arwing. He then pulled out a dagger and jammed it between the front of the ship and the window. Finally he tripped the release latch which opened the cockpit.

Rogue Fox looked into the cockpit which was now on fire and saw a blue furred female fox in the pilot's seat. She was unconcious and blood was running down her forehead from a gash above her left eye. Her suit was charred and torn in some places revealing scratches and gashes where blood ran. Still she was breathing, and it looked as though she had no broken bones.

For a few seconds Rogue looked at her in awe since he never seen a blue fox before, but he snapped out of it and quickly lifted her out of the cockpit. Rogue then took her to his ship and put her in the passenger seat.

Suddenly the Arwing exploded scattering pieces close to the Dauntless.

Rogue made it in time to save her. Mission accomplished. Now it was getting dark and Rogue needed a place to hide his ship and he had to help Krystal. He looked around and saw a cave. After hovering over to the cave he got out and opened the cargo hatch. He took out a sleeping bag, some meal packs, and a med kit.

He unrolled the sleeping bag and after opening it layed Krystal on it. He then took his dagger and cut away parts of her suit that were around major wounds. Opening his medkit he applied a liquid bandages to the wounds on her body, which helped heal faster than standard bandages and also dissolved on their own.

He then folded the sleeping bag over and zipped it up so she could be warm. He got into the Dauntless, turned off the lights, and fell asleep thinking about his mysterious blue furred comrade and hoping she would be all right.

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To be continued.....

[rebel_gunman]

Great Story so far.

Standing by for next one.

[Blaz3]

Very well written, You should be proud!

[TakeWalker]

Author's Note:

You know, this didn't give me any hope for the story. At least it's longer than the summary is; many would consider those paragraphs a complete fanfic.

Rogue tries locating Krystal's ship through the clouds. "Darn," Rogue says, "These clouds make searching for her ship impossible. I'll have to resort to my radar to see where her plane landed." He broke through the clouds, keeping watch on his radar. The dot that represented Krystal's ship had stopped moving, meaning that she crashed somewhere. "Hmm... the dot looks close," Rogue said, "She must be close."

Oh, my aching head. One tense, please.

I suggest changing the monologue into simple narration. Unless talking to himself is a prominent character quirk.

Rogue finally saw the heavily forested landscape of Katina. He then saw in the distance black smoke rising above the trees. He flew low until he found a clearing where Krystal's ship landed. Rogue saw that fire was erupting near the back by the engines. He had to act quickly.

Rogue sees all! I mean, saw, sorry, he saw all. You also needn't begin every sentence with "Rogue/He [verb]". Vary your sentence structure. Also, we sort of know that he needed to act quickly, you don't have to say it.

Rogue stopped his plane and folded up the wings. He set the ship to Hover mode and ran to the downed Arwing. He then pulled out a dagger and jammed it between the front of the ship and the window. Finally he tripped the release latch which opened the cockpit.

Rogue Fox looked into the cockpit which was now on fire and saw a blue furred female fox in the pilot's seat. She was unconcious and blood was running down her forehead from a gash above her left eye. Her suit was charred and torn in some places revealing scratches and gashes where blood ran. Still she was breathing, and it looked as though she had no broken bones.

For a few seconds Rogue looked at her in awe since he never seen a blue fox before, but he snapped out of it and quickly lifted her out of the cockpit. Rogue then took her to his ship and put her in the passenger seat.

Suddenly the Arwing exploded, scattering pieces close to the Dauntless.

For someone who needs to act quickly, he sure is taking his sweet time.

Rogue made it in time to save her. Mission accomplished.

Can't we figure this out ourselves?

Now it was getting dark and Rogue needed a place to hide his ship and he had to help Krystal. He looked around and saw a cave. After hovering over to the cave he got out and opened the cargo hatch. He took out a sleeping bag, some meal packs, and a med kit.

This is what we like to call a 'laundry list'. Bam, bam, bam, all the important details right in a row, followed by some very boring and unimportant details. I feel like the proverbial broken record, but show, don't tell.

He unrolled the sleeping bag and after opening it layed Krystal on it. He then took his dagger and cut away parts of her suit that were around major wounds. Opening his medkit he applied a liquid bandages to the wounds on her body, which helped heal faster than standard bandages and also dissolved on their own.

More laundry listing. Honestly, this is about as interesting as watching paint dry, and significantly less colorful.

He then folded the sleeping bag over and zipped it up so she could be warm. He got into the Dauntless, turned off the lights, and fell asleep thinking about his mysterious blue furred comrade and hoping she would be all right.

That's it? This somehow constitutes a chapter?

If you're writing this all at once and releasing it as parts, I suggest you pull in some bits of part three before ending this chapter. If not, you really need to consider giving us a reason to want to continue reading. I, for one, have precisely zero. Sure, he chased the Arwing with Krystal down to the planet, saved her, it exploded, and now they're in a cave. So what? I want to see him wake up the next day and find out just how horrible a place this is that they've landed on! Or I want him to try messing around with Krystal, and feeling guilty or angsting about... about whatever! Something!

What you've got here is the chapter equivalent of a sentence fragment. Some important stuff does happen, but instead of just moving the plot doggedly onward, you have to think about the readers. Make suspense! Make mystery! Make your readers want to read what you've written!