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Touhou has the most insane plots.


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I mentioned this series earlier on this site, and small talk to a friend about it made me realize how stupidly genius the plots for these games are. You want a deep story? Touhou MIGHT have that under the surface. Want a story where you save the world and beat the bad guy? Well... let's take a look.

There are 12 games in the series. The first five are untranslated and on an old, dated system. I'll start with touhou 6's plot. By the way, there is no such thing as spoilers in these games, for that to happen you need a plot that makes sense. Keep in mind that many walls of text will follow that either will break your brain, make no sense, or waste your time. This topic really serves no purpose other than letting me ramble about insanity.

Touhou 6. A thick, red fog has enveloped the world of Gensokyo! What could be behind this mystery?! Why of course, it's a vampire and her mansion's doing so their mistress can go out and see what daylight is like. Reimu, our protagonist who is unhappy that the sun isn't out and bright, goes out to investigate. After beating up two innocents and the incompetent gatekeeper, she goes into the mansion and interogates the librarian after beating her down too. Then it's off to the creature of the night herself. Taking out the head maid and personal guardian to Remilia Scarlet, the vampire, Reimu arrives and basically says "SUN BACK OR YOU DIE" and beats the hell out of her. In the ending, Remilia, scared shitless of Reimu, visits her in her shrine and brings tea as a peace offering while she apologises and explains that a parasol blots the sun away from her skin well enough too. A month later, Reimu returns for the EXTRA STAGE. Why? Well, because the Scarlet mansion has a secret in the basement and Reimu breaks in to find out what. Down their Reimu finds Remilia's retarded little sister who is fed prepared meals and never let out for fear of her abusing her power. This younger vampire, Flandre Scarlet, has the power of destroying absolutely anything and everything if she so pleases. Reimu beats her up too, just to prove she can, and leaves.

Touhou 7 rolls around. This time Gensokyo is experiencing a stubborn winter. It's cold, Reimu's pissed, she sets off on another violent quest. After taking down a spirit and cat-girl because they happened to enter her sight, Reimu interrogates and beats Alice whom is somehow connected to this through some means I'm unsure of. Reimu, following her instruction, heads toward the gates to the netherworld. Three ghosts who like playing music happen to be nearby, so Reimu kicks their asses too. Then, once actually in, happens across the head honcho's underling gardener who also happens to have an all-cutting blade and super speed to make the Flash look like a child. You can guess what happens to this gardener. Finally, Reimu finds the head ghost and queen of the netherworld, Yuyuko Saigyouji. We learn that Yuyuko, before being who she is now, was a normal girl who commited suicide and now thinks it was a bad idea. She wants to be alive again, so she's stolen spring itself to grow a cherry blossom tree that, when in full bloom, will revive her long dead body. Reimu doesn't take anyone's crap, though, so she fights Yuyuko and takes her spring back to the realm of the living. Yuyuko is a sad panda and tries to make up with Reimu so she won't come after her again. Then starts extra stage. Reimu learns that Yuyuko wasn't the one whole stole spring because a ghost can't just rob a season. She sets off to find the real culprit and happens across the catgirl again. Taking her down, she meets a fox girl with 8 tails. This fox, named Ran, is pissed that Reimu beat up her kitty who was her summon all along. Taking Ran down and interrogating her, Reimu learns that the culprit was Ran's master and is sleeping, and that their battle was for nothing. Reimu comes back a few hours later and meets Yukari, who has the ability to manipulate reality, more or less. Reimu beats her up for no reason other than because she can.

Touhou 8. It's night, and something's up with the moon! What could it be THIS time? Well of course, many innocents are mercilessly attacked until we happen upon some residents from the moon itself. They are in hiding because the moon's government is after them. They, to avoid capture, came to gensokyo and cut off it's contact with the moon, replacing it with a fake one so the residents won't notice. Reimu, what else, attacks them and foils the plan, but everything turns out alright. The moon princess in hiding is immortal, so she's NOT really afraid of reimu too much. In extra stage, she challenges Reimu to a test of guts. Go out into the forest after midnight, and see if she comes back unharmed. It's a set up, Reimu finds another immortal, and it's clear that the moon princess sent us here just to try and kill her since these two hate eachother and constantly fight, despite never being able to finish the other off. Hearty laughs are had, and Reimu does it anyway because she's a jerk.

Touhou 10 (skipping nine) is the worst. A new goddess has moved in ontop of a mountain and is doing nothing wrong. However, Reimu already belongs to another faith and goes into file a complaint. Through violence. The lesser gods of the mountain are beaten for little reason, and finally Reimu faces down the new goddess, Kanako, herself. Reimu wins the fight and tell her to behave or else, and leaves. Reimu, during the extra stage Reimu comes back to check up and finds another, much more powerful goddess, Suwako. She was the original Moriya shrine goddess before Kanako, who took over by winning some war between the two somehow. Reimu, for once, actually wants to leave peacefully before Suwako claims she's been bored and wants to party. Of course using bullet hell patterns.

Touhou 11. A geyser is spewing out evil spirits and and blocking the hotsprings! Reimu goes underground to investigate. Innocents are, like usual, brutally put down and finally Reimu comes across a mansion. In there lives Satori a girl who can read minds and we find, after interogation, that her pets are the problem. Delving deeper, and going into hell itself, Reimu discovers Satori's pet cat who attacks us because she wants our corpse. Taking her down and moving on, we find Utsuho, a hell crow who ate a fallen god's spirit and has nuclear fusion at her control. She's on a power trip and wants to see the world burn under her power. Reimu humbles her with a good old fashioned beating. Later in the extra stage, it's back to check on the Moriya shrine from 10. We discover Satori's sister, who can read subconsciousness. She's only there to visit and explore, but Reimu and she decide dueling would be fun, too.

And finally touhou 12. A giant airship and lots of UFOs have been spotted! Clearly these are bad people, so Reimu goes out to beat them up. She boards the ship, beats the captain, and finds she had been whisked away to the demon world. Because well, why not, Reimu continues her ass kicking spree up until meeting Hiziri, a saint. We learn that the UFOs are part of some important thing in this world that takes the form of whatever you imagine it to be and that they only came to Gensokyo to recover these pieces. Reimu beats Hiziri up and goes home, and the in the extra stage finds the real villain, Nue. She has no true form and shapeshifts to whatever she wants, and she harrassed Hiziri and their cornerstone because it'd be funny. Nue is, more or less, a troll. Reimu beats her ass.

And there you go. Plots so nonsensical that they should never be taken seriously ever. If any of you gave two damns enough to read down this far, congratulations. You wasted a fraction of the time I did.  :P

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Touhou: Asshole simulator.

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