Deploy Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Here's a thread to post your favorite jokes/funny stories! I'll start and have fun! PLEASE. Nothing excessively inappropriate or vulgar! Thank you. "When I’m drinking, I like to have a straw, you know what I mean? A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend…until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he’ll betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to act like I’m surprised or something, like, cover it up, you know?: “My God! That’s what you had for breakfast?!†Then I’ve gotta pull the straw to the side: “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth! What the hell are you doing on the other side of the glass?! I don’t need you. You’re a luxury." The ice is even worse. When there’s liquid in there yeah it’s fine; it’s like a pool party. “Hey we’re keeping everything cool.†I’m talking about when I get to the bottom and it’s just me and the ice. I’m like, ok just one of you. Come on I just want something to chew on; come on. And the ice is like, “Hold…Brothers, hold…everybody strike now!â€"~ Demitri Martin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Elite Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I was once on vacation in Manitoba, and my Canadian Ex-girlfriend rang me up and said "hey come over, there's nobody here." I went over, there was NOBODY there. Figures. I just wanted to put the Inaugural thing on here. I've never been to Canada. Shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arashikage Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 A blond was driving her red sports car down a road, when a trucker goes by, while the truck was trying to pass, the blond kept blocking it, keeping it behind her despite the fact that she was driving much much slower than the truck. Eventually, the trucker gets the blond to pull over, and gets out. Noticing she was a blond, he drew a circle on the ground and told her to stand in it. She obliged, getting out and standing in the circle. The trucker went to his truck and got out a baseball bat, and walked to the red sports car, lifting up the bat, he heard a giggle, so he looked back, seeing the blond just standing in the corner, but with a smirk on her face, he then looked back and began heaving the bat at her sports car. Eventually, the car was badly beaten up, the mirrors were gone, both headlights and taillights, gone, the wheels were popped, the doors dented, the spoiler split, the motor intact, but bruised, and the seats torn up. The blond was giddy with laughter though, laughing so hard now, the trucker walked up to her and asked "What's so funny!? I just destroyed your car!" And the blond replied "When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vulvokunvrii Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 A guy walks into a bar with his wallet in hand and a piece of asphalt in the other. He seats himself on a bar stool and the Bartender notices him and asks," What'll it be sonny?" The man replies,"Give me a beer and one for the road...!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Elite Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 A guy walks into a bar with his wallet in hand and a piece of asphalt in the other. He seats himself on a bar stool and the Bartender notices him and asks," What'll it be sonny?" The man replies,"Give me a beer and one for the road...!" Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vulvokunvrii Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Good job. Actually my Freshman Health teacher told us that joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Elite Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 An old man goes into the city one day and enters a shop, he's only there for about five minutes, but when he leaves he finds a cop writing out a parking ticket. The old man says "come on officer, why don't you give a senior citizen a break?" The cop ignores him and continues writing the ticket. The old man calls the cop a punk, who begins writing a ticket for worn tires. The old man insults the cop again who writes out another ticket. This went on for about for about twenty minutes, the more the cop got abused, the more tickets he wrote. Not that the old man cared, it wasn't his car. He came into the city on a bus. It goes to show that old people have to have fun too. 30 Lines to make you laugh. 1.. Some people divorce for religious reasons, one thinks they're god and the other doesn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10.. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing. 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13.. God must love stupid people -- He made so many. 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19.. Procrastinate Now! 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vulvokunvrii Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 An old man goes into the city one day and enters a shop, he's only there for about five minutes, but when he leaves he finds a cop writing out a parking ticket. The old man says "come on officer, why don't you give a senior citizen a break?" The cop ignores him and continues writing the ticket. The old man calls the cop a punk, who begins writing a ticket for worn tires. The old man insults the cop again who writes out another ticket. This went on for about for about twenty minutes, the more the cop got abused, the more tickets he wrote. Not that the old man cared, it wasn't his car. He came into the city on a bus. It goes to show that old people have to have fun too. lol nice :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arashikage Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I submitted a list of 10 puns to a contest in hopes I'd win something. Sadly no pun in ten did Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneWolf Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 A man and a cop are standing outside a closed door. Cop: "He's dead in there?" Man: "Yeah" Cop: "You're sure?" Man: "Let me go check" *Two gunshots are heard* Man: "Yep" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vulvokunvrii Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Why did the spy cross the road? Answer: Becasue he was never really on yourn side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr. Nintendo Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 These aren't jokes but merely puns: Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? Well he's all right now. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. Elevators may bring you down, but to me they're very uplifting. Did you hear about the pilot who always had work? He was great at landing a job. If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing. Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known knights of the round table, but he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificient armoir which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was all polished up, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen. The medieval hero was not ready to settle down yet, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoir to hide. Gracie entered Wilber's quarters and looked around. She didn't see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoir and flung the door open. there stood Wilber: he was trapped! The next day, the castle newsletter's headline proclaimed: "Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoir!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matrilwood Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam" and then the barman says, "Relax man, you're two tents!" That and about a billion American jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxMcCloud Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 An old man leaves the parking lot of a Lamborghini dealer. He leaves after getting all of his registration and other information set. He pulls out of the lot and begins to drive at 90+ miles an hour. Letting the wind whip through what was left of his hair. After passing a cop, the cop begins to chase him. After a realizing this he proceeds to pull over and wait for the officer. The officer walks up to the old man and says. "Ok, I have 5 minutes left on my shift, if you can give me an excuse that I have never heard before, for why you were speeding I will let you go." The old man looks to the officer and says "Years ago my wife ran off with a police officer, I thought you were bringing her back." The cop turns away and says. "Have a nice day sir." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rin Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Question: "What is the shortest joke you know?" Reply: "Venison's deer, isn't it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoctorAllosaurus Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 Q: What do metroids hate having in their drinks? A: Ice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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