Jump to content

StarFox: Endless Vengeance

Shadow Matrix

Recommended Posts

Warning: This fan-fiction contains fantasy violence, profanity and gore. You have been warned.

Fan Fiction Summary: Eight years after Pigma's betrayal and the downfall of the Original StarFox Team, Peppy Hare, still lives his life in grief, due to all of his teammate's unfortunate death, including James McCloud. Peppy reveals the true story of what happened to the Star Fox Team, to James' son, Fox McCloud. The flashback portion of this fan-fiction' is before starfox 64, or the lylat wars. In this fan-fiction, you will see James McCloud and the old starfox team. Starring Pigma Dengar, Peppy Hare and three other fan fiction characters who are on the team and what happens to all of them. You will also see Fox McCloud, the main audience who is listening to Peppy's story. During the current time, Fox McCloud had already saved Sauria, and currently has Krystal and Falco onboard his ship, who you will also read about.


The loud explosion of a grenade, knocking the young hare off of his feet and onto the cold metal floor. He rises up, a massive amount of lasers, fly past his fur, he quickly ducks behind cover of destroyed debris. The hare, unarmed at the moment quietly remains stationary at his current position. He hears his friend's voice over the loud gunfire.

"PEPPY!!!!! " the young hare heard from across the battlefield. He poked his head out of cover and quickly glanced at a young and muscular built red fox who was over 100 feet away from him. His black sunglasses covering his eyes as he looks directly at him.

He sees The young Fox, heroically fighting back against the enemy out in the middle of the battlefield, blasting enemies within his sight with his heavy machine gun, equipped with armor piercing ammunition. The young fox looks at the hare for a split second and then focuses his sight on the battlefield. The enemy focuses more fire on the young fox, forcing him to go back into cover. "PEPPY! You need to get out of here! There is a hanger located three floors below here. Commender a ship and get off this planet! Go back to the Great Fox! "

The hare's hands start to shake. His heart consumed with fear, as he is ordered to leave his fellow soldier behind to fight against the enemy alone. He slams his fist on the ground. "DAMN IT JAMES! COME ON! I CAN'T LEAVE YOU! I LOST TOO MUCH! I CAN'T LOSE YOU TOO!" he shouted, a tear sliding down past his cheek.

The Fox looks at Peppy again, as enemy fire dashes beside him and his cover. His voice cracks as he attempts to shout at the hare. Never expecting to say these words throughout his whole military career. " I WON'T MAKE IT... I'M SORRY PEPPY. ITS BETTER THIS WAY!! TELL MY SON FOX..... I'M SORRY...... " a tear slides down the fox's cheek as he shouts it to his comrade. He wipes the tear with his hand and angrily shouts again with enough verbal force to make the Hare follow his order."NOW GET OUT OF HERE! I'M PULLING THE PLUG ON THEM!"

The hare quickly rises up from cover, and sprints to the door behind him. Enemy fire from behind the hare dashes besides him as he bolts to the door, which slides open as he comes within a close range to it. The doors behind him begin to close, the hare stops and looks back, and in between the gap of the closing door, he sees his friend, James running away, and the enemy squadron chasing him. The doors close completely and Peppy runs down the hallway, and to the nearby elevator. He opens the door, and steps inside. Feeling completely disgraced and shamed, leaving the battlefield and his best friend against the enemy. He sighs and clinches his fist. Out of anger, he slams his palm against an elevator button. The button is pressed and begins to light up a bright green.

The elevator doors close, and the elevator descends three floors down. As it descends, Peppy remembers the words James had said to him. "I WON'T MAKE IT.. I'M SORRY PEPPY!! ITS BETTER THIS WAY! Tell my son Fox, I'm sorry... " His reminission ends as the elevator doors open. He sees multiple primates dashing to their ships in the hanger. Peppy runs out the door and sees a primate opening the cockpit hatch of a nearby Venomian Class One fighter. As the primate is about to enter the cockpit, Peppy runs up to the primate and punches him away from the ship. The primate lands on the cold floor. Peppy jumps in the cockpit, and closes the hatch. He starts the ship up. The thrusters of the ship glow red, the engines turn on and the ship levitates into the air. The primate rises up from the ground and takes out his blaster and starts firing at the levitating ship. Peppy pushes down on the throttle, and the ship bursts out of the hanger.

He escapes the Venomian base, as he is high in the sky, he looks back at the base, and sees a small explosion emerge from a portion of the base. He grieves the death of his comrade James as he flies out of the planet's atmosphere. He hears the Fox's words again. "I WON'T MAKE IT!! I'M SORRY! ITS BETTER THIS WAY! TELL MY SON, FOX... I'M SORRY! The hare sighs. "James, I'm sorry....... "

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I think you can afford to be a little more visceral in your descriptions, show the readers more clearly what is actually going on. If need be, even give the narrator access to Peppy's thoughts so the reader can be better informed to the circumstances. As it is now, we're a little confused. If that's what you were going for, I'm not sure that was the best direction you could've chosen, or the msot effective way to represent confusion.

I'd also highly advise against the use of bold typface, particularly in dialog. It draws a lot of unnecceasary and unwarranted attention to words, and you can do this more cleanly using punctuation, itallics, all caps in etreeme cases (even then, I'd keep the all caps to a minimum), and the use of complimentary narration of the dialog.

On a smaller less technical note, Peppy is probably not going to use the formal and uppity "James", but "Jimmy" instead. There's an official source somewhere where Peppy used "Jimmy" in reference to James McCloud.

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the feedback man, I appreciate it. But replying to your main post.

1st paragraph] Your right I could've worked on the discription however, I want to keep most of the storyline and explainations short. Yes, I do want to confuse my audience at times, so they can create thier own questions while reading this. Like "What happened here? Whats going on? " And when asking themselves those questions, they are intrested in the story and continue to read more and more. Starting the story off in the middle of a battlefield in a Venomian Base on Vemon, kinda sparked an image to most of my audience [Real life audience]. I had a feeling it would do the same here. Which i think it did, I'm not sure. Yah but my goal at this point was to confuse you and make your mind itself ask questions as you continue to read this. Its like, a Hook if you wanna put it like that. Something to keep your intrested, but at the same time, confusing.

2nd Paragraph] Yah. I knew it was a bad idea from the begining. I'ma change that and stop it. The bold interface can sort of be bothersome to some people's eyes. And as for the caps, I'll lower that down too.

3rd Paragraph] Yah. Well to be honest. Throughout the flash back portion. I didn't think James would be a big deal for Peppy to say, even though that is his real name. However, saying "Jimmy" can work too. It just sounds a bit wierd at the moment. I never even knew Peppy refered to james as "Jimmy". I was thinking of letting Peppy call James, "McCloud" instead or something. After all in the story, one of the main support characters WILL refer him to "McCloud" You know?

And thanks for the feedback, i appreciate it a lot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chapter 1

"And after that, you came back to the Great Fox, ashamed and hurt. You told me my dad didn't make it. That he died as a hero. " The young aged Fox McCloud said.

Peppy looks down onto the floor, avoiding eye contact with Fox. He sighs. "Yah, he did. He saved my ass during that skirmish. I remember how much he always said, he hated being leader of this team. "

Fox's eyes shot up wide open. "He said that?? Why would those words come out of his mouth? He was the one who made the Star Fox Team after all. " Fox stated.

Peppy looked back up at Fox, giving him his undivided attention. "Indeed he did say that. He told me this everytime he lost a soldier. He said those words with such anger and hate because he feels greatly responsible for losing his men under his command. Your dad looked at us as more then just pawns, like the other leaders with power. He looked at us as friends. Whenever he lost one of us, he couldn't keep his emotions stored in, he couldn't ignore the saddness or pain. He wanted to lose his position of Leader because he hated being responisble for his teammate's individual deaths. "

Fox nodded. "Well I don't blame him.. I would probably couldn't hold those emotions as well. If I lost you, Slippy, ROB, or even Falco. I wouldn't be able to store my emotions inside for much long. "

Peppy smiled. "Just like your dad Fox. Your a good leader. To actually look at us more then just a tool to help you in a personal goal.. It takes a real leader to have those feelings. Your dad would be so proud to see how you are now. "

Fox smiled back. "You think... My Dad.. Is watching us right now? " he asked.

Peppy looked up at the ceiling and smiled. "Yah, I think he is. Fox, where is that girl you had a crush on? "

Fox blushed. "UH...... Krystal? I don't..... Have a.... Crush on her.. "

Peppy chuckles and then starts to burst out laughing. "Its alright Fox. We've all been have strong feelings for someone we first meet. Where is she? " he asked again, expecting the answer he wants this time. Fox's red cheeks turned back to normal.

"She is sleeping in the guest room. I had Slippy go to Corneria and buy us some supplies and buy her some clothes she could wear while onboard the ship. "

Peppy looks at Fox, with a serious expression on his face."I see.. Fox, listen to me. Be very cautious around this girl. You have no idea who she is at all. " he said.

Fox looked at Peppy straight in the eyes. "Peppy? You don't trust her???? You think she is a threat to us? "

Peppy nodded in disagreement. "No.. Not that. Its just, as of right now, my feeings towards her are neutral until I get to know her. You can't be so quick to give your trust to someone you just met. You don't know what will they will do with it. "

Fox smirked. "Let me guess. You think we got another Pigma on board huh? " Peppy nods in disagreement again. "No, I didn't say that. Its just. Look, you know my past experience with that bastardly swine. I've known Pigma for the 6 years we were on Star Fox together. That six year bond ended when he got your father and I captured by Andross and got your father killed by Andross and his force's. "

Fox's smirk faded away. "I know Peppy. But you can't let your past experience with a pig alter your future judgement on someone else you've just met. " Peppy rises up from his chair and sticks his hand in his pocket coat. He pulls out a small picture out of his coat pocket and hands it to Fox, who looks at it. He sees Six people standing next to each other smiling.

He sees his Dad, James McCloud in the middle with his sunglasses and his normal uniform on. He then sees Peppy to the close right of James. Then next to Peppy was Pigma, a short and somewhat chunky pig pillot. To the close left of James was a tall and strong looking wolf. The wolf had a light blueish grey fur, with red eyes and a grey and white flight suit. What stood out to Fox about this wolf the most was that he had a falcon talon on both of his hands and his red eyes. He was somewhat shocked to see a wolf with that kind of deadly and scary image, having a happy expression on his face. To the left of the wolf, was a somewhat tall, young aged red vixen, she had short red hair, green colored eyes and a very cute face. Her incredibly slim body, made Fox somewhat attracted to her, even though he was looking at an old picture. Her bright red and orange flight suit stood out real well. To the left of the vixen was a white fur colored eagle. He saw a blue war paint, painted on the outsides of his eyes. The eagle reminded Fox of Falco a little bit. Both having the same type of figure. There were two things that Fox could tell apart between this Eagle and Falcon. The Eagle had white fur while Falco had blue fur and the war paint, painted on the outside of their eye were different colors. Falco having red war paint, and the Eagle having a blue war paint. Other then that, they both looked incredibly similar.

Fox looked at Peppy and then looked at the picture again, studying the six soldiers again. Peppy walks up to Fox and looks at the picture with him. "You remember them? " Peppy asked.

Fox looked at Peppy again, and then at the picture. He nodded. "Yeah I do.... I know that you, dad and Pigma are in this picture. The Eagle... I don't remember his name but I do remmeber seeing him a while back in my past as a teenager. Same goes for the Vixen and the Wolf. "

Peppy points his finger at the Red vixen. "That attractive looking vixen, is Sara Blue. She had a thing for your father when they were first on the team together, fighting alongside with one anoher. Don't let her looks decieve you Fox, she kicked a lot of ass back then. She still does to be honest."

Fox looks at Peppy. "She is still alive? "

Peppy nodded. "Yeah Sara, and I are the only true original members of StarFox left. "

Peppy then points his finger at the Eagle. "That guy right there, the eagle who looks like Falco, is Zero Matrix. He doesn't have the same flying and piloting traits as Falco, however during ground combat, he was feared on the battlefield. He loved using a sniper and picking off enemies from a distance, he saved all of our asses when we were in tight jams. This eagle had some serious skill on the ground, but in the air or space with the rest of us, he was like the worst flyer on the team. He wasn't bad like Slippy.. But he wasn't that great either. He was, decent. "

Peppy finally points his finger at the Wolf. "This big bad wolf right there is Jace. A true and powerful soilder on the ground and in the air. Jace and your father had a great and close bond. When your dad was a kid, Jace's family of wolves adopted him. From there on in, your dad and Jace grew up together and had a tighter bond then your dad and I had. Jace and your dad were pretty much like brothers. Instead of following their instincts of the Fox and Wolf being rivals, ironically, they became like brothers, always looking out for one another. Your father was the younger brother in this brotherly bond. "

Fox's eyes shot up wide again. "WHAT? REALLY? Damn... No fooling. I was wondering why Jace was smiling when standing next to my dad. "

Peppy smiles. "They were close brothers. Like I said before, they knew each other for a long time. They were family. Your dad knew Jace longer then he knew me. These two together, were an amazing team, and with the rest of us we were pretty much unstopable against any enemy we faced. "

Fox looked at the picture, and then looked at Pigma standing all the way to the far right of James. "But inside the team, you lost your stregenth. That unstopable power ended when you had a traitor inside the team who was able to perform all of his moves to cripple the team? "

Peppy nodded. "That Pig..... Ruined my life, by doing what he did.. And my lust for vengence will never be satisified, until I kill that damn Pig and bring justice back to my fallen teammates. "

Fox sighed and looked at Peppy. He then looked at Pigma in the picture. "We haven't seen him or Wolf's team in a long time.... "

Peppy smirks. "They'll come.... And when they do, I want you, Falco and Slippy to get ready for them when they do. That pig will get the punishment he deserves. He can't run away from me forever... "

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two things:

1) Separate paragraphs for separate characters' dialog. In almost every paragraph you have here, you have bot Peppy's and Fox's dialog jammed up in the same bundle of words. It gets confusing and... confusing the way you have it here. When you give each character's dialog their own paragraph, it links the narration of that paragraph to whatever the character says. When you have the characters share a paragraph, then that narration is linked up to both, and in a sense, lings the two separate bits of dialog together. For conventionally conditioned readers like me and very many others, when we see that, tells us that the two separate bits of dialog come from the same speaker.

2) Birds have feathers, or "plumage", not fur. that one buggend me.

Otherwise, this is mainly a "I need to see more to make better judgement" situation.

Keep it up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alright i got'cha. I'm adjusting my way of writting now and I edited the paragraphs of dialogs now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you TcPeppy,I appreciate the feedback :-)

Chapter 2

Fox looked directly at Peppy. He saw the fire and anger in his eyes, wondering whether or not if Peppy's lust for vengence will change him. He wanted to know more about how Peppy was feeling about his past with Pigma's betrayal. However he dropped the concept of the Pig for now and remained quiet, waiting for Peppy to stir up a different sub-topic of the conversation.

Peppy looked away from Fox, and up at the ceiling. "You know. Our team did a lot of good things that helped the Lylat System greatly. Just like how our team fought and defeated Andross and his servants. However, back then Andross wasn't our enemy. He was more of a friend to your father, Jace, Pigma and I. The four of us always talked to Andross.. Boy, that crazy ape made a lot of things. Some that would help the Lylat System, and some that would cause chaos to it. "

"The B.O.W. right? " Fox asked.

Peppy nodded and looked from the ceiling, back to Fox in the eyes. "Yah. The Biological Organic Weapons. Back then, when Andross became corrupted with the power of science, those things came loose and started to fight against us. After Andross got so caught up in his work, he experimented on himself and became insane, he made a lot of drugs and took em very often. When he was insane, he decided to rally a group of prisoners that hated Corneria and Andross himself, planted a bomb in the city of Corneria. The bomb of course mannaged to be denoated due to the resistence of the Prisoners Andross had working for him and the bomb blew up. The blast radius was very strong, it made the large building tumbled on down, and collide with other nearby buildings. Its like.... Playing Dominio's, you put a whole bunch of standing dominios together, once one of them falls, it collides with the other, making that one fall and the cycle repeats. That bomb event, was what General Pepper called, 'Scorched Earth.' Boy, when I told you that bomb did a lot of damage to Corneria... It DID, a lot of damage.. It almost got Jace and his bomb squad killed. Luckily, the big bad wolf was skilled enough to handle that big situtation quite well. "

"Care to inform me how it all went down? " Fox asked, intrested in the current conversation.

Peppy smiled. "Sure. This bomb incident was one of our first and unexpected missions. "


"My squad and I are approaching the building now. We are encountering heavy resistence. Seems like Andross mannaged to make a litle battlion to hold us off from getting to the bomb. " A Wolf said, speaking into his communicator.

A few seconds later, the Wolf recieved a response. "Alright Jace, take it easy. Wait for the rest of us to come and back you up. " a voice said.

Jace chuckled. "Are you kidding me Little Brother. Do you forget who I am McCloud?? I'm the big bad wolf. I can handle this no problem. Just watch my team's six while we go inside and clear the area out. We'll disable that bomb."

"Jace are you serious? Your really going to risk fighting like 50 goons with you and your three allies?" James asked.

Jace started to burst out laughing. "Didn't you tell me numbers don't mean shit James? Come on, cut me and my squad some slack. We're bad ass. We got this, don't worry. "

"Ugg.. Fine. We'll meet up with ya'll real soon. We're closing in on Ashville. I got Sara, Peppy and Zero with me. Pigma should be arriving to your location real soon. He is the closest one there. " James said.

Jace's eyes shot up. He chuckles. "Really? The fat pig mannaged to get here before all you guys? Damn, ya'll just got outclassed. "

As he said that, a bullet dashes past his face. He hides behind a building. "Oh I'ma call you back James. These assholes are just asking for it. " Jace looks at his team. Seeing a Tiger, Dog and Lizzard soidler dressed in black heavy armor, and helmets with clear golden visors covering their head and face. He smiles. "Ya'll ready? "

The three soidlers nod. The Lizard soidler pulls out a small briefcase of tools. "I got everything we need right here. " He attachs the breifcase into the appropiate pocket on his back and holds his weapon tight. "I'm ready. Just watch my six. "

Jace smirks. "Don't worry. Our team will watch that for us. " he pulls out his Assault rifle and runs out onto the battlefield. He dashes towards the building, taking cover behind parked and damaged cars on the street. He spots multiple enemies up ahead, he pokes his head out and opens fire at them with his assault rifle. His teammates give each other elbow room and take cover behind debris, not too far away from one another, but not too close. They assist Jace, in fighting against the enemy. Both sides firing shots at one another. One of Andross' goons at the second level of the sky scraper building pulls out a sniper rifle and searches for his hidden targets. Jace looks up at the enemy sniper, he calls out to his teammates. "SNIPER! SECOND FLOOR! TAKE HIM OUT!"

The tiger marine pulls out an RPG that was equipped onto his back. He aims at the enemy sniper's location, gets a clear view of him. He pulls the trigger and a fast grenade flies out of the launcher, and directly hits the sniper on the second floor, exploding, and killing the enemy. The tiger looks at Jace and gives him a thumbs up. "Your good. "

Jace nods. "Nice job Rookie. Everyone press forward, we need to get in that building, were running out of time here. " He runs towards the building, 50 yards away from him, as he crosses the streets and is closing in towards the entrence of the building, a giant armored truck storms across the street and heads over to Jace, the driver attempting to run him over. The surprised Wolf sees the truck closing in on him. He aims his rifle at the vehicle and sprays shots. The truck still driving forward, resisting the small shots from his rifle. As the vehicle comes closer to Jace, a rocket flies by from the left side of the vehicle and hits it, causing the vehicle to explode from the impact and the debris of the vehicle to be knocked away from Jace.

The wolf looks to his left and sees a Pig holding and reloading a rocket launcher. Six cornerian soidlers right behind him, armed with weapons, the soidlers firing at Andross' goons. The pig looks at Jace. He snorts. "Hey Big Bad Wolf..... You couldn't huff and puff your way out of that situtation. You totally owe me. "

Jace smiles. "Pigma, you never disappoint me. Thanks! "

Pigma snorts. "Haha. Your going to have to tell this to your kid I hope you know that! You guys go inside and get rid of that bomb. My squad and I will handle these guys. "

Jace nods and looks back at his team. " Everyone lets go! "

Jace and his team dash toward the building, shots being fired at them. Pigma aims his rocket launcher at the enemy. "Alright fellas. Waste em! Don't let them interfeer with Jace's work. "

As Jace enters the building, he stops at the doorway and looks back at Pigma and his squad. He smirks. "Heh, this Pig's got it. No need for me to worry. " He sees bullets flying back and forth, his team makes it inside the building. Jace turns around and runs deeper inside the building. The doors behind him close.

Pigma looks at the building and then at his wrist watch. He sees the big hand 5 minutes away the 6. "You better hurry up Jace.. Time is not on your side today. " He focuses his attention back on the enemy and engages them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chapter 3

Jace and his small squadron move inside the large building. Their guard raised up to it fullest, searching for any nearby enemies hidden inside the building. Jace looks at his wrist watch "Damn... We're running short on time. Lets do this quick. " He looks at the tiger soidler, he calls his name. "Alright Jackie. I want you, with me. We're heading up to the top level of this building and we're gonna start our search for the bomb there. "

Jackie nodded. "Yes sir."

Jace looks at the lizard soldier and then at the dog soldier. "Alright Daniel. You and bulldog will stay down here. I know Pigma is supposed to be watching our six right now. But I need to be sure that no one else comes through that door unexpectingly. If they somehow mannage to get inside, I want you to gun them down. Shoot first, ask questions later. Understand? " His voice very deep and hard.

Daniel and Bulldog nodded. The lizard questioned Jace. "But sir, you've been allies with Pigma for a long time, surely you must know that your teammate's capablities exceeds over many other past defenders. I'm sure he wouldn't let a single enemy get inside this building. "

"I know Pigma's capablities. Hes one of the smart Pigs who builds a house of bricks and prevents anything from getting through it and into the house. I'm pretty sure he could prevent any hostiles from getting in this building as well and preent them from interfeering with our objective. However, thats not why I am ordering you to stay here. "

He looks at his wrist watch again. "I know Pigma's capablities. But its better to be safe then sorry. We're running out of time. We'll discuss this later.. " Jace looks to his far left and sees an elevator. "That elevator should still work. " He looks at Jackie. "Alright buddy. Its show time, lets go. " The two fearsome soidlers sprint towards the elevator. Jace slams his fist on the button, that glows a bright green when his fist impacts it. The doors slide open and the two of them walk inside. They both see the light blue skies through the clear window in the elevator. Jace faces away from the window and pushes a button inside the elevator, the doors close and the elevator ascends. Jackie again. "You know what were getting into right? "

The tiger nods. "Yeah I do. I was born to do this. I know what I have to do and what is at stake. "

Jace smirks. "Good. I'm glad you know. Lets get this started. "

As their conversation begins to end, along with their elevator travel, Jace recieves a transmission from Daniel on the lower floor. Gunfire is heard through Jace's end. After three seconds of straight gun fire sounds, Daniel's voice is heard. "Sir, we have a problem. It seems like Pigma and his men didn't stop them all. Hostiles have entered the building. We are encountering small resistence down here. Bulldog and I are fighting back hard. However I think there maybe more of them coming inside. "

Jace looks at Jackie and then speaks into his communicator. "Alright Daniel, you and Bulldog just do what you can to hold off those goons. Jackie and I are almost at the top level of this building. Just hold otu and we'll come back down soon. "

Jackie looks at Jace. "Sneaky bastards.. Do you think Pigma retreated? "

Jace growls in anger. "NO! He wouldn't do that. I've known Pigma for a while, and thats the last thing he would do to us. Andross' goons must be pulling up one hell of a fight against Pigma. "

Jackie looks out the window again, his jaw drops. "Oh no......... "

Jace looks at Jackie. "What is it? " He looks out the window. His eyes widen, and his heart begin to beat faster as he sees an incoming RPG rocket flying directly at them. "OH SHIT! GET DOWN! " Jace shouted.

The elevator stops and the doors open. Jace shoves Jackie out the elevator, and the young tiger is shoved out a few feet, losing balance, he falls down onto the ground. Jace runs out the elevator. The rocket directly hits the elevator, and creates a huge explosion. The wolf caught in the edge of the blast radius is launched forward. His Assault rifle is launched forward and out of his grip and he falls flat down on his stomach.

The wolf struggles as he tries to get back on his feet. He looks back at Jackie whose body is slightly burnt a bit, rising back up from the ground. He sees the tiger running into cover and shouting at him simataneously. However the wolf is unable to hear anything, due to the sound of the explosion damaging his ears for a small period of time. Multiple bullets fly past the wolf. His hearing quickly being restored, he hears what Jackie screams to him.


Jace looks to his left and sees multiple enemies firing down at him from down the hall. The wolf runs into cover. He looks at his empty hands. "Shit, I lost it! " He pulls out a pistol attached to his waist. He starts to blindfire while in cover. During the small skirmish Jace recieves a transmission from Daniel. He hears more gunfire then before on his end. He still clearly hears Daniel's voice through the sound of gunfire.

"Jace.. Sir, I think Pigma's forces have been defeated! We are encountering heavy resistence down here. Bulldog and I are fighting with everything we got, but the two of us alone won't last long unless we get some help! You have to hurry! "

Jace responds back into his communicator. "Don't worry, we're close to the bomb, with three minutes to spare. We will come help you! Don't give up or let up yet! "

Jackie calls for Jace. The wolf turns back around and sees the tiger throwing a grenadeat him. Jace catches the grenade. He sees the pin still attached to it. He yanks the pin off and throws it at the enemy. The grenade lands and shortly after its landing, it creates a loud flashing noise and a bright flash emerges from the grrenade and blinds the enemy. As the wolf hears the sound of the flash grenade being denoated he rushes out of cover and sprints towards the enemy. Jackie rushes in at the enemy, sprinting and shooting at the five stunned and blinded targets along with Jace.

The effect of the flash wears off the five hostiles. The group of enemies spot Jace and Jackie closing in on them. Before they could open fire at them, Jace pops the head of one of the five enemies with his pistol. Jackie accurately fires a short burst of bullets, and takes down two soldiers. Jace dashes at the last two standing soldiers. He shoots one soldier in the chest, and the bullet passes through his chest and hits him in the heart, causing him to fall down on his back and die. The last soldier standing, aimed his rifle at Jace and fired four shots. Two of them, accurately hitting Jace in the abdominals. The wolf still charges forward, ignoring the bullets, and tackles the last standing soldier. The soldier struggles as Jace pins him down onto the ground. Jace aims his pistol at the soldiers throat, he rapidly shoots six bullets into the soldiers non-protected throat. The last soldier dies.

Jace rises off the dead soldier and looks at Jackie. The wolf leans back on a wall. He groans and puts his hand over where he had gotten shot. Jackie puts his hand on the wolf's right shoulder.

"Can you move? " he asked.

Jace smirked. "Of course I can. I'm not handicapped yet. Come on, we're running out of time. " He looked at his wrist watch once more. He sees the big hand two points away from the 6. "Two minutes left.. The bomb should be located in the old General's office. Lets go."

The two of them run down the hall, they approach the office door. Jackie kicks the door down and runs inside the room. He searches through the office for the bomb. "You sure its up here Jace? " he asked as he looked inside desks and under furniture.

Jace coughs out blood. "Yah, I'm sure. Intel informed us that it would be on the top level of this building. The bomb has to be here. Lets just keep searching. "

Meanwhile on the first floor of the building, Daniel and Bulldog struggle in a heavy skirmish. The two of them figthing against multiple soldiers. Both of them pinned down in a horrible position. Daniel looks at Bulldog. "Jace said hes close to the bomb. He probably found the bomb already and is working on disarming it. "

Bulldog looks at his wrist watch. "They got one minute to get that bomb down man! Once they suceed, they need to be quick or we're screwed. We can't fight against this many. I'm on my last clip too! " Bulldog shouted.

Daniels nods. "Me too. To the last bullet Bulldog. Lets show em what we got. "

"To the last soldier of Corneria standing right here, right now. Lets do it."

Bulldog runs across the room and takes cover at another position. He looks at Daniel. "I'ma go flank em. I'ma get to the second floor and see what I can do. You sit tight. "

He goes through a door to his left and runs down the hall. He runs up the stairs and gets to the second floor. He runs down another long and narrow highway. Through his heavy breathing and loud gunfire from a floor below, his dog ears pick up a silent beeping sound. He stops running and stays in place. He looks at a door to his right. He kicks the door down and hears the beeping sound get louder as he walks inside the room. He sees a giant black pillar with Andross' face carved on it. A timer is displayed on the front of the pillar. He sees the timer dropping down. '00:25. 00:24. 00:23. 00:22. 00:21. 00:25' "Ahh no...... " He turns around and runs down back to the first floor. He shouts over to Daniel.


Daniel looked over at Bulldog. His eyes shot up. "My god..... " Daniel drops his rifle and heads out toward an alternate and safe exit, with Bulldog by his right side. Daniel turns on his communicator again and transmits it to Jace.

"JACE! WE FOUND THE BOMB! ITS NOT AT THE TOP LEVEL OF THE BUILDING.. ITS DOWN HERE WITH US! WE ARE OUT OF TIME. WE ARE PULLING OUT! OUR MISSION IS DONE JACE! We found the bomb! Its not at the top level of the building! Its down here with us We are out of time, we are pulling out! Our mission is done Jace! You have 15 Seconds to get out! "

Daniel and Bulldog run outside the building. Meanwhile, on the top level of the building in the General's Office. Jace recieves Daniel's transmission. He looks at Jackie who is still looking for the bomb, unaware that the bomb is not on the same level as them. Jace looks out the window. An idea sparks up in his head, a deadly and risky one. He was out of time, same with Jackie.

Without hesistation Jace sprints towards Jackie with intense speed. He tackles and holds onto Jackie tight. They both go through the window, the glasses shatter and their body is launched out away from the building. The bomb denoates and parts of the building explode. Meanwhile Jace holding Jackie plummet from the sky toward the ground.

"What the hell are you doin?! " Jackie shouted.

"Saving us!! Just hang on tight. DON'T LET GO! " Jace shouted back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...
Guest BlueRaccoon

This whole thing is a very interesting take on the story of the old Starfox. I honestly do like where this story is going. And as far as the three little pigs references, I actually think that's kinda clever. However, this story did have some problems that I need to tell you about.

1) I found a plethora of grammatical and spelling errors. While your story is interesting, these errors will make the story a bad one. You have plenty you need to look at, but I'll give you some of the worst ones I found:

He pulls out a small picture out of his coat pocket and hands it to Fox, who looks at it. (grammatical)

He saw a blue war paint, painted on the outsides of his eyes. (grammatical)

The blast radius was very strong, it made the large building tumbled on down, and collide with other nearby buildings. (spelling)

Seeing a Tiger, Dog and Lizzard soidler dressed in black heavy armor, and helmets with clear golden visors covering their head and face. (spelling)

He attachs the breifcase into the appropiate pocket on his back and holds his weapon tight. (spelling)

The wolf struggles as he tries to get back on his feet. He looks back at Jackie whose body is slightly burnt a bit, rising back up from the ground. (grammatical)

I would suggest using a spell check at least before you submit anything else

2) Choose a tense. There are a few parts of the story where the narrator switches from past to present tense in the same paragraph. That's fine to switch them, but not in the same paragraph discussing the same idea.

3) You didn't have to announce that a flashback was coming. Use some creativity. Try to say that the next part is a flashback without actually telling the audience. You don't need a big read sign.

4) This one is just me being nit-picky, but wouldn't it be a little suspicious thinking that a bomb was at the TOP of a building? Wouldn't the team check somewhere at the bottom first to be safe? A bomb at the top wouldn't do as much damage, I wouldn't think. I don't claim to be a bomb expert, though. Again, just being nit-picky.

I hope this doesn't deter you from adding more to the story. You just have to do a little more work on the next part. Hope to see another part soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...