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What do you guys think?


CrypticQuery

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This is one of the first sections of my first fanfiction.  Hope you guys enjoy, and any tips would be GREATLY appreciated!

        It was a dark and dreary night in the Lylat System, and most of Corneria City was off to the final preparations before a long night of rest.  Things were far from ideal, however, as the city had been plagued with problems for the past fortnight.  It all started with the public address that General Pepper had been giving, all in preparation for a new branch of the Cornerian Defense Division, or the C.D.D, to be opened.  During that fateful speech, a shot rang out from the crowd, and confusion ensued.  Pepper was found in a dazed state, with a large, gushing wound in his lower chest.  He later went into a coma, and even now, no one knows what will become of him.  Soon after this, Cornerian Police stepped up patrols, and added more officers to the streets.  This seemed to have no effect, as two days after the assassination attempt; the Cornerian Armory was raided, with heavy guard casualties.  Several highly-experimental weapons were taken, and there were no clues left at the scene.  Action had ceased for several days, and the public rested a little easier.  This peace was incredibly short-lived, as, days later, three large explosions rocked downtown Corneria City.  Several hundred people were killed in the explosions, and it became clear to the government what had to be done.  They had to bring in some experts! 

        “ALL MEMBERS TO BRIDGE”, blared ROB64 over the Great Fox’s intercom.  Fox groggily lifted his head and glanced at the clock.  “3AM”, he muttered, as he lifted himself from the little sleep he was able to get.  As he got dressed and stepped into the hallway, Falco was waiting for him.  “Ay Foxy! I decided to play off my douche persona today!”  Fox was in no mood for this, but he let his comrade continue, out of sheer annoyance.  “THANKS FOR SAVING ME FOX, But I’m gonna ignore that and call your flying skills shit!!”  Fox had lost interest and was increasingly annoyed by Flaco’s constant hounding.  Then, Fox spied the laundry chute, and he pulled Falco over there.  “What’s the mater Foxy, can’t take my awesome looks!?” Then, fox opened up the chute, and shoved Falco down.  A faint yelling could be heard from shaft, “You’ll haven’t seen the last of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……. !  Fox was greeted with a resounding thud and the end of Falco’s talking.  As Fox now felt refreshed and left the hallway, Slippy entered, and went straight to the laundry chute.  “Whoa! This pair of underwear is gone! I’ll never eat an entire jar of beans again”, he exclaimed.  With that, he opened up the chute and sent the putrid pair of underwear down, down, and farther down.  As Falco was finally recovering from the landing in Peppy’s bathing suit, he heard a rumbling coming from the chute.  He turned around just in time to view his utter demise.  The last thing he was able to see was a white and brown flash.  Then, he was knocked unconscious by the horrid object. 

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Interesting, but you seem to be rushing through the story too much, to the point in which it sounds like something you read on the inside flap of a book. I don't really like the humor, especially since all of the current events seem so horrible and violent, then suddenly all of that transitions to a humorous day aboard the Great Fox. The story is very good though, do continue this.

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Interesting, but you seem to be rushing through the story too much, to the point in which it sounds like something you read on the inside flap of a book. I don't really like the humor, especially since all of the current events seem so horrible and violent, then suddenly all of that transitions to a humorous day aboard the Great Fox. The story is very good though, do continue this.

Thanks for the feedback, I think I'll rethink my strategy a bit! I'll probably explain in great detail the events leading up to the Great Fox sequence, and make it its own chapter.  Fanfiction writing gets more exciting as it goes on!

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Thanks for the feedback, I think I'll rethink my strategy a bit! I'll probably explain in great detail the events leading up to the Great Fox sequence, and make it its own chapter.  Fanfiction writing gets more exciting as it goes on!

LOL at Falco being knocked unconcious.

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Just take your time and spread it out a bit more, this definitely has potential! Does it have an official title?

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Just take your time and spread it out a bit more, this definitely has potential! Does it have an official title?

No title just yet, waiting till' the next break from school (Mon. 29th) to continue my writing and editing.  Title suggestions are welcome here too!

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