Nightmare-Land: Barricade

[Matrilwood]

Horror themes, low level violence and low level gore.

3 miles below ground level, unstable power supply, no lights, zombies, and right outside a world over-run by blood-thirsty creatures. Not exactly the retirement home Peppy had in mind. They used to call this place Dream-Land. The Dark Alliance thought up some sick joke to invade this place not with soldiers, but nightmarish creatures.

The Mermadon-Complex, an underground bunker designed to harbor refugees in times like this. People could survive for years down here. Unfortunately parts of the complex have been over-run. Ammunition was finite but at least these monsters were edible, so food did not have to be rationed. Peppy looked into the camp-fire burning in front of him. Laying on top of it was some sort of large beetle. Zovil, a black cat, broke off one of its legs and passed it to Peppy. He ate it, although it didn't taste very nice it was food. Kako, a white haired cat with a black face, lent against the door frame. She had a torch taped to her rifle and she pointed it down the hallway, occasionally she fired a shot and something was heard screeching. The appearance of the creatures was getting more frequent. Soon the group would have to move on.

Hoshi, Kako's twin sister, was on one of the main-frames, checking security cameras for threats and checking up on the other survivor groups. In total there where 6 survivor groups each comprising of five people, each serving a different purpose in ensuring control of the complex. Josem, a red wolf, looked up at the ceiling. A few seconds later there was a grinding sound and pieces of concrete started shaking off the roof. Hoshi franticly pressed a few buttons on the console and looked back at the group, "We'd better go NOW, there's a tunneler just above us."

The group grabbed their weapons and hurriedly exited the room. Following Hoshi who knew exactly where she was going. Within a few minuets there was a loud screeching sound, the tunneler must have landed in the fire. Kako cussed under her breath. The screeching tunneler would attract the other creatures. Hoshi back-tracked a little and began moving towards armory group, they would need to restock on ammunition after this. In there haste they passed a door without checking inside, and Josem was pulled in.

[Sluggsnipa]

HOLY SH**

Epic

[Xortberg]

Two main problems: length and lack of description. It's nice to see Peppy getting some love beyond the usual "retires from Star Fox" or "replaces General Pepper," but so far we have very little to go on. This is almost like a prewrite, rather than a finished product. Describe this Mermadon Complex, both physically and maybe through some backstory. As it is, all we know is that it's a panic bunker currently being used to survive an assault from vaguely defined monsters summoned by a so far unremarkable evil alliance.

Describe the people involved. We know Peppy, so most of the main exposition can be centered around this ragtag group of survivors. We know Kako is a cat who shoots monsters, but that's it. Hoshi's our techno-geek, and Kako's twin, but we know nothing about how she obtained this expertise with computers, nor do we know anything about her relationship with her sister. Josem is our token black guy, dying before we know anything about him at all other than his physical appearance. And despite the claim that...

In total there where 6 survivor groups each comprising of five people, each serving a different purpose in ensuring control of the complex.

... I can't for the life of me find a fifth person in this group. Then, before we even know who everyone in the group even is, one of them dies - rather unremarkably, at that. Stating outright that something pulls Josem through the door kills any suspense you might be able to create. Better to build the tension by having one of the characters - perhaps this "mystery number five" of ours - realize that Josem is missing, then maybe having the group double back to look for him.

I'm all for a good horror story, and I have the utmost respect for you for even attempting a genre as difficult - in my personal opinion - as horror, but you need to put more effort into building atmosphere and tension, and building relationships between characters with good backstories is a good way to do that. This all just feels rushed, and it could be so much better.

~Xort

[Matrilwood]

1. It's more dark action than horror.

2. Its part of a series, hence the cliff-hanger. Also I didn't want to bore you with all the details. I could have gone for ever about the Dark-Alliance if I wanted to (If you want to know more about them you're going to have to read my other story).

3. I'll edit it to include the 5th member. He is there, he's the one who gave Peppy the bug-leg.

4. Hoshi went to Harvard University.

---

Josem yelped as he was dragged into the room. Kako reacted by entering the room and shone the light around looking for where Josem was, a second later she was knocked to the ground. A large, black, smokey creature was on top of her, biting and scratching. Peppy and Hoshi entered the room and tried to get the creature off Kako. A limb of some sort extended from the creature and knocked the two out of the way. Hurriedly, Zovil kicked a metal pipe off the wall ran up to the creature and with the sharp end of the broken pipe,  stabbed into where the creature's head should be. The creature made an earthly howl and dissipated, as if it was a gas. Kako looked at the pipe, which was only an inch from her head, then back at Zovil, "Thanks..." she said awkwardly. Zovil offered to help her up but she declined. Kako stood up, spat on a tissue and began wiping the blood off her arms and face, hissing a little when ever the tissue ran over a wound.

"Are you alright?" asked Hoshi, who shone her torch on Kako to see her condition. Kako had cuts all over her, and a particularly nasty one on her arm, which was dripping blood onto the floor. Zovil rummaged around his backpack pulled out his first aid kit and wrapped up the wound on Kako's arm. The group was armed, but the wraith was immune to bullets, it was made of smoke, and you can't shoot smoke.

"Where's Josem?" asked Peppy, in response was a tapping noise from the corner of the room. Hoshi ran to Josem, he was bleeding heavily, Hoshi tried wiping off the blood. Josem smiled at Hoshi.

"This looks serious, we're going to need more time." said Hoshi.

"Unfortunately that's not something we have." said Kako, becoming a little stressed.

Hoshi looked back at Josem, "Can you walk?"

Josem nodded, Hoshi helped him up, but Josem whimpered with the effort. Hoshi wrapped up most of the really bad wounds, but some of them were still bleeding, she followed the rest of the group, supporting Josem on her shoulder who hobbled next to her.

“He’s going to slow us down.” Retorted Kako impatiently.

“Well we can’t just leave him here.” replied Hoshi, Josem looked at Hoshi then at Kako nervously. A moment later his ears twitched, he whimpered pointed at his ear then at the darkness. Hoshi carried Josem back into the room, followed by everyone else. Zovil shut and barricaded the door, with the help of Peppy.

A few minuets later the thumping of creatures could be heard, a large number of creatures where stomping down the corridor. No-body made a sound, everyone tried to hold their breath. It was at least another minuet before the rhythmic thumping ended. They were silent for another couple of minuets, just incase some creatures where still waiting outside. “Slow or not, Josem just saved us a lot of trouble.” It was Peppy who spoke, “If we are going to survive we have to look out for each-other, that includes not leaving people behind.”

“I’m curious, was that what you said just before James dies?” Everybody looked at Kako. “If you hadn’t left James behind, you would be dead, would you now? If we want to survive we have to leave those we can’t save. And we don’t need Josem, that’s why Hoshi and her technology degree is with us!”?Hoshi ran up to Kako and clawed at her face. Peppy grabbed Josem before he lost his balance. Kako wiped the blood off her face, then pushed Hoshi onto the ground and began biting her, the two girls commenced hissing and clawing at each-other’s faces. Zovil tried to break up the fight but got kicked in the ribs. He hunched over and fell to the ground.

Gunfire was heard, the fighting stopped and everyone looked at Peppy, who was holding a smoking gun pointed at the roof. “What the heck do you think you’re doing?” Peppy helped Josem onto a chair, then went up to Hoshi, helping her up.

Kako got up by her-self, then saw Zovil hunched over on the ground, “Oh my god!” she cried going to him, “Are you alright?”

Zovil laughed weakly, “You’ve got one hell of a kick Kako,” Zovil winced in pain, “I think I broke something.” he said, holding his rib.

Hoshi went knelt next to Kako, “Do you think we should leave him behind Kako? He’s going to slow us down.”?Kako looked at Hoshi then at Zovil, “Alright, I get it.” she helped Zovil up and rested him on a seat.

Peppy grabbed Kako’s shoulder and looked her in the eyes, “Thanks to you, we’ve now got a second injury, and we’ve wasted even more time. I’m not sure how Threydon is going to react to this, but I seriously doubt he will like it.” Kako folded her ears back, withdrew a little and said sorry. “It’s not me you should be saying sorry to, it’s Josem for threatening to leave him behind.”?Kako went up to Josem and knelt to eye level with him, Josem winced and moved his head away from Kako, a little scared of her now. “I’m sorry, I was wrong... Can you forgive me?” Josem blinked, then a second later smiled and nodded his head.

Zovil stood up with the help of Kako, Peppy shoved the desk blocking the door out of the way, and looked down the corridor to make sure there were no creatures. The injured group them hobbled on towards Armory group. Peppy helped support Zovil while Hoshi and Kako helped Josem, who was too weak to even stand up-right. WIthout a gunman, it made it difficult to defend themselves when ever they crossed paths with a lone creature. Kako had to nearly drop Josem to shoot at the creature at least twice. After 10 minuets, Kako let go of Josem and leant against the wall, breathing heavily. Peppy went to Kako, with Zovil hobbling behind him. “Are you ok?” asked Peppy who helped keep Kako’s balance. Kako was hunched over, holding her stomach.

“I’m fine, just a little winded is all.” Kako drew her hand away from her stomach and looked at her hand, it was covered in blood. She fell, Zovil caught her, and rested her on the ground.

[Xortberg]

1. It's more dark action than horror.

2. Its part of a series, hence the cliff-hanger. Also I didn't want to bore you with all the details. I could have gone for ever about the Dark-Alliance if I wanted to (If you want to know more about them you're going to have to read my other story).

3. I'll edit it to include the 5th member. He is there, he's the one who gave Peppy the bug-leg.

4. Hoshi went to Harvard University.

1. Your 'Horror Themes' warning told me otherwise

2. But details aren't boring. They're what make the difference between a boring story and an exciting one. I didn't say you have to go crazy telling us everything about them, but a bit of a recap for those who might not have read your other story or for returning readers who may be a bit fuzzy on the details would be nice. I figured it was part of a series, so the cliffhanger didn't bother me.

3. Goody.

4. Harvard? In MY Star Fox? It's apparently more likely than I think.

As for the new chapter...

Details, mang. After seeing Josem get pulled into the room, Kako just waltzes right on in and takes a peek? Describe her emotions as she realizes what happened, be they fear or just exasperation at her incompetent teammate. And don't tell us she was knocked to the ground; show us. Instead of '...she was knocked to the ground,' try something like '...she gasped as a large, black, smoky creature bowled her over, biting and scratching.' Show us what happens, and draw us into the action.

You also have several run-on sentences that should be corrected, such as:

Hoshi ran to Josem, he was bleeding heavily, Hoshi tried wiping off the blood.

'Hoshi ran,' 'he was bleeding,' and 'Hoshi tried' are all separate sentence fragments joined together without any sort of coordinating conjunction. Either break a run-on up into multiple sentences, or combine them with conjunctions.

Hoshi ran to Josem, who was bleeding heavily. Hurriedly, Hoshi tried wiping off the blood.

Say them both out loud, as they're written. Notice how when combined with more than just commas, the first two verb phrases flow more effectively, and how splitting the third phrase into its own sentence helps transition between actions.

Also, the 'cat-fight' seemed pretty rushed. There was no emotion in it, and details were sparse. As I said when discussing fight scenes with JCMasterman, I find it best to completely overload a fight scene with detail and then prune what I don't need. If you're going to have action, you need to describe it and make the readers feel like they're actually there watching it, rather than making them rely on their own imaginations to fill in what happens. If they wanted to do that, they wouldn't be reading someone else's story.

All in all, it mostly suffers from a lack of detail, which hurts the immersion and the pacing and fails to convey horror themes or action very well. If you just add in more description and elaborate on what you already have, this could be pretty good.

~Xort