Prince Elite Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 A series of blurred images stirred through the mind of the half-asleep vulpine. He longed to reach forward and be with them, but he wouldn't have any sort of chance anyway. An electric shock rocked through his body and brought his attention forward. He looked up and saw his usual jailer with an electrojabber in hand. Shaking his chained hand to restore feeling to his limbs, the vulpine said “I was having the best dream.†The jailer, a gray avian, smiled revealing several missing teeth. The Vulpine asked sarcastically “will it be the usual torture today? Or can I get a side order of beatings too?†The jailer's smile widened, revealing more dental problems. The Vulpine thought “geez, hasn’t this guy ever seen a dentist?â€â€ Over the intercom, a voice blared “prisoner 242, it's your turn for kitchen detail today, have your uniform in order, and meet the kitchen staff at 06:30 sharp. The jailer unlocked the Vulpine's shackles and said “better snap too it buddy.†242 walked to his makeshift wardrobe an pulled his kitchen uniform over his nightclothes. It was too cold in the mornings no to dress warmly. He approached his cell door and put his hands out the small opening, within seconds, a pair of electric cuffs were locked onto his wrists. The cell door opened and two guards escorted him through the prison. Xocc Prison was not your typical correctional facility, the inmates weren't your usual criminals, and the guard weren't your usual enforcers. The prison was built, so it was rumored, to keep potential enemies of the Lylat Government quiet, and they did that with very dubious methods. It was common practice for the inmates of Xocc prison to have a memory wipe during their incarceration, very few prisoners were allowed to keep their memories, and these inmates were forced to work on the government's evil projects. 242 was not one of these lucky men. He awoke one day, was told he had committed the greatest crime in all of the Lylat System and would never see the light of day again. That was his first day in 6 months of torture, beatings and other horrific evil that followed him ever since. The guards of the prison liked administering punishment, and they always had 100 legal ways to do just that, and 1000 illegal ones. Not that it mattered, there was no protective power at this site, no standard of care given to the inmates, in this hell 242 was trapped in, it was shut up, follow orders and don't complain, even when the electrojabber is still in your back. The three reached a gray door, one of the guards knocked and said “kitchen staff.†The door opened and the guards removed 242's cuffs, he entered the kitchen quickly and asked “what's on the menu today?†Another prisoner, a large black furred canine handed him a mop and said “we'll start with a round of cleaning, then we'll slave over a hot oven for the guards' dinner while we eat gruel, and if we're lucky we'll even get a side of electric shocks for dessert.†242 smiled and said “sounds good.†The two began cleaning the floor, occasionally taking moments to observe the kitchen guard. The canine asked quietly “did they get you badly last night?†242 replied “not as bad as it could have been, but still painful.†The canine closed his hand into a fist, and then extended his thumb and fifth finger. This was the prisoner's rallying symbol of resistance. 242 answered the symbol and began to finish the last part of the floor. Checking to make sure it was cleaned properly, 242 said “we've finished the floor sir.†The guard walked over and began checking the floor, after a couple of moments, he said “very good, have your breakfast and begin your duties.†The two prisoners nodded and moved away quickly. They breakfasted on stale buscuits and gruel and then the two began to cook. Xocc Prison had a prisoner population of forty-two men, and a guard staff numbering eighty. The warden dined every evening on a meal made by the prisoners themselves. He once said “it tastes better knowing that your enemies made it for you.†Of course, the Warden wasn't foolish enough to simply eat food offered by the enemy without testing it. A food taster would always sample the warden's meals, and this taster was always a prisoner. 242 added some vegetables to the meal and said “it's coming along nicely.†The canine replied quietly “too bad it's wasted on that demon in the office.†242 smiled and offered the resistance symbol, which the canine returned. The canine was one of the more senior prisoners and he was a close friend of 242. He was nicknamed “Steel†by his fellow inmates. On his third day of incarceration, 242 was attacked by the guards quite badly. Steel managed to have some med supplies brought to 242's cell, they had been friends ever since. After half an hour of cooking, 242 said “I think that's done, and if it isn't, more's the pity.†Steel nodded and said “guard, we seek your approval.†The guard followed and began sniffing the soup. 242 noticed the guard's blaster pistol and looked at Steel, who shook his head slightly. The guard said “very good. I'm sure the warden will be pleased.†242 asked “are we done here?†The guard replied “from what I can tell, yes. There's twenty minutes until the recreation hour, so you will be returned to your cells.†He knocked on the door and said “duties completed.†The door opened and the two prisoners were quickly cuffed. One of the guard's sniffed eagerly and said “not bad, you're skills are improving gents.†The two were escorted our of the kitchen and walked down a hall, after a minute, 242 entered his cell and put his hands through the opening. His cuffs were removed and he watched as the two guards and Steel walked away. Looking around the room, 242 sighed and rubbed his hands gently. The avian jailer was not present, which meant that some other lucky prisoner was likely receiving a typical morning wake-up. 242 removed his kitchen uniform and flopped down on the bed. Determined to get some rest before the recreation hour, he rolled to his side to get comfortable. But this proved impossible as something was inside his pillow. 242 reached inside it and pulled out a sheaf of paper. It said “south area, Recreation yard, 10:00.†242 hid the paper in his shoe and said “what is going on here?†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xortberg Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Alright, before I begin let me get two thing straight: First, whether I like you or not, I always try to offer unbiased criticism when I review. Second, while I will admit that I myself am far from a perfect writer, I can quite confidently say that I am pretty good, so don't just dismiss what I say as 'he probably sucks anyway.' If you want to read some of my work, I have links in the Non-Star Fox Works section to my fictionpress and FF.net accounts, so you can go check my shit if you're skeptical about my ability. Now, let's dive right in! First, and your most glaring mistake, is in capitalization. I'm using a Wii, so pulling specific examples would be too troublesome, but I saw several instances where you unnecessarily capitalized a word and too many to count where you didn't capitalize at all when you should have. This is pretty basic stuff, so just look up a guide on how to do it and fix your errors and that problem should be solved. Second, and although this isn't all that bad compared to others I have seen and it most definitely isn't the most important part of writing, your formatting could still take some work. As my posting style suggests, my preferred style is single-spaced paragraphs with double spacing between them. You could alternately just keep in all single-spaced but indent each paragraph. Like I said, this wasn't a horrible problem, but it definitely helps your writing's readability. On to the next issue I noticed, you really need to work on varying your word choice and your sentence structure. In your opening introduction of what I assume to be the main character, you called him vulpine. Cool. Then you did it again. And again. Like... all the time. Using unique words is cool, but if you overuse them then you take away what was so interesting about them. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that furry fanfics and other such things have led to me hating words such as 'lupine,' 'vulpine,' 'avian,' etc., because of how much people overuse them. The English language is very diverse. Use a thesaurus or something. Just vary your word choice a little. Next, and I'm not sure if this was a major thing or one isolated incident, but I noticed a radical run-on sentence somewhere in there. I don't quite remember what it was, and since I'm on the Wii I can't just copy and paste it, but take a look through and just read your sentences out loud. As long as you hear them out loud, you can usually identify a run-on pretty easily. And the last thing I noticed without going too far into detail was that you tried to cram way too many things into this first prologue without even elaborating on one of them past a quick glance-over. You gave a brief description of the prison itself, so for a moment I though it was going to be a chapter setting the stage for this shit and then you're talking about some resistance and introducing a "Meet me here" note without even indicating beforehand that you were going to change gears. Don't try to rush through what you write. Choose one central theme for your chapter, whether it be a description of the setting or whatever, and stick with it going into detail. Don't just say 'the prison is a bad place where the government puts people it doesn't like and lets people do bad things to them.' Great. Now get some more detail. Go through more typical days. Describe describe describe. Make us feel like we're there with the characters. As it is, it just seems like you're using the setting as a springboard to make your characters do stuff. That's not what you do. It breaks immersion and just makes it look like you're trying to show off how cool your characters are. I'll admit that characters are my favorite part of a literary work, but without a good, believable, immersive setting to put them in they're nothing. All that said, you're not horrible or anything. As I love telling those I criticize, I was about ten times worse than you are when I first started writing, so don't think I'm telling you to stop trying. Just work on it and try to make yourself better. If you do, you will. If you don't, you probably won't. It's as simple as that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Elite Posted April 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2011 Chapter two. I tried to take Xort's advice, but there may still be imperfections The brown vulpine entered the recreation area at 9:50. 242 looked around cautiously and chose a place to sit, he eyed the area carefully. A ball game was being played between the prisoners, several guards watching them intently. Steel entered the yard and sat next to 242, he sighed and said “you look nervous.†242 muttered quietly “I found a message in my pillow, it mentioned something would happen in the south area of the yard at ten.†Steel asked “do you think it's a trap?†242 answered “could be.†The two watched as the ball game continued, after several minutes, 242 said “one minute. Let's hope it wasn’t a meet, or this person will be in a spot.†They watched cautiously as a guard approached the south area. The guard, a gray wolf, dropped to tie his shoe and moved away in seconds. Steel muttered “he left something.†242 looked and saw that a small metal object was lying on the ground. He asked “what do we do?†Steel said “go get it, I'll provide some cover.†The canine stood and approached the ball game. 242 watched as an argument broke out, and the guards moved in to quell it. 242 dashed to the south yard and quickly picked up the object, it was a key. Pocketing it, 242 walked back to his spot and sat down. One of the guards raised his weapon and fired three shots, this act quickly restored order as all the prisoners (242 included) took cover on the ground. The guard shouted “enough! You rats will suffer for this I assure you!†He walked over to steel, raised his weapon and clubbed him in the back. Steel grunted in pain and lay still. The guard shouted “the recreation hours for the next week will be withdrawn, starting immediately. So you have thirty seconds to move to the marshaling point before we open fire!†He didn't need to say it twice as a mad scramble began to reach the designated point. 242 approached the injured Steel and half carried him across the yard. 242 sat in his cell reflecting on the day. After the incident in the recreation yard all the prisoners were restricted to half-rations and the electric heating had been cut off. The dark and cold didn't bother 242 very much, rather it made him feel active. His innermost thoughts regarded the key he was now turning between his hands. It didn’t fit his cell door, he had already tried that. 242 asked quietly “what's the point?†He opened his makeshift wardrobe and hid the key in the secret compartment. 242's wardrobe was second hand, and the previous user hadn't take good care of it. Several holes lined the inner wall, and one of them was the perfect size to hide things. 242 had kept his important possessions in this compartment. It now served to hide his mysterious key. Settling on his bed for a sleep, 242 closed his eyes and drifted into a peaceful sleep. He woke the next morning to a disturbance from outside his cell, standing quickly, 242 noticed two of the guards heaving a metal trolley down the cell row. The guards stopped and one of them, a blue avian said “by order of the Warden, all privileges have been restored, the food ration will be distributed evenly as usual, and all all past offenses will be excused.†A loud cheering echoed throughout the room. The avian raised his hand and said “there will also be a small treat.†He reached into the trolley and withdrew a can. The avian said “every prisoner in this section will be allowed one can of soft drink each.†The cheering continued, and the two guard's began distributing the drinks. As one of the guard's neared 242's cell, another prisoner asked “why is the warden doing this?†The guard replied “it's his birthday. I guess he wanted everyone to be happy.†242 muttered sarcastically “because he's such a nice person.†The avian reached 242's cell and handed a can through the opening. The guard muttered “don't forget to read it.†242 asked “what ?†The guard walked away, and 242 took his can. After several seconds, he realized that the lettering which normally contained the nutritional information, had very different words instead. It read “key fits building 35, Wall damaged due to construction, possible tunneling area to hangar bay perimeter. Use caution. Memorize and use drink to erase this message.†242 re-read the message to get it word perfect and opened the can, the scent almost overpowered him with the desire to just drink all of it. Shelving his desire, he dipped his finger into the can and wiped the words with the liquid. They disappeared and 242 began to consume his beloved soft drink. “so basically, this whole thing was send a message?†asked Steel. The two sat in the meal room, breakfasting and discussing the message on the can. 242 replied “maybe, I think that guard was a plant, I’ve never seen him before.†Steel asked “but who's doing the planting? The warden perhaps?†242 replied “what's the point?†Steel said “just say you got to building 35, and then you somehow break through the wall, and then by a miracle you manage to tunnel to the hangar. You're still stuck.†242 nodded and said “since it leads to the hangar, I assume whoever is pulling the strings wants me to steal a ship.†Steel replied “and then the warden is waiting for you on the other side and has you shot while escaping.†242 replied “he doesn't need me to do all that, he could just march into the cell and shoot me then and there. It's not like anyone knows we're here.†Steel nodded and said “true.†242 took a few spoonfuls of his breakfast and said “we'll need a crew.†Steel asked “for?†242 replied “breaking out, it's too big a challenge for the two of us. We need tools, structure plans, the works.†Steel asked “you're serious about this?†242 replied “where does it say we can't? They're keeping us here illegally, we're never getting out. So I say we take our chance, it's better to risk death for a shot at freedom than it is to stay here for the rest of our lives.†Steel chuckled and said “here you are acting like it's going to work.†242 replied “I need your help though, you work in records, do we have anyone who'd know anything about mining?†Steel said “perhaps it's escaped your attention, but we all get memory wiped before we arrived.†242 shook his head and said “not the black ops prisoners.†After a few seconds, Steel said “there is Mole-rat, he's working on a deep-sea drill, so maybe he knows something about drilling.†242 muttered “we'll also need someone who works near the equipment shed, that way we can get the tools for the job.†Steel asked “anyone else?†242 replied “we'll need someone who knows mechanics, for the ship-stealing part of the operation. I think we should also have one more person, someone to cover our part of the job when we're on our jobs.†Steel nodded and said “that's six then, I'll see what I can find.†The two finished their breakfast and took their trays to the canteen, thoughts on the dangerous road they were about to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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