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Star Fox's Stupid Mission


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This is a satirical fanfic in which Star Fox goes on a ridiculous, I mean, amazing adventure to show the universe their true gaming potential.

Chapter 1

It was a quiet night out in orbit of Katina. The Great Fox had just been refueled, which was miraculous considering the Star Fox team spent $79 filling their tank. At least they got a free newspaper, not that anybody used them anymore in the 25th century.

Since their previous mission, defending the Lylat System from the Borg, I mean, Aparoids, Star Fox was now waiting for there next mission. For the most part they killed time doing their favorite hobbies.

Fox was checking his FaceBook page for new messages from other users. Most of them were letters from fans, birthdays cards, death threats from Wolf, and pictures of his friend Katt Monroe making cheeseburgers to poorly written captions, although nobody knew why she kept doing those.

Falco was in the Great Fox's hanger bay, testing out his new cross bow with flaming arrows, and firing them at fuel canisters. Considering how high fuel prices were at the present, and that his best friend had fresh duct tape, Falco made sure Fox didn't know about this.

Krystal was on the phone, threatening Dylan Cuthbert's life. She was out to get Cuthbert after he wrote a storyline for a future Star Fox game, in which her potential as a character was broken almost beyond repair, and she spent the next few years treated as a mere sex symbol.

Slippy was struggling with his helium addiction, and building bigger and deadlier weaponry so that everybody else would take him seriously for a change. Day and night he worked on his new weapons, some unusual, some menacing, and some downright so ridiculous they'd make Falco pee himself.

"Incoming transmission!!", shouted ROB 64, the Great Fox's robot pilot.

"Who's it from?", Fox asked.

"General Peppy.", ROB replied. "He has an important job offer for you.".

"Wait, General who?", Fox asked. "What happened to General Pepper? I thought he survived being maimed by Aparoids.".

"Yes he did.", ROB said. "Then he fell down the stares and had to retire. Kind of ironic, I know.".

"Just put the transmission through.", Fox said exasperatingly.

ROB did so, and Fox called everyone else to the briefing room.

"Big guns, big guns, big guns, big guns!!", Slippy said.

"If it's Cuthbert's funeral they're announcing I'm ready.", Krystal said, wearing boots labeled "To kick developers' graves with".

"I wasn't blowing up any fuel cans!", Falco said. "Oh, right, I just screwed it up. My bad.".

To everyone's surprise, a familiar face came on the viewing screen, but it wasn't General Pepper. It was their old wingmate Peppy Hare wearing a Cornerian General's uniform.

"Holy shit!!", Slippy shouted, and randomly fired at the screen. "The commies are after us!! Give'em hell!!".

"Stop shooting at me you idiot!", Peppy said, and Slippy did so. "Star Fox team, this is General Peppy, George S. Pepper's replacement. I have a special job offering for you that promises to pay handsomely.".

"Sniping Cuthbert?", Krystal asked.

"No, not quite, even though he's a threat to intergalactic security.", Peppy continued. "I need you to head to one of the darkest corners of the Lylat System. There you will face one of the deadliest missions you have ever encountered, so damn painful that you'll need the emergency room pronto, no matter the injruy!!".

"What do we have to do sir?", Fox asked.

"I need you to capture and imprison the infamous tyrant...", Peppy paused for effect. "...King Melgisbon!!".

"King Melkort?", Fox asked. "That's not the most intimidating name I've heard.".

"Yeah.", Falco added. "What's so scary about this guy? He's probably got nothing on Andross.".

"Here is his picture.", Peppy said, and showed them Melgisbon's picture.

"Eww!!", Slippy shouted. "He looks like that jerk I met on Twitter!! The one who chastised Rick Dunstable after dying in a car crash!!".

"He looks like Pigma after having his head shoved down the toilet and kicked in the crotch!", Falco said.

"All he needs now is a t-shirt reading 'My Dinner with Andre was excellent!!' and he'd be complete!", Fox said, trying not to vomit.

"Hurry Star Fox!", Peppy urged. "Melgisbon must be brought down from his 60 years of tyranny, and forceful opinions!! Those who disagree with him are enslaved in his dungeon, forced to watch Casablanca Fully Restored until it melts off their faces!!".

"It's that bad?", Falco asked.

"Personally I thought they'd just fall asleep.", Krystal replied.

"You must stop him Star Fox team!", Peppy said finishing. "Only then will Nintendo finally realize your full potential, and Krystal will no longer be treated like an emo stripper!".

"I like that part a lot.", she said with a smile.

"You heard the General, let's do this!!", Fox said.

Quickly Star Fox headed down to their Arwings, while ROB navigated the Great Fox to King Melgisbon's home planet, Draygmetuhelloss. Yes, I know it's a hard to pronounce name, but so are a lot of places.

To Be Continued

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Chapter 2

Off Star Fox was to Draygmetuhelloss, home of the evil, and downright ugly, King Melgisbon, however you pronounce it. As the Great Fox was on a direct course for the planet's atmosphere, each member of Star Fox was preparing for battle.

Fox was arming himself with a bazooka that doubled as a large blade weapon, thus he could fight from a distance, and in close combat.

Falco wasn't blowing up fuel canisters with fire arrows, at least not this time, and got himself a sniper rifle and machete, probably overcompensating.

Slippy grabbed his minigun, syringes for poisoning people, a giant battle axe, a grenade launcher, pretty much anything he could bring.

Krystal traveled light for this mission, a pistol on each hip, and a crossbow on her back.

ROB was standing by at the Great Fox's bridge, watching reruns of the 1980s, and had loaded bombs into a compartment in the ship's underside.

"Okay, are we ready to go?", Fox asked.

"Ready to kick ass.", Krystal added.

"Let's go for it.", Falco replied.

Slippy said nothing, he just laughed creepily to himself.

"Okay guys.", Fox said. "Henshin a Go Go, I mean, Turtle Power, I mean, Transform and, screw it! You know what I mean!".

Quickly they ran down to their Arwings, god knows how Slippy could fit everything into his. Once they were all aboard there ships, ROB released the lift lock, and sling shot them out of the hanger bay. Once the Arwings were in space they barrel rolled to open their wings and G-Diffusers. I don't know if it was really necessary but it looked pretty damn cool.

"So where's the enemy?", Krystal asked. "I thought by now Melgisbon's forces would have detected us.".

"Could be worse.", Falco added. "He could've contacted us and rigged our comm systems to only show Me and You and Everyone We Know.".

"Good idea.", said a nasally voice from the comm channel. "I think I'll do that now Star Fox. Hope you enjoy the show, because I gave it 50 JUSTIFIED thumbs up!".

Suddenly each pilot found their comm link screen showing Me and You and Everyone We Know, on every channel, and fully uncensored.

"My eyes!!", screamed Krystal as her pupils dilated and watered uncontrollably.

"I don't feel so good!!", Falco shouted, vomiting through his eyes, then his ears.

"The horror!!", Slippy yelled, his skin starting to shed excessively.

"Who could make this monstrosity?!!", Fox asked while his hair fell off.

"Don't worry!", ROB said. "I've counter-hacked your comm links to get T.U.F.F. Puppy instead!".

With that, the unspeakably horrible and boring movie was gone, and Star Fox's ailments healed as they watched good quality television, that Melgisbon was too snobby to truly appreciate.

"That feels so much better.", Fox said. "Who are you? Why did you try to kill us with that cinematic junk?".

"Tis I!!", King Melgisbon said appearing on their screens. "I am the Great King Dinurwithondray Melgisbon!! Those who don't share my views on Cassablanca will be thrown into the hole until they die!!".

"So it was you!", Fox said. "I should've known by now that such a disgusting man like yourself did this. We're gonna stop your reign of terror for good Melgisbon!".

"No you won't.", Melgisbon replied. "Your ships can't defeat me because I give them 5,000 thumbs down. You'll be perfect for my pick for the Golden Raspberries!".

"You have any proof that our ships can't stop you?", asked Falco.

"Meet my ships!!", Melgisbon said. "Look at how pixelated and unboring they are!! Much better than what you see with 3D glasses, which are terrible simply because they're modern!!".

"Eww!!", Krystal said. "I can smell them from right up here, and they smell like steam locomotives.".

"Let's blast them anyway!!", Slippy shouted, so they did.

Unfortunately, their shots had no effect on the enemy ships. Something unseen was deflecting the lasers away.

"What is it?", Fox asked Krystal. "Some kind of force field?".

"Worse.", Krystal replied. "It's classical opera music!! Plug your ears!!".

"How will that stop them?", Fox asked.

"Just do it!", Krystal shouted, so they all put in ear plugs.

Unable to hear the opera music shielding the enemy ships, Star Fox was able to fly right in and destroy them. However, the enemy ships returned fire, with poorly drawn 8-bit laser beams.

"When you see Ben Croshaw, tell him I sent you!!", Slippy said as he destroyed most of the enemy ships.

"Nice going Slippy!", Fox said, and finished off the rest of the enemy ships.

"It's not over yet.", Krystal added. "I see more of them coming up ahead! They look like Humphrey Bogart on pot!".

"Keep shooting!!", Falco said, destroying 3 of the new ships.

"Bam!!", Krystal said as she took out 5 of them. "I just pretend their Cuthbert and I can't miss. Too bad they're not the real thing.".

"You think you can beat me that easily?", Melgisbon said. "Think again modern movie lovers!! My Poloroid Beam will take care of you!!".

Out at them from Draygmetuhelloss came a gigantic laser beam, completely devoid of color and clear audio. It engulfed the Star Fox team, and quickly began pulling them down to the planet's surface.

"Beaten by some old guy who doesn't know what he's talking about?", Fox asked. "How humiliating! It's almost like watching a full episode of South Park after a full episode of Family Guy!".

"The only difference is this being only half as painful.", Falco added.

As soon as they entered the planet's atmosphere, Star Fox saw how disgusting Melgisbon's rule had made it all around. It's sky was full of dark gray smog, all the grass and plant-life was rotted, and everyone was forced to speak with title cards instead of speaking aloud. How would Star Fox get out of this one? And does anybody really take Melgisob seriously? Who knows? There's just no pleasing this bastard most of the time.

To Be Continued

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Chapter 3

Now that they had been taken to Draygmetuhelloss, the Star Fox team found themselves brought through the front gates of King Melgisbon's palace. The palace looked like an enormous trash can with posters of such movies as "Monster", "Citizen Kane", and "Floating Weeds". Ironically they were all posted under a giant label that read "Fantastic Films Forever-Never question such a decision.". Melgisbon's guards took away their weapons and sent them down an elevator to be locked up somewhere, deep in the palace's basement.

"I'm not surprised.", Fox said.

"That this guy lives in a giant garbage container?", Krystal asked.

"Exactly.", Fox said.

"Am I the only one who notices the guards look like Luca Lionello?", Falco asked.

"They smell like rotten tomatoes.", Slippy added.

"Silence free thinkers!!", said one guard's title card, and he kicked Slippy into the ground, which felt like rotting makeup.

After Slippy was picked up off the ground, he and the rest of Star Fox were brought before the evil Melgisbon. The king approached his prisoners, ushered his guards away with what looked like a middle fingered salute, then put on a pair of extra large glasses before speaking to his hostages.

"Your dogfighting skills suck.", he began. "I'd give them the thumbs down, but my thumbs are sore from pointing down at nearly everything in existence. Modern star fighter pilots like you sicken me, simply because you're much younger than pilots who came before you years ago.".

"What are you going to do with us?", Fox asked.

"The same thing that I do to all my enemies.", Melgisbon replied. "You will be thrown into the bowels of my dungeon, where you will be forced to watch Casablanca fully restored, and maybe movies that I've never seen but I know they suck anyway.".

"Just try it you piece of shit!", Slippy said.

"Okay then.", Melgisbon said, and with the pull of a lever he triggered a trap door beneath his captives, dropping them down into the dungeon below.

Down Star Fox fell, 300 feet underground, landing in a smoldering pile of rotting flesh and bones.

"This is horrible..", Falco said.

"These must have been somebody else's remains.", Krystal said. "Let me just check the name tags. I saw Melgisbon's other prisoners outside being marched around wearing them.".

Krystal searched around through the smoldering bits of flesh and bone until she found name tags, most likely belonging to previous prisoners of Melgisbon's tyranny. She dropped them in horror after reading who's they were.

"So who did they belong to?", Falco asked.

"Rob Schneider and Michael Bay!!", Krystal said. "Now I can't wait to do to this guy what Archie Comics did to Sonic the Hedgehog!!".

"Butcher him with filler characters who are past their prime?", Falco asked. "Oh! You meant kill him! Now I get it.".

"There's one problem though.", Fox added. "How are we gonna get out of here? The walls are too steep to climb, and these dead people are too hard to walk in. Maybe if one of the guards comes in we can somehow take his keys.".

"Who the hell even uses keys anymore?", Slippy asked. "This is the 25th century, where nobody takes you seriously because you struggle with a helium addiction, have trouble shooting down enemy ships, think you're a drag queen or gay preteen, and the only way to make them stop is bring as many big ass guns with which to blow everything to pieces!!".

"Just saying.", Fox replied.

Coincidentally, one of Melgisbon's guards came in, and began setting up a television screen to play Casablanca Restored on. Just like Fox was hoping, the guard had a set of keys in his back pocket. Seeing the opportunity, Fox tried to attack the guard from behind and grab the keys, but ended up getting electrocuted in the process.

"I figured you would try that.", said the guard's title card. "In case you did, King Melgisbon had all of us wear electrified armor to counter attack physical blows.".

"What about non-physical?", Krystal asked, and managed to swipe the guard's gun from it's holster.

"You wouldn't kill a defenseless man would you?", said the guard's next title card.

"You're not defenseless.", Krystal replied. "You still have electrified armor to deflect melee attacks.".

"Good point.", Fox added, then Krystal shot the guard dead.

"If only it was Cuthbert.", she said.

"Now to get out of this cell and bring Melgisbon down.", Fox said, taking the dead guard's keys.

"He's got something I need as well.", Slippy said creepily, and stripped the guard of his armor.

"You're wearing the dead guy's suit?", Falco asked squeamishly.

"It's so people will stop kicking me in the balls to see if my voice will deepen.", Slippy replied, and put the suit on himself.

Fox unlocked the door to the cell, and Krystal went out first, shooting down any guards that tried to stop them. A few guards tried to get Slippy from behind, but ended up being electrocuted.

"That felt good.", Slippy said. "No wonder the king got his guards to wear this stuff.".

"These will do.", Fox said, grabbing one dead guard's gun for himself, and another for Falco.

Fox led his team forward, fighting off any attackers they encountered along the way. Among their attackers were more of Melgisbon's guard, floating spherical horned creatures with single red eyes, pig soldiers wearing jackets that read LAPD, and peculiar men in rubber suits with flamethrowers.

"Are all those cameos really necessary?", Fox asked, after killing many of said enemies.

"I didn't mind.", Slippy replied.

After fighting their way through the corridors of the dungeon, Star Fox had found themselves an elevator. Taking it upwards to see what was above, they were surprised, yet overjoyed, to see their confiscated weapons.

"Hang on, I've got this one.", Falco said, and grabbed a flashlight possibly left behind by one of the guards.

"What are you doing?", Fox asked.

"Well this isn't a fire arrow, I mean, match, but it'll do.", Falco replied, breaking the torch, and using it's sparks to blow the container open.

This allowed Star Fox to reclaim their weapons, and things were starting to get back in business.

To Be Continued

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Chapter 4

Star Fox cautiously made their way through the rest of Melgisbon's dungeon. Every corner of the area was littered with feces, used tissues, and DVDs of South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut. Some of said DVDs appeared to have been vomited on by Melgisbon's prisoners as a method of protest. There was even a sign on the wall that said "Vomiting on my favorite movies will result in beheading. Sincerely, King Melgisbon".

"That fiend!", Fox said. "We need to find him as soon as possible and blow him to pieces, freeing this innocent planet from his thumbs up, thumbs down, whatever that means.".

"It's Melgisbon's way of grading what he likes and dislikes I guess.", Falco replied.

While Star Fox moved forward, they found a staircase, most likely leading to the floor above the dungeon. Krystal tried to climb the stairs first, but she slipped and fell back into Fox, landing on his crotch.

"So help me..", she said angrily.

"Sorry if I was in the way.", Fox said.

"Not you, Cuthbert.", Krystal replied. "If he gets himself a video of me landing on Fox's crotch to put on YouTube, I'm gonna hack his account.".

"Big deal.", Slippy said. "Everybody hacks each other on the internet these days. What's the difference with your's?".

"I meant a different kind of hacking Slippy.", she said, playing with her machete.

"Now you're starting to even scare me.", Slippy replied.

"Wait, what's that?!", Fox said, urging his comrades to step back behind him. "I heard something coming down the stairs.".

"If it's one of Melgisbon's guards again, bang!!", Slippy said.

"We'll wait and see.", Falco said.

They readied their weapons to shoot to kill whatever was coming down stairs, but to their surprise it was something quite pleasant instead. It was a young male raccoon glowing in rainbows.

"Don't shoot!", he said. "I'm on your side...I think. You're not working for King Melgisbon, are you?".

"We're actually the ones here to kill him.", Fox said. "Are you one of his former prisoners?".

"My name's Ferdinand E. Vengea.", the raccoon replied. "People usually call me Fur E. Vengeance as a spelling gag. I was originally a homeless young man in Corneria City, but one day, it happened.".

"What happened?", Krystal asked.

"I was enslaved.", Fur continued. "That fat bastard captured me and my family, brought them to this shithole, and forced us to work in his poloroid mines.".

"You mean Melgisbon, right?", Krystal asked.

"Who else could it be?", Fur replied. "He's fatter than any other fat bastard on Draygmetuhellus, if there are any other fat people here at all. Melgisbon keeps stuffing popcorn down his throat, leaving nothing but crumbs to his starving subjects. It's so good to run into the likes of you! Finally I can talk out-loud again instead of with cue cards! Who are you again?".

"We're the Star Fox team.", Fox answered. "We'd be glad to have you along for the ride if you wanted. The more help we have in taking down Melgisbon the better.".

"You can count on me Star Fox.", replied Fur happily. "I know almost this entire planet if such information is necessary. Together we can bring down the Draygmetuhellus monarchy!".

"How do you spell that name again?", Fox asked.

"I don't know.", Fur replied. "It sounds more like a play on words than a word by itself.".

"Star Fox and company, move out!", Fox said.

"What about the stairs?", Falco asked. "They're too slippery for us to walk up.".

"I was the only one who tried getting up there you know.", Krystal added.

"Krystal, this is a parody.", Fox said. "In parodies logic doesn't apply for the most part. I'm even breaking the fourth wall right now.".

"I know how to get up the slipper stairs.", Fur said. "Barefoot.".

"Barefoot?", Falco asked. "But the floor's covered in poo! Literally!".

"Beggers can't be choosers.", Fox said, taking off his boots.

Fox carried his boots with him as he walked up the slippery stairs. He was surprised to see that his bare feet had a much better grip on the surface than his boots did.

"What do you know?", Fox said. "Fur's right! Everybody take off your footwear for the time being!".

So they did, and in no time at all, everybody was up the stairs, out of the dungeon and into the floor above.

"Where are we now?", Falco asked.

Their new surroundings were decorated with paintings of Burt Lahr and John Wayne spooning each other on a park bench, with Shirley Temple dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl.

"Eww!", Krystal said. "This must be some kind of fetish floor for the king! Let's get out of here as soon as we can!".

"You're right, unfortunately.", Fur said. "That picture was painted back when Shirley was still a little girl. I think he might be a pedophile.".

"I knew this was going to get worse.", Falco said.

"Burn!!", Slippy shouted, maniacally burning the portraits in a bought of insanity. "Burn!! Burn the evil!! The evil must burn!!".

"Slippy!!", Fox shouted. "For god's sakes, they're just pictures!! You probably just alerted more guards that way!!".

Sure enough, Fox was right, as more guards were running down the hallway towards them. Another bloody firefight would soon ensue.

"You dare burn the king's favorite painting?", asked a guard's title card. "That is totally unacceptable. He will more than give you the thumbs down for this.".

"Just bring it.", Fox said, he and his friends readying for battle.

Star Fox was ready to engage the enemy in yet another vicious shootout. Who would be the victor? Would Slippy stop setting things on fire? Is Krystal really serious about her revenge on Cuthbert? Only time, and whenever the author thinks of a new idea, will tell.

To Be Continued

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Chapter 5

Now that they had come face to face with more of Melgisbon's guards, Star Fox was engaged in a new shoot out. Fox killed half of them with his bazooka, then Slippy mowed down the rest with his minigun. The enemy returned fire with grenade launchers, Star Fox narrowly avoiding the exploding rounds. Krystal used her crossbow to take out another incoming wave of enemy guards, one by one, each hitting the ground with a slight splash of blood.

"Hope you liked cherry pie.", Krystal said.

"It's not over guys.", Falco added. "I see security turrets mounted up ahead. Judging by those barrels they date back to World War II.".

"I thought that happened in a separate galaxy from us.", Fox said.

"Just wanted to say something.", Falco replied, and took out the security gun with his sniper rifle.

"There are gonna be more of those occasionally.", Fur said. "Glad you brought that rifle.".

Star Fox continued down their current path, trying not to vomit at Melgisbon's fetish portraits. Slippy wasn't as lucky, and quickly vomited, but at least on the remains of the enemy guards.

"Gee, that's very offensive.", Falco said sarcastically. "You really do have bad taste.".

"Shut up before I blow chunks down your throat!", Slippy said, almost firing on Falco.

"Quit acting like a couple of 12 year olds on a web forum!!", Krystal shouted. "I've got an assassination, I mean, appointment with Cuthbert, so let's capture Melgisbon so I can do just that.".

"I thought you were here to kill him.", Fur said.

"We're just getting really tired of dealing with the fat bastard.", Fox replied.

The argument finished, Fox and company came to a strange hallway ahead of them. It was rigged with some strange type of floor paneling. Fox tried moving forward, but Fur stopped him. Without saying anything, Fur threw one of the enemy guard's guns onto the floor ahead. When it touched the floor, the gun was immediately burned to a crisp, blowing away in an artificial wind from the wall.

"How are we gonna get across this without becoming part of a famous song?", Fox asked.

"We'll need to get across by clinging to the walls somehow.", Krystal replied.

"I think I have just the thing.", Slippy said, and took out his poison syringes. "These were originally meant to be ammunition, but they're strong enough to even puncture stone. Everybody grab a couple of these and start climbing across.".

So they did, and sure enough, it worked. Seemed like Slippy wasn't a disgruntled, borderline psychotic frog with a huge ass arsenal on his back. Not that that's a bad thing in this case, mind you.

"I know what you're thinking.", Slippy added. "I see the narration. Don't make me come in there!".

Break that fourth wall again and I'll break your neck froggy!! Ahem, anyway, after Star Fox and Fur made it safely across the incinerating floor, they came to a door encrypted with a password. Don't ask me what the password is, I'm not a computer hacker.

"I wonder what we should say to break through this door.", Fox said. "I bet the code word is something to do with Melgisbon, or his massive ego which might be overcompensating for something.".

"Isn't that what Falco does a lot?", Krystal asked.

"Uh.....No.", Falco replied. "I'm not overcompensating........for anything...at all.".

Taking a wild guess, Fox punched in what he thought would be the most likely password. Just like they hoped, the door opened, and they could now move on.

"What did you put in for the password Fox?", Falco asked.

"I put in 'ALHSESO'.", Fox replied. "Must be an anagram of something. Pretty sure it's supposed to spell out...Nevermind.".

Meanwhile, King Melgisbon was watching from his throne room. Fearing that they would get back up to his location, Melgisbon pulled a lever to his right.

"The results of this will get a thumbs up and an Oscar for sure.", Melgisbon said. "The obvious resemblance my creature shares to a stage hand in a rubber suit is striking, and the fight choreography will be poorly arranged, but at least it will deliver a deep and meaningful message about the dangers of free thought.".

Back down where Fox and company were, a large metal gate ahead of them started to slowly rise to the ceiling. Behind it was a hideously cheap looking dinosaur-like creature, a fire extinguisher tied to it's jaw to imitate a breath of fire, and a record player mounted on it's back playing cheesy orchestral background music.

"Oh my god...", Slippy said. "It's an early Power Rangers monster!!".

"No it isn't.", Fox added. "It only looks like something out of Power Rangers, but due to international copyright law, it isn't.".

"Screw copyright!!", Krystal said. "Let's just kill this thing and get a move on!!".

The monster delivered a painful blast from it's fire extinguisher onto Fox and the gang. Fur still had enough strength in him to grab one of Slippy's syringes and throw it into the monster's face.

"Eat this you rubber suited jackass!", he said.

The syringe landed piercing the monster's eyes, causing it to bleed uncontrollably.

"What smells like tomato juice?", Fox asked.

Melgisbon's monster weakened even further when the poison from the syringe made it's way into the rest of it's body, causing it to explode in a rather unconvincing fashion, sending a cloud of red confetti pink balloons all over Star Fox.

"Please tell me this is just more crappy special effects.", Krystal said.

"Don't worry.", Slippy replied, removing the entrails from his face. "It's just rubber water balloons and shreds of red paper. I've seen this kind of stuff on TV before. A movie review show to be exact.".

"What one was that?", Fur asked.

"I don't remember the name.", Slippy replied. "All I remember is that it was hosted by a pair of windbags, who graded things, the same way Melgisbon does with everybody else but him.".

"They sound like a bad comedy duo.", Falco replied.

"You killed my man in a rubber suit?!", Melgisbon said over the intercom. "This isn't over Star Fox! You will never capture me! I'll give you the thumbs down a million times in a row if I have to! You'll all be turned into golden raspberries when I'm through with you!".

"Blow it out your mouth, I mean, your ass!", Fox replied. "You know what I mean.".

Will King Melgisbon get his wish, of Star Fox becoming golden raspberries? What further traps lay in weight for Fox and company as they move forward in the palace? Is Slippy finally over his helium addiction? Only time, and if my internet connection still works, will tell.

To Be Continued

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Chapter 6

Fox and friends had found the stairs leading to the floor above them. By taking this next flight of stairs, Star Fox would be one step closer to finding King Melgisbon and killing, I mean, capturing him. Suspecting that there was a booby trap on the stairs like the first staircase, Slippy looked around the first step. He kicked it gently, nothing happened. Slippy kicked it again a little harder, but nothing happened still. Finally he kicked it as hard as he could, but met with a deadly surprise.

"Holy shit!!", Krystal said, quickly pulling Slippy back as a massive set of spikes slammed down into the stairs from above.

"I think it's pressure activated too.", Slippy said.

"There doesn't seem to be any way of getting up there without getting impaled.", Fox added. "Oh god, look! Who's, I mean, who was that?!".

Everyone was shocked to see a mess of impaled skeletons on the spike trap above as it retracted. Small pieces of plastic fell from the skeletons and to Fox. He picked them up to read small writing he found on them.

"These are name tags.", Fox said. "Name tags for some of Melgisbon's previous prisoners. They say 'Prisoner D-017: Rob Schneider', and 'Prisoner D-092: Shia LaBeouf'".

"Does it say what they were prisoners for?", Falco asked.

"Yes.", Fox replied. "It says 'Imprisoned for starring in movies that suck, because King Melgisbon says so.' for Rob Schneider.".

"What about on Shia LaBeouf?", Krystal asked.

"Same thing.", Fox replied. "Fur, how did they end up here? Were there others like them?".

"They were allies of mine.", Fur said sadly. "When I was captured I formed an underground resistance force to overthrow Melgisbon's rule. Under my command were many of Melgisbon's notable victims; Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Johnny Depp, Robert Englund, Jason Statham, etc., etc.".

"What did he lock them up for?", Krystal asked.

"For starring in movies that Melgisbon said sucked.", Fur replied. "I'm probably the last one still alive.".

"You got down to the bottom floor to help us though.", Fox added. "There must have been some way you got through all the traps in this palace.".

"We need something to hold up the spikes while we crawl through.", Fur replied.

"I've got just the thing.", Fox said, and used his bazooka as a support beam when the spikes came back down. "NOW!!".

Not wasting any more time, Fox led the way as the gang quickly crawled all the way up stairs. They were just in time, as the support gave way right after Falco crawled out at the top.

"That was too damn close.", he said while getting up.

"I've lost my bazooka, so I'll need a new long range weapon.", Fox said.

"Get your own!!", Slippy said. "I'm always the one who gets mocked by the fanbase for not being as strong a fighter, but they still show Falco as much love as Nelson Mandella, even though Falco's a complete dick!! Whenever you save him in battle he still tells you off, even going on and on about how much better he is than the rest of us!! He's still getting more respect than I have in my whole lifetime?! WHAT THE HELL?!!".

Slippy opened fire with his minigun, blowing open the door to the next floor, and killing several enemy guards on the other side. Everyone else was shocked to see a massive pool of blood, from Slippy, the person they least expected to leave it behind.

"Did I get a little carried away?", he asked.

"Yeah, a little.", Falco replied.

"At least you took care of the boogies up there.", Fox said, grabbing an enemy guard's guns to use himself. "Let's get ready. I can hear more of them coming down to engage us.".

Fox was right, and more enemy guards came to face them. A third of them were ordinary grunts, while most of them were armed with crossbows and flash grenades. Krystal killed at least 7 of them with her pistols, while Falco used his machete to take out 5 of them. Fox shot up 12 of them, one after the other, with one of their own weapons.

"That takes care of this wave.", Fox said. "I wonder what floor of the palace this is supposed to be.".

Their new surroundings were nice at first, but it was too good to be true. What looked like a peaceful beach was populated by gloomy Lylatians, dressed in 1940s garb, and some of them even crawling through tubes drenched in feces.

"That's what smells so much?", Falco asked. "I thought it was Slippy.".

"Didn't you learn your lesson from earlier?", Slippy asked, threatening Falco with syringes of poison.

"Not exactly...", Falco said nervously.

"Good.", Slippy said, backing off.

"We're in Melgisbon's slave camp.", Fur said. "He's captured protesters of his regime and forced them to work themselves to death cleaning his plumbing.".

"There's a lot of poo in this place.", Fox said. "What in god's name does this guy eat?".

"Mostly popcorn soaked in unpasteurized milk and expired butter.", Fur answered.

"Smells more like Stephen King's breath.", Krystal added.

"For a moment I thought you were gonna say it was Cuthbert's breath.", Falco said.

"I'm getting a little bored of dwelling on that shithead.", Krystal replied.

"We'll have to free the slaves while we're here.", Fox said. "By gathering more numbers for our cause, we'll have a better chance of taking Melgisbon down. I wonder what's keeping them here.".

Star Fox and Fur E. Vengeance were getting ready for a plan to increase their firepower. Will they succeed in freeing Melgisbon's slaves? Is Falco safe from Slippy's helium fueled wrath? Is Krystal running out of jokes about Dylan Cuthbert? Only time will tell, if only I hadn't lost my watch the other day.

To Be Continued

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