Thu'um Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 Hello guys i'm have been thinking of writing this fan fic for almost a year now and i just worte chapter 1. because of how busy i am the chapeters will be few and far between. however, please tell what you think, and when you judge keep in mind this is my first work. Chapter 1 : a Planet named Kew Fox sighed, the steaming hot water relaxing his muscles as he took his shower. It had been 2 years since the Apariods had been defeated, and several more since Andross’s defeat. He let the water run down his body were it would then run down into the drain and then off into the bowls of the Great Fox. Fox’s mind shot back to Andross’s layer; his father words: never give up, trust your instincts. They were as clear in his mind as the water on the glassy surface of the stillest pond. They echoed through his mind, and he heard them in his deepest sleeps. After several minutes of Zen like stillness Fox’s mind returned to the present. He turned off the water, and left luxurious tile shower, only to head to his equally luxurious room. It was dark, but purple walls could be made out. It was also the size of a common hotel room with nothing in it but a bed and three doorways that lead to a closet, a bathroom, and the hallway. He dawned a red polo and a pair of jeans. His mind returned to the past, in Andross’s layer, if only for a moment before he entered the hallway. The distance from Fox’s room to the Controls Room was no great one, and fox made it there in less than a minute or two. Fox walked in, it was highly technical room, filled with buttons screens and statuses all about everything that was Great Fox. A central screen had descended to cover the windows that view the infinite vacuum known as space. In the entire room the crew was present. Fox took a seat at the head of the table overlooking the crew. Peppy and Slippy were sitting to the left of fox while Krystal and Falco were at his right. Peppy had called this meeting only an hour before, had it been any other member fox might have postponed it but fox had learned it was wisest to listen to Peppy’s advise . “Alright Peppy, let’s see what you woke us up for” Fox spoke still slightly sore over having been disturbed. Falco gruffed in agreement. Peppy rose, then adjusting his glasses over his nose, his left ear rose to attention while the other slopped at his side presenting himself in a manner hares often do. “We received the message almost an hour and a half ago. The location of its origin is a small planet called Kew.” His arm rose to point behind fox and the rest of the crew. “In fact you can see it right over yonder out that window.” Fox questioned “What do we know about Kew?” Turning to a hologram device that was often used to display moving images and even General Pepper before the saurian event, Peppy replied, “It’s been in a long to term state of anarchy for a while. Many governments have risen and given the people a little organization for a short time but no stable central government has ever been established. For the last two-hundred years a monarchy has held most of the power on the planet. Yet more recent information tells us that this government was on its downfall from several warlords skirmishing with it.” Peppy then switched to the video and before playing it stated, “This is a video sent to us from the plant’s surface.”As the video began to play fox realized it had no sound at first. The video image however was fine. He could see a tough looking mouse, his fur was a dirty blond color, his eyes as dark as voids. Around his body he wore a tunic with traces of light chain mail peeking out from under it. He adjusted the camera and all of a sudden the sound was enabled. He looked straight at the camera giving the appearance that he was speaking directly to fox. “Friends of the Star Fox team, what I send to you is a call for help. However, this not for the help of the strong or the young like I, but rather the weak and the helpless. The planet is going mad. I fear for the people here, but more importantly I fear that I may fail to protect them.” Fox was moved empathetic for the mouse but the next thing he said blew Fox’s mind. “Oh, and I met your father Fox.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Orange Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 Wow, impressive :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myu Posted October 1, 2011 Report Share Posted October 1, 2011 I wasn't really sure what to expect when I started reading, but I really like the title you gave this so I gave it a read. The first thing I noticed it that you set up the mood nicely. I was worried that since it starts of with a "shower scene" it might get... overly detailed, but you didn't linger on anything unnecessary. I also liked how you presented Peppy. The biggest issue is probably format, and several areas where there are comma splices. You also might want to give it a quick once-over, as there are a few spelling mistakes here and there (layer is not the same as lair.) When a character starts speaking, you generally start a new paragraph for his or her dialogue, and you do it again when a different character starts talking so you don't get your reader tripped up with who's saying what. I got confused sometimes when it switched between Peppy and Fox. Lastly, the way you decided to end this is good. It has the potential to be a really strong ending, since we know about Fox's history with his dad - but I don't think you fully utilized that one line's potential. It felt kind of rushed, and the fact that the mouse character just added that detail in as an aside takes away from the gravity of what he's saying. I almost wish that you had lingered a bit more on Fox's thoughts, like maybe he gets distracted (since he seems to be in that kind of state from the beginning) and then the information about his father catches him more unaware. That way you wouldn't have to say that Fox was moved - partly because it doesn't fit because Fox feels really detached in this, and I think it would take more than a speech to reach him at this point - or that the new information was shocking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thu'um Posted October 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 I wasn't really sure what to expect when I started reading, but I really like the title you gave this so I gave it a read. The first thing I noticed it that you set up the mood nicely. I was worried that since it starts of with a "shower scene" it might get... overly detailed, but you didn't linger on anything unnecessary. I also liked how you presented Peppy. The biggest issue is probably format, and several areas where there are comma splices. You also might want to give it a quick once-over, as there are a few spelling mistakes here and there (layer is not the same as lair.) When a character starts speaking, you generally start a new paragraph for his or her dialogue, and you do it again when a different character starts talking so you don't get your reader tripped up with who's saying what. I got confused sometimes when it switched between Peppy and Fox. Lastly, the way you decided to end this is good. It has the potential to be a really strong ending, since we know about Fox's history with his dad - but I don't think you fully utilized that one line's potential. It felt kind of rushed, and the fact that the mouse character just added that detail in as an aside takes away from the gravity of what he's saying. I almost wish that you had lingered a bit more on Fox's thoughts, like maybe he gets distracted (since he seems to be in that kind of state from the beginning) and then the information about his father catches him more unaware. That way you wouldn't have to say that Fox was moved - partly because it doesn't fit because Fox feels really detached in this, and I think it would take more than a speech to reach him at this point - or that the new information was shocking. some asome advice thanks, i'll probobly get an editor to look over my grammatics and i was going to edit a little of this to make it so that it makes more sense. its not a finaly product but more of a beta. however thanks again im really glad you posted you to excuter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavemonkynick Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 I definatly like where this is goin and i expect you to hound me to read every update. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thu'um Posted October 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 I definatly like where this is goin and i expect you to hound me to read every update. lol the next update won't be for awhile/ first things first i'm gonna edit this abit and then start working on chapter 2 but it could take about a month :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavemonkynick Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 lol the next update won't be for awhile/ first things first i'm gonna edit this abit and then start working on chapter 2 but it could take about a month Which is why you must hound me. I have the attention span of a 4 year old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now