Jump to content

The Vader Monologues


Recommended Posts

The premise here is just what the title suggests--Darth Vader talking to himself. His two conflicted halves (Anakin/Vader) discussing this, that, and the other thing. Enjoy! Please Note, these are not in chronological order.


(Vader arrives on Mustafar, hops out of his ship.)

ANAKIN: Well, here we are--Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat.

VADER: *What?*

A: Sorry, it just seemed appropriate somehow.

(Vader tells Artoo to stay with the ship, and heads for the entrance of the facility.)

A: First big administrative job for Palpatine, huh? Nervous?

V: Not at all.

A: Okay, Palps didn't have time to give you more than a crash course in middle-management, so let's make sure you remember everything...

V: I am *not* middle-management.

A: Sure you are. The guys here are managers of a sort...and Palpatine's the big man...and you're right there in the middle. Now, let's review--why are you here?

V: To explain to them that their services will no longer be required.

A: Right. But they're not being fired. They're...?


A: Come on...

V: *sigh* They're being given the opportunity to re-strategize their employment particulars somewhere else.

A: Perfect. You've got the lingo down; before you know it, you'll be complaining about Casual Fridays and trying to bust people for daring to take sick days.

V: I am *not* middle management!

A: Sure, sure...

(Preceded by scurrying mouse droids, Vader enters the commmand center, where the Separatist leaders await him. A Neimoidian speaks up.)

NEIMOIDIAN: Welcome, Lord Vader. We've been expecting you.

(Vader gestures, and the doors slide closed.)

A: Good, good. Set the tone, show them who's in charge....Now just pass out that exit paperwork and--wait, where's the exit paperwork?

V: I think I forgot it on the ship.

A: Well go get it! How are you supposed to sack these guys without--

V: If I leave now, they'll see it as a sign of weakness.

A: So what now?

V: Now...I improvise.

(Vader starts mowing down the Separatists with his lightsaber, one after another.)

A: Hey, wait! Don't--! That guy just--! They only--!

(Vader pauses in the slaughter, surveying the scene with Sithly yellow eyes.)

A: Oh, man...you really put the "sever" in severance package, don't you?

(Finally, only one Neimoidian is left. Vader slays him.)

A: You know, I take it back. You're *way* too efficient for middle management.

V: Damn straight...

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bah, more where that came from - trust me.


(Vader steps into a turbolift. It begins to rise.)

ANAKIN: Where are we going?

VADER: To the detention level, to interrogate the princess.

A: You're not going to hurt her, are you?

V: I am, yes.

A: Why, man? She's a cutie!

V: So what?


A: Qui-Gon wouldn't approve.

V: Qui-Gon was weak.

A: He was awesome! He had that whole long-haired hippie thing going on!

V: He was a fool. Remember how he kept taking his bong out behind the pod-racer when he thought nobody was watching?

A: He said it helped him get in tune with the Force!

V: Riiiiight. If I'd followed in his footsteps, I'd be living on a diet of "herbal" brownies and trying to smoke anything I could set on fire...

A: Well, we're just Mr. Bitter today, aren't we?

V: We're Mr. Bitter every day.

A: Yeah, I've noticed. And look what it's doing to your health!

V: Being thrown into a fiery pit of lava had more to do with that, I think.

A: Is that what happened? I'm still a little fuzzy on that.

V: It is. And stop it.

A: Stop what?

V: You're trying to distract me from interrogating the princess.

A: Is it working?

V: No.

A: Crap.

V: I'm going to question her, I'm going to get the information I seek, I'm going to crush the Rebellion and restore order to the galaxy.

A: Well, it's all about you, isn't it?

V: Actually, yes. George said so.

A: Well...can you at least do it without hurting her?

V: Why? What would you suggest?

A: You could maybe...reason with her?

V: You've got to be kidding. There can't possibly be any reasoning with a woman who sports that hairstyle.

A: Well, you've got me there. But you could try. Remember all that stuff you read in that book, "Men Are From Corellia, Women Are From Dantooine"?

V: That's just a bunch of pap. I'm glad I had the author liquidated.

(The turbolift door opens, and Vader strides out into the detention block. The guards come to attention as he stalks past them down the corridor. He stops in front of Cell 2187, starts to reach for the door controls.)

A: Wait! Wait a second, man!

V: What now? Make it quick.

A: I've got an idea. It'll get you the information faster than your torture.

V: I'm listening...

A: *whisper*, *mutter*, *whisper*--

V: Oh, that *is* good! And they say *I'm* the evil one!

(Vader opens the door, steps inside. Leia faces him defiantly. He looms over her.)

VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base...

(An interrogator droid floats into the chamber. The door hisses closed. Suddenly, a couple of speakers pop out of the interrogator droid and spicy Latin-style music begins to blare.)

VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, let us...MACARENA!


  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you think that's funny, get a load of this:


(After his duel with Luke, Vader watches as his son steps gallantly off the platform and plunges down the air shaft, vanishing from view.)

ANAKIN: Dude, did you see that? Did you *see* that dive?!!! WOW! That would have gotten him an 8.5 at the Galactic Olympics, easy!

VADER: It was courageous, I'll give him that.

A: Does the old man proud, doesn't he?

V: Indeed.

A: Kind of harsh on him, though, weren't you? I mean, you chopped his freakin' hand off. What's THAT all about?

V: He needed to be shown his place. He needs to be disciplined, turned from this foolish course he's chosen.

A: Man, if you want to discipline him, you smack him across the knuckles with a ruler. You give him a "time-out". You don't CHOP HIS FREAKIN' HAND OFF!

V: I have endured far worse. It builds character.

A: You know, I don't think you're going to win the "Parent of the Year" award.

V: Nonsense. I'm an excellent parent.

A: Puh-lease! I mean, you cut off your son's hand, you blow up your daughter's home planet--

V: What?! What daughter? I don't have--

A: Um...forget I said that.

V: Besides, when Luke and I have overthrown the Emperor and restored order to the galaxy, I'll make it up to him.

A: How?

V: I'll...buy him a puppy.

A: Cool! Buy him a wiener dog.

V: Why?

A: Wiener dogs are wizard, man!

(Vader clips his lightsaber back onto his belt and storms away, off the gantry and back into the city proper. In one of the city's bright corridors, some of Vader's troopers fall into step behind him.)

VADER: (to troopers) Bring my shuttle...

(The troopers hurry off.)

V: So...any ideas on how I'm going to explain this to my Master?

A: Man, that's right. Palpatine's going to be pissed! It sucks to be you, huh?

V: You *are* me.

A: That's what I'm saying. It *sucks* to be you.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad you like these. Anyway...


(Just as Vader is about to fire on Luke's X-Wing in the Death Star trench, the Millenium Falcon comes screaming in from out of nowhere, guns blazing. One of Vader's wingmen clips Vader's TIE fighter in the confusion, sending his ship swirling off into space...)

ANAKIN: I think I'm going to hurl. Too much spinning...

VADER: Get a grip. It's not that bad.

A: I'm serious, man! I'm gonna spew!

V: Don't. You. DARE! I'm wearing a sealed helmet, here!

A: Then you'd better do something fast!

(Vader begins to work his controls frantically.)

A: Here it comes!

V: Wait! Wait!

(The ship stabilizes, and Vader steers off on a new vector.)

A: Whew! That was a close one. But I think you're going to need a breath mint. Better head back to the Death Star and get one.

V: You see all those glowing, sparkling fragments all over the place?

A: Yeah...

V: That's the Death Star.

A: Oh, man! All my stuff was there!

V: All *my* stuff, you mean.

A: Technically. So what's the plan?

V: Well, let's see. We're out here in the butt-end of nowhere, there isn't another Imperial ship in sight, and there's an entire base of Rebels not too far away who're probably eager to get their hands on me. I'm thinking it's time to run.

(Vader begins to fiddle with the controls.)

A: What're you doing?

V: Plotting the coordinates for the nearest Imperial base...

(Vader finishes, then pulls back on the hyperdrive lever. The stars outside stretch to infinity, then the TIE fighter is barrelling through the swirling tunnel of hyperspace. Vader leans back in his seat.)

A: How long until we get there?

V: Fourteen hours.

A: Fourteen *hours*?! What are we supposed to do until then?

V: I'm going to meditate.

A: Man, that's *boring*! Do we have any cards? Maybe we can play some solitaire.

V: No, we don't have any cards.


A: Any books?

V: No!


A: Games?

V: NO! We don't have any cards, we don't have any books. No games, no puzzles, no holovids, no nothing. So just be quiet and let me meditate, all right? Can you do that?

A: Sure.

V: I'm serious. Not another word for the rest of this trip.

A: No problem. This is me, shutting up.

V: Good.


A: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall--

V: I'll kill you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This'll be my last post for tonight. Gonna sign off and get some shut-eye. If I'm not back on tomorrow morning, I'll definitely be here in the afternoon. Until then, enjoy:


(The Millenium Falcon, exiting the asteroid field, makes a daring attack run on the Star Destroyer pursuing it, and vanishes from their scopes. The captain decides to take full responsibility,

and sets off for a meeting with Vader, who waits aboard his flagship.)

ANAKIN: Captain Needa's coming over? This is gonna be so awesome!

VADER: Indeed. He is a bit of a scamp.

A: Scamp? The dude's a wild man! Remember that time when he programmed Admiral Ozzel's coffee maker to serve nothing but ronto urine?

V: That was classic.

A: Or the time when he put that whoopee cushion on the Emperor's throne?

V: How could I forget? I think he was the one who toilet-papered the Imperial Palace last week, too.

A: What's he coming over for, anyway?

V: He had the Millenium Falcon in his sights, but allowed them to slip away.

A: Uh-oh. You're not gonna, y'know, do the strangling thing to him, are you? He gets us into all the cool parties...

V: I'm shocked that you would even suggest that.

A: Of course. 'Cause you're just the soul of restraint, aren't you?

V: Well, maybe I'll surprise you.

A: Right...

(Needa arrives on the Executor, and is brought before Vader. He sketches a nervous bow, apologizes for losing the Millenium Falcon--and Vader strangles him.)

VADER: (to corpse) Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

(A pair of guards haul the body away.)

A: So which part was supposed to surprise me?

V: I used my left hand to make that pinching gesture with my fingers--not my right hand.

A: Wow. Coloring outside the lines, huh? Thinking outside of the box?

(Vader walks over and talks with Admiral Piett about the pursuit of the Millenium Falcon. He orders Piett to calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory, then stalks

off. In the corridor, one of the guards who hauled Needa away approaches him.)

GUARD: Sir, we found this on Captain Needa's body.

(The guard hands Vader a small package wrapped in bright paper and ribbon, then leaves.)

A: A present? What's the card say?

V: Let's see..."To Lord Vader: Happy Birthday, From Needa and the Guys".

A: That is so sweet of them.

(Vader opens the package.)

V: Helmet polish?

A: Cool!

V: I *am* running low.

A: Yeah--and you just killed the guy who was nice enough to give you more. Nice going, genius.

V: But I didn't--

A: Don't you just feel like a jerk, now?

V: I--

A: The guy goes out of his way to get you something special and you just up and whack him. I can't believe--

V: Hey, my birthday was last week! He deserved what he got.

A: Uh-huh. Sure. So how are we supposed to get into all the cool parties now, brainiac?

V: We don't need Needa for that. I'm a party machine. Everyone knows it.


V: Why are you laughing?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gonna post this, then go get some coffee.


(Vader's shuttle lands in the docking bay of the new Death Star. He strides down the ramp, and is greeted by the sight of row upon row of troopers standing at attention.)

ANAKIN: Wow, quite a turnout, huh?

VADER: I deserve nothing less.

A: I don't think you've had a crowd this big turn out for you since...since...

V: My eleventh birthday party.

A: That's right! That was so wizard! They held it at the Jedi Temple, and there were all the balloons and cake and--

V: Yeah, it was really wizard--until Yoda's friends showed up.


A: Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that.

V: I wish I could.

A: Who was it that crashed that party? I seem to remember a whole swarm of 'em.

V: I don't wish to discuss this. I have to make preparations for the Emperor's arrival. The Rebellion will soon--

A: I really wish I cared. Oh! There was that one guy, I recall, who kept hugging all the five-year-old padawans--whether they wanted him to or not. What was his name?

V: Grover.

A: Right, right. Weird-lookin' guy. And those two others, Bert and Ernie--they got drunk and started pimp-slapping Mace Windu around...

V: Yaddle never let Mace live that one down...

A: And that Cookie Monster that attacked anyone who tried to get near the dessert table--until they finally had to tranquilize him. And we had to listen to Snuffleupagus yammering on and on and ON about how he was going to go to Tatooine and liberate his "bantha brethren" from the shackles of oppression...

V: Frankly, I don't know why they didn't drum Yoda out of the Jedi Order for that incident. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be menacing...

(Moff Jerjerrod approaches Vader, and they discuss the progress of the station's construction. Vader informs Jerjerrod of the Emperor's impending arrival, threatens new ways to motivate the workers, and Jerjerrod vows that his crew will double their efforts. He and Vader then walk away together.)

JERJERROD: Oh, by the way, your associate arrived the other day.

VADER: (to Jerjerrod) Associate? What associate?

JERJERROD: He...said he was with you, m'lord. I had him wait over here while your shuttle was docking...

(They approach a door, which hisses open to reveal...The Count.)

THE COUNT: Two! Two Death Stars! Ah! Ah! Ah!

A: Uh-oh.

V: Hmmmm....I wonder what a lightsaber will do to a foam body?

A: Oh, man. I can't watch...


  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

gah, first time I read these, I couldn't stop laughing.


(Han Solo, strapped to the torture chair, is lowered down toward a table bristling with pain-givers. Vader leans in to watch.)

ANAKIN: Where do I know this guy from?

VADER: He's one of the rebels helping Skywalker in his attempts to overthrow the Empire.

A: No, no, I've seen him somewhere else....Wait a minute! Now I know! He was in that holovid we saw the other night!

V: What holovid?

A: You know--the one with the guy looking for the artifact, and when they opened it, the villain's face melted off? "Corellia Smith", or something like that.

V: I thought it was "Coruscant Jones".

A: Whatever.

SUZY: He's a hottie!


V: Um...what the hell was that?

A: Hm? Oh, that was Suzy.

V: And who, pray tell, is "Suzy"?

A: She's your feminine side.

V: I don't *have* a feminine side.

SUZY: If you say so, cupcake.

V: Hey, I'm 100% man!

A: 'Fraid not. Remember back at the Jedi Temple, when they decided to start letting boy bands join the Jedi Order?

V: Yeah...

A: And you thought it was just the best idea EVER...?

V: That was temporary insanity! The doctors said so.

A: Nope. That was Suzy.

V: No way.

A: Way.

V: No chance. I got over that craziness, once the medication started working...and then I destroyed the Jedi for letting those punks in.

SUZY: You were just jealous, because they had all those cool coordinated lightsaber moves...

V: I'm not talking to you. You don't exist.

A: She does, man. You know all those ideas you've been having about redecorating your meditation chamber?

V: Yeah...

A: In pink polka-dot drapery?

V: Well, I think it'd add a nice decorative--holy crap! You're saying that's HER influence?

SUZY: *smooch*

V: Oh, man. I need some air. I need to go push somebody around...

A: That's it, dude. Re-assert your manliness!

(Vader leaves the room, and talks with Lando and Boba Fett in the corridor outside. When Lando protests giving Han to the bounty hunter, Vader--stepping into the turbolift--threatens him with the prospect of leaving a garrison in Cloud City. Lando backs off fearfully, and the door hisses closed.)

A: Feel better, now?

V: I do, yeah.

SUZY: Man, I'd love to share a Colt .45 with that hot slab of--

V: La la la--I can't hear you--la la la...

A: *snicker* Give it up, man. You don't know the power of the Suzy...*snort*


V: Wait a minute. Wait just a minute--I know what's going on here. There is no "Suzy", is there? It's just you, trying to mess with my head!

A: Would I do a thing like that?

SUZY: You sure wouldn't!

V: Now cut that out!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol thanks. Get a load of this:


(Aboard the captured Rebel Blockade Runner, an Imperial officer informs Vader that there is no sign of the stolen Death Star plans. He mentions that an escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life-forms were aboard. Vader deduces that the plans must be in the pod, and orders the officer to send a detachment down to retrieve them. Vader then heads back toward his Star Destroyer...)

ANAKIN: Hey, I've got an idea--why don't *we* go down and retrieve the plans? Huh? It'll be nice to visit the old stomping grounds again...

VADER: Forget it.

A: Why not?

V: Because I'd rather not spend the next week cleaning sand out of every nook and crevice. Besides: black armor...scorching hot desert...not a good combination.

A: Wow. When'd you become such a wuss?

V: I don't have time for this.

A: I'm sorry, what was that? I don't speak Wuss-ese.

V: Oh, shut up.

A: Come on, man. Let's just head down. We can round up Kitster and Wald, and go out boozin', and talk about the good old days.

V: Not interested.

A: I canNOT believe you're punking out on me like this. You used to be able to drink a Wookiee under the table!

V: That was before I hand to drink everything through a straw. Kind of hard to chug through this mask.

A: So what? It'll be fun to try!

V: No.

A: Why not?

V: There are just...too many painful memories down there. Slavery...leaving my mother...that whole incident with the electric salad tongs and the dewback stampede...things I'd rather forget.

(Vader reaches the bridge of his Star Destroyer, strides over to the viewport. He stands with his hands behind his back as he eyes the planet.)

A: Dude, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking we should go down there, knock back a couple of shots, and then go find Greedo and beat the crap out of him. Huh? Huh?


V: Well, now. That *would* be interesting...

A: Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Then we can go find Sebulba and kick *him* around, too.

V: Now you're talking!

A: And old what's-his-name...the kid who said you were going to be bug squash if you entered the Boonta Eve Race. We could teach him a thing or too, as well.

V: Yeah. Yeah! And all those other kids--the ones who were always calling me "Ani Fanny". And everyone who ridiculed me for being a slave--I can show them *all* the power of the Dark Side! Hell, yeah!

A: Okay, I think we're getting a little carried away, here...

V: Oh, no, we're not. In fact, I've got a better idea.

(Vader turns to the captain of the ship.)

VADER: (to Captain) Captain, power up all the turbolasers and target Mos Espa.

(The captain begins to give orders.)

A: Um...Anakin to Crazy Person. Come in, Crazy Person. I think we should stop, now...

V: No way. I'll show 'em all.

CAPTAIN: (to Vader) Turbolasers ready, sir.

VADER: (to Captain) Fire at will!

(The laser blasts begin to rain down on the planet.)

A: *sigh* One of these days, I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut...

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

here's another one for ya, ppl:


(The Emperor's shuttle arrives on the Death Star, settling into the docking bay. As the ramp hisses down, row upon row of stormtroopers and officers come to attention. Vader watches silently, as the red-clad royal guardsmen descend.)

ANAKIN: Now *those* are some snazzy outfits. You ever thought of changing your look?


A: But you'd look good in red...

V: I'd look good in anything.

A: True....Except for that one time, with the paisley cape.

V: Ugh. Don't remind me...

(The Emperor appears, making his way down the ramp.)

A: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Coruscant--put your hands together, make him feel at home--the king of cackle--

V: Stop it--

A: --the master of mayhem--

V: STOP it--

A: --EMMMMperor PALLLLLpatine!

(As the Emperor approaches, Vader drops to one knee, bows his head.)

A: You are *such* a suck-up.

V: Be quiet.

EMPEROR: Rise, my friend.

(Vader rises, then he and the Emperor walk off, discussing how Luke will soon come to Vader--and Vader will bring him before the Emperor. Palpatine gloats that everything is proceeding as he has forseen, and he begins to cackle.)

A: Ew. That doesn't sound healthy. Give him a lozenge, or something.

V: I haven't got one.

A: That's you in a few years, you know.

V: What? Supremely powerful, commanding the fear and respect of billions?

A: No--hunched and hobbling and desperately in need of a facial. Will somebody *please* get this man some moisturizer!

V: That's enough of that...

A: Look at him! I've seen Hutts with better skin tone!

V: You should treat him with more respect. His *is* our Master.

A: Hey, he's *your* Master, buddy. Not mine. I don't see anything to respect, there.

V: If nothing else, he helped forge order from the chaos and corruption of the Old Republic...


A: Okay, maybe....But why does he always smell like cheese?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm bored, so I'll just post this:


(Aboard the bridge of the Executor, Vader stands alone, hands clasped behind his back, looking out the viewport as the fleet drifts through space.)

ANAKIN: I spy with my little eye...something that starts with "S".

VADER: Star Destroyer?

ANAKIN: Man, you're good.

V: That's why I make the big money...

(Elsewhere, Captain Piett is discussing some probe droid readings with Admiral Ozzel, while General Veers listens in. Vader overhears them, wanders over, and looks at the screen, which shows the Rebel generator on Hoth.)

VADER: That's it! The Rebels are there.

OZZEL: My lord...there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be smugglers, it could be--

VADER: That is the system. And I am sure Skywalker is with them. Set your course for the Hoth system! General Veers, prepare your men!

(Vader walks away, off the bridge and into a corridor.)

A: (in a whiny, mocking voice) "It could be smugglers, it could be--" Man, what a dork. Why'd you let him get away with back-mouthing you like that?

V: It's too early in the morning to kill anyone. I need my coffee first.

A: I wasn't suggesting you should--

V: Coffee first. Kill later.

A: Haven't you already had ten cups?

V: Exactly. How's a guy supposed to get by on just that?

(He walks on.)

A: I never liked him, you know.

V: Who?

A: Ozzel. It's that mustache. That weaselly little mustache.

V: Well, I tried to get Admiral O'Gill, but he wasn't available.

A: O'Gill would have been great. *He* wouldn't sass you. He'd greet you with a "Top o' the marnin' to ye, Lard Vader!" and do a happy little jig.

V: His jigs are indeed sprightly.

(Vader reaches his meditation chamber, sits inside, and seals it. He pushes a button on his console, and the delicious smell of fresh-brewed coffee fills the chamber, as the fluid pours out into a mug emblazoned with the words "#1 Sith Lord". Just as he picks up the mug and prepares to remove his helmet, General Veers enters the room outside.)

V: Razza-frazzin--

A: Isn't that always the way? *chuckle*

(Grumbling, Vader sets down the mug, opens his meditation chamber and greets Veers. Veers reports that they've come out of hyperspace, and detected an energy barrier on the sixth planet of the Hoth system.)

VADER: Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too close to the system.

VEERS: He felt surprise was wiser--

VADER: He's as clumsy as he is stupid. General, prepare your troops for a surface attack.

(Veers departs, and Vader swivels his chair around, activating the communications screen.)

A: (in a sing-song voice) Oooooooh! Some-body's gon-na get it!

(On the screen, Admiral Ozzel and Captain Piett face him.)

OZZEL: Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed, and we're preparing to--ack! (he grabs his throat)

VADER: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett, make ready to land our troops beyond the energy barrier, and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets off this system. *You* are in command now, *Admiral* Piett.

(On the screen, Admiral Ozzel gasps out his last breath and collapses.)

A: You know, he wasn't my favorite guy, but...

V: But?

A: But I *really* think you need to work on your management style...

V: Oh, shut up and let me drink my coffee...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funny, eh? Check this out:


(As the Millenium Falcon flees Bespin, pursued by TIE Fighters, Vader arrives on the bridge of the Executor. He walks over to the viewports and watches the chase as he communicates telepathically with his son. Just when it seems victory is within his grasp, though, the Millenium Falcon streaks off into hyperspace, leaving Vader staring after it...)


VADER: Indeed.

A: Haven't seen a last-minute escape like that since we had Artoo around. Wonder whatever happened to him? You don't suppose...naaaaahhhh!

V: Hmmm....Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Admiral Piett just say that the Millenium Falcon would be within tractor beam range in just a few moments?

A: Um...yeah.

V: And wasn't the Falcon just SKIMMING OUR HULL a few moments ago?

A: Yeah...

V: What does that tell you?

A: That...we bought some really crappy tractor beam projectors?

V: Maybe. But it tells *me* that we need a new admiral.

A: Hold on, there. Let's not go flying off the handle, now. Piett's still new at the admiral gig...

V: So?

A: So...if you kill him, you'll just have to find another officer to replace him. Then *he* might do something wrong, and you'll kill *him*, and so on, and so on, until everyone's dead and the only one left to run the ship is Pete the janitor.

V: Sanitation engineer.

A: What?

V: Pete's not a janitor; he's a sanitation engineer.

A: Right, right. And you're not a killer; you're a strangulation facilitator.

V: Someone has to pay for this...

A: C'mon, just let it go. If you have to vent, go kick a few mouse droids around, instead....Hey! Better yet--let's head down to the commissary; they're serving triple fudge swirl cake. You can drown your anger in chocolatey goodness.

V: Hmmm. Perhaps...

A: Remember--the ability to kill your subordinates is insignifigant next to the power of fudge.

V: Ohhhhh...very well.

(Vader turns and stalks off the bridge, leaving a fearful--though somewhat relieved--crew behind.)

A: Hey, since we're on the topic, let me explain my theory of how chocolate amplifies the Force...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Sorry for the long wait. Got tied up downloading TOR, damned downloader wouldn't go faster than 25 kb/s. Then it finished, and I forgot I had this toipc. Anyway...


(Near the docking bay holding the Millenium Falcon, Vader waits in a corridor, lightsaber lit.)

ANAKIN: So the padawan says, "A statue of Dooku? I thought he said poo-doo!"


VADER: I don't get it.

A: Well, see--

(Just then, Obi-Wan comes around the corner, sees Vader, and activates his own lightsaber.)

A: Wow, you were right. He was coming this way.

V: Of course. Now I'll just step forward and spout something suitably menacing, yet mocking, and--uh-oh.

A: Uh-oh? What's "uh-oh"?

V: Brain freeze.

A: You're kidding.

V: I never kid.

A: True...

V: Help me out, here. What do I say?

A: Me?

V: Yes, you! I'll be your best friend.

A: You usually kill your best friends...

V: So?

A: Let me get this straight; you've waited decades to face him again, and you can't even remember what you wanted to say to him?

V: *sigh* If you're just going to give me a hard time...

A: No, no. I just need a moment to bask in the irony of it all. I mean, you wanting *my* help...


V: Well?

A: I'm still basking.

V: Come on! I'm starting to look stupid here.

A: Okay, okay. Repeat after me: "I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last."

VADER: (aloud, as he finally walks forward) I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last.

A: "The circle is now complete; when I left you I was but a learner--now I am the master."

V: Hey, that's good.

A: I know.

VADER: (aloud) The circle is now complete; when I left you I was but a learner--now I am the master.

OBI-WAN: Only a master of evil, Darth.

(Their lightsabers clash against each other.)

A: Snappy comeback, there. He was always good at those...

V: Hey, whose side are you on?

A: His.

V: That hurts, man.

(Vader and Kenobi continue their battle, blades sizzling and crackling.)

VADER: (aloud) Your powers are weak, old man.

A: Ha! Look who's talking! You're not exactly a spring chicken yourself...

V: Hey, I'm still a badass!

A: Suuuuuuure you are. What happened to all those kicks and flips and stuff you used to be able to do?

V: Well--

A: If Yoda were here, he could whip the pants off of both of you--and he was nine hundred years old, for crying out loud!

V: Hey, Kenobi isn't exactly jumping around anymore, either.

A: Yeah, I know. Sad, really. I'm just going to step out and grab you guys a couple of rocking chairs, okay?

V: Zip it.

A: Try not to break a hip while I'm out, all right?

V: Will you shut--oh, great! He just said something, and you made me miss it.

A: Ah, it was just something about becoming more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Or maybe it was something about bacon. One or the other.

(Kenobi and Vader continue to fight. Soon, though, Kenobi glances over into the hangar, sees Luke and the others, and raises his lightsaber up. Vader takes his opportunity and slices through Kenobi, whose empty robes and lightsaber drop to the ground.)

A: Wow! He can teleport? How cool is that?

(Vader steps forward, taps the toe of his boot into Kenobi's rumpled robes.)

A: *What* are you doing?

V: Just making sure...

A: What, like he's going to be hiding in there?

(In the hangar, Luke cries out and starts blasting away at the stormtroopers. He shoots the door controls, and the blast door begins to close as Vader approaches it.)

A: Hey, the kid's a pretty good shot. Maybe we should have cloned *him* for the stormtroopers.

V: Perhaps.

A: By the way--why is your lightsaber suddenly flat and silver...?

V: Ummm...the batteries are low? Yeah. Yeah, that's it...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You would be good at Writing a MST. You have a good sense of humor when your poking fun at stuff.


A: Hey, the kid's a pretty good shot. Maybe we should have cloned *him* for the stormtroopers.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

Bah, got bored, so I'm posting this.



(The Millenium Falcon makes its escape from the Death Star. Tarkin and Vader stand together in the control room of the space station, and Tarkin asks if the homing beacon is secure aboard the ship, mentioning that he's taking an awful risk. Vader stands in silence...)

VADER: I did remember to attach the homing beacon, didn't I?

ANAKIN: Afraid I wasn't really paying attention.

V: What?!

A: Hey, I've got more important things to ponder. Like trying to figure out how Ben did that vanishing trick. I mean, an entire person disappeared! Poof! You know how much money you could make if you could figure out how to do that?

V: Money is the least of my concerns. If the princess escapes--

A: I mean, think about it....Instead of roaming the galaxy surrounded by all these uptight military types, you could be roaming the galaxy surrounded by scantily clad assistants!

V: I don't care if--scantily clad, you say?

A: *Very* scantily clad. And isn't there a guy on Tatooine who breeds white Rontos? They'd be perfect for the act...


V: No. No. I must focus. Right now, my reputation's at stake. I mean it's bad enough that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, have been reduced to obeying that scrawny little twit Tarkin's orders; I'm not going to run the risk of making a fool of myself as well, by not carrying out my duties properly. If I forgot to attach that homing beacon, I'll be a laughingstock...

A: You say that like it's a bad thing. Jar Jar was a laughingstock, and people loved him!

V: No they didn't! And I am not going down in history as the Jar Jar Binks of the Sith Lords. That's not going to happen. Now, for the last time--seriously--do you, or do you not, remember if I put the homing beacon onboard the Millenium Falcon?

A: Oh, very well. Yes. You *did* put the homing beacon on the Millenium Falcon.

V: *Thank* you.


A: But you forgot to turn it on.

V: D'oh!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...